[ It's probably Agent Choi, but he's seen the tray of candies on Jaekwan's desk — if he had to guess, they'll find a way to split things evenly, or what they consider to be even between the two of them. This was glaringly true the last time the three of them were gathered here, anyway.
Soleum sips at his grapeade, unruffled. When the drink comes away from his mouth, he's nodding, twisting the cap back onto the bottle, as if agreeing that this is the exact question he came to discuss. It's still his every intention to excuse himself after this, so. ]
Yes, about that… Why is having sex with me so important? [ Sex, kissing him, the three of them being close. It feels good, but, even putting aside his crosswired allegiances — ] If we're worried about each other beyond what's professionally acceptable, it complicates the lives of the civilians we're supposed the prioritize in high-risk situations. Maybe you're different, but I'm…
[ He stares at the middle of table, avoiding looking in anyone's direction. After a moment: ] You two have carried on fine without my involvement. The cohesion of the team clearly doesn't depend on me being intimate with either of you.
[A silence comes over the small apartment after Soleum finishes speaking with both men staring at him. Choi is listening attentively, his head inclined as he explains the situation on his end, even as Soleum avoids either of their gazes. Jaekwan isn't as neutral, compared to how he usually is. First, with the sharp look he gave Agent Choi at the bluntness of his question, and then the confused one he gives Soleum at his eventual explanation.]
[Again the two agents' eyes meet, and something unspoken is said. Choi finally nods and sits back.]
The lives of the agents come first, for starters.
[So, that's kind of off topic, in his opinion. Even if Agent Choi is "that guy who always tries to save one more civilian," he does follow the rules when it comes to ranking who should be saved. Neither he nor Jaekwan are thrilled with the concept behind that, but they dutifully perform it despite that.]
I think the reason we're both pushing you - [Jaekwan interrupts with a flat, "I'm not pushing him."] Ah. Well, the reason I'm still pushing you is because it was obvious that you had a lot of fun. Neither of us have seen you like that about anything else. It feels like you're shutting us out because of something greater than... [He makes a vague sort of gesture, searching for the right word.] Workplace professionality. Does that make sense?
[He motions at Jaekwan suddenly, who blinks in surprise. He's not the focus right now, don't look at him when he can't keep the color of his face under control.] Jaekwan-ie, we never did anything like that before, did we? Well, maybe I touched your butt a few times - But it wasn't until Soleum-ah joined the team. It's kind of like... Kind of like we reached a new level of communication.
[Jaekwan doesn't respond, but from his expression he clearly doesn't disagree. Choi looks back at Soleum.]
But, nothing is going to change if you're being serious, but sometimes you'll say something like, "No, I've had enough," and then I'll give you more kkakdugi and you eat the whole serving. Isn't it better to be full than sated?
[Jaekwan looks particularly exhausted by this comparison but says nothing.]
[ The lives of the agents come first, for starters.
It was the wrong thing to say; he said it, anyway, permitting the correction. Offering his senior a lead-in to snap apart Soleum's reasoning like a cheap plastic toy. Hoping it'd cast doubt that a rookie who can't even remember one of the fundamental rules of being an agent could possibly maintain unclouded judgment while — coupling with them. Jaekwan's perspective was punctuated by each account in which Soleum had contributed to the success of the mission, the number of civilians brought home to safety…
But it's still difficult. To bear the affection underlying their rejection of what Soleum tells them without feeling the distinction between him and the agents even more.
Listening on, cool red eyes perch on Agent Choi's form. He has a lot to say — or rather, get off his chest? Is this part of this new level of communication of theirs? He tries to keep eye contact throughout, but at some point, he slips up, his frames tilting down his nose, watching Jaekwan, the wave of his scarred hands, anything else that isn't the cutting clarity in the senior agent's gaze.
When he's done, Soleum has nothing to say for a period. Merely sits there on the edge of the couch, the curve of his spine soldier-straight, unmoving. The seconds tick by until, quietly, a self-deprecating smile rises to his lips. ]
Is it that I'm not filled, or that you're aware I have a hard time saying no to you?
[ Except he's saying no right now, in no small thanks to Jaekwan sharing this propensity with him.
Soleum sets the grapeade aside on the table. He hasn't taken more than a single sip and likely shouldn't take anything further. ]
I've been serious this entire time, sir. Even if part of it has to do with a personal issue, that doesn't… [ No, go for something softer. ] I don't think it's something that can be solved by either of you.
[Soleum suggests he has a hard time saying no to him, and for the first time, even after getting smacked by a door, snapped at by Jaekwan, fighting hard to keep up a calm demeanor throughout this discussion... he frowns.]
[Choi's eyes fall to the grape ade, staring at it when it's set down on the table. He did give it to him despite his refusal over text, and he did goad him into coming here, into having this discussion against his wishes... And Jaekwan, it's clear he was fine with leaving sleeping dogs lie based on what he said before, but...]
[But, what? The simple fact of the matter is that he's selfish, right? That he wants to have his cake even when every crumb has been devoured. He wants Soleum and Jaekwan beside him, doesn't want to surrender that. The agents' lives come first, and even if he'll gladly risk his own hide to save one more civilian from peril, he'd never do it if it meant either of them getting hurt instead. Isn't he just selfish as hell?]
[But it's the "personal issue" line that gives him pause. If he's selfish, then Soleum... What is he? He's a little cagey, often refuses to reveal his entire hand until the last moment. He has so much going on that they can't even begin to imagine. But he's caring, too. There's a reason he passed the agent exam, that he wasn't knocked out by the Truth Breathing Machine. There's something pure in him. He wants to save people. He wants to do this work. Even if Choi has his suspicions about his allegiances, he's never suspected that he wasn't honest about that.]
[So the personal issue... It's what he said over text, right? The smile comes back, but it's not carefree or pasted on to allow for an air of calm. It's the kind of smile when someone finally admits there's a deeper pain that you knew they were hiding. He's a little relieved, to hear the same excuse repeated. He's not digging up random reasons to deny them. They must be at the bottom of his well.]
I told you, right? This doesn't have to mean anything... but there's still a greater meaning to it.
[Jaekwan's brows furrow, clearly not understanding what Choi means by that... but it's okay. He'll make a diagram for him later.]
Even if we can't solve your problems, we can still help you carry them.
[ The meaning behind the meaning that has no meaning. It's obvious, in a way. So obvious, it divulges a truth that settles as an awkward weight on his heart: He's saying it for his benefit.
If the point is the pleasure of it, the comfort of being allowed to touch your hand to someone else's and have their fingers tighten and pull around you. Someone you care about. Someone who cares about you in return, to a lesser, or greater, or indeterminable extent… That can be meaning enough. Emotionally, it doesn't have to evolve past that, is what the agent is saying. What he and Jaekwan are offering to Soleum. He understands that.
Still, the muscles in his cheeks tense with the compulsion to wince, but in glimpsing Agent Choi's own expression, what he can only read as a sort of openness to, well, whatever Soleum decides, to reject them or not, he compromises by looking fairly scorned. As if he's just been gently reminded his annual workplace conduct training is a day overdue. Which isn't meant to make him feel guilty, but the kindness of it is nearly potent enough to rattle him into surrendering. Soleum rubs at his wrist, pressing against the tattoo seared there, hidden to the naked eye. Just one thing of everything else he can't explain to the people in front of him.
They're not asking me to, Soleum clarifies in his own mind. The thing is, when you welcome others to see a confidential part of you, to file it away in their own understanding of who you are, where does it stop? Where do you? That's the piece he isn't confident in. Himself, and what he'll want, given the chance to want. He's only human, after all.
Neglecting to answer for a time, he softly lets out a breath. His escapes the conversation at hand with a glance toward the kitchen area. ]
…If it isn't any trouble, could I have a glass of water, please? [ He starts to push up off from his knees. ] I can fetch it myself if you tell me which cabinet.
[Instead of giving a response, Soleum deflects. Moves onto another topic, something that places him as a temporary guest in the situation. Someone who won't even rummage around his kitchen to get himself some water. Agent Choi's smile grows wan.]
Of course.
[He motions for him to stay where he is, getting to his feet and moving to the kitchen. He opens a cabinet to find a clean glass and adds some ice from the freezer before filling it with water. Jaekwan sits back and takes a slow drink. He has the terrible feeling that this entire situation is his own fault.]
Soleum-ah.
[Choi is back not a moment later, offering out the glass to Soleum, but he doesn't actually let go of it. He has a question first, one he's never bothered to ask but feels pertinent right now.]
Are you afraid?
[Is that part of it? Is he afraid of them - or rather, of the situation they've put him in? Admitting your fear isn't a sin like it is in that black company, but Choi knows it's still a loaded question. He asks gently, hoping the atmosphere of his home will help alleviate the tension.]
Jaekwan's affection can be overwhelming, right? But you know it's not from a place of wanting to tie you down.
[ It turns out, it doesn't matter that Agent Choi doesn't let go. His fingertips have only tapped the glass for hardly a countable amount of seconds before his hand has whipped back. Perhaps this wasn't the intended effect by posing that question, but it does manage to dispel some of Soleum's restraint. ]
Bronze-nim isn't — [ Soleum shoots a look at Agent Bronze, brow furrowed like he might apologize or ask if he that's how he truly feels. If his rejection has implied anything of the sort. He bites his tongue. ] It's not that. Please don't think it's that. It's… [ His head shakes, Soleum turning his gaze back to the wringing hands in his lap. ]
There's nothing wrong with anyone's… affection.
[ Water held hostage by his superior, his throat cracks dryly around that very last word. But he still says it, still tries to sweep past his own hard-to-understand worries, like carefully trimming out the excess, unnecessary fat of a raw cut of meat. ]
I'm just not suitable to receive any of it.
[ How many reasons has he supplied them in the last 24 hours? What's one more? ]
As a regular subordinate, I'm already attached to this team. I already don't want to imagine the worst that could happen, what mistakes I could make that might come back around to either of you. Adding in the kind of thing you're interested in… It'll make my feelings even more unbearable.
[Already annoyed by Agent Choi using him as a means of deflection, Jaekwan is startled with the way Soleum responds in kind, flustered and anxious. He opens his mouth to say something harsh at Choi to alleviate the tension but Soleum's excuse comes out before he can do more than give him a harsh look. His eyes immediately sweep straight back to him, now shocked at the reasoning he's decided to give.]
What does -
[And then he goes on, explains some crackpot reason as to why he isn't suitable to receive affection from either of them, that it will end up with Soleum even more overcome by apparent feelings he already has... Huh?? Clear from his expression, Jaekwan can't imagine how any of that would matter.]
Soleum-ssi... You don't really believe that, do you?
[Choi has surrendered the water to him if he still tries to accept it - but otherwise doesn't speak, allowing Jaekwan to take a whack at this.]
Wouldn't it be worse for you if you had to smother those thoughts rather than allow them to breathe? No matter what, our relationships will continue to develop - It's only natural to feel a connection with your team... There's no shame in returning that feeling.
[Raising a hand to point at Agent Choi, he suddenly adds,] As cruel as it may be to hear me say it so bluntly, the two of us would risk our lives for you. What we do in private does not change that fact.
[So tough luck - either be smothered or at least get comfortable in the feeling.]
[ Sufficiently scolded, cornered, smoked out of hiding behind his numerous attempts to falsify a justification, Soleum sits there, rubbing at the dry knuckles of his closed fist, and he takes the brunt of their frustration. His own takes a back seat, of course — it's brutal, he feels the flood of it churning like it's slowly built up over time, maybe since the first time he put that uniform jacket on, but he has no right to it. So his embarrassment surges in precedence, a stifled flush creeping up his face as his superiors exchange turns taking him to task.
That's what makes them legitimate agents, though, isn't it? That stubborn aptitude for living their purpose as servants to the public with a realism for how far that purpose extends, unclouded by their personal affairs or private agendas. They would risk their lives for him.
He wishes they were both worse men.
Feeling more and more like he can't look at Agent Bronze without having to squint past his admiration for him, nor his shame, he folds slightly over his knees. Stares at the ground, where one of Agent Choi's socks he missed folding away lays by his feet. ]
If I died… [ Somehow it's an easier hypothetical to propose than, "If I went away," or, "If I betrayed you." …Well, he guesses he could have gone with, "If I retired," but it's too late now. ] You think it'd cut the same whether we're intimate or not? You don't think it'd hurt deeper?
[Soleum folds in on himself, squeezing into a smaller space, and the sight of it has Jaekwan backing off a little. In the quiet after his declaration, he sees the color creeping up his face and a stone digs into his stomach. He's used to pushing past these, ignoring personal discomfort for the greater good. But when the greater good is the one crawling inward on himself...]
[He leans over like that and Jaekwan imagines chasing after the gaze, maybe even pulling him back and asking him to look at him directly. His question isn't one he's never considered. Of course it's easier to keep the world at a distance. Of course it's so much simpler and less terrifying to build no connections, to foster no relationships and simply do the duty he's been hired to do. The job he wanted ever since he knew what it was. But the reality of why he wanted that job would never allow for that method of existence.]
...It would hurt me more to know I had never been fully honest with you.
[Unbeknownst to him, that may not help his plight. He goes on without that understanding.]
I can't know things about how I will feel in the future. I can only act based on what I've seen and felt, and what I believe.
[Choi is quiet. All he does is watch, chin seated in his palm, fingers stroking over his lips.]
[ And someone like him believes in Soleum. Feels anchored in that belief. Distantly, he understands that this is what Agent Bronze has been declaring to him the whole time, this whole night; it still makes him sick. The inside of his head is in a poor state. His mouth is dry, the cold sweats terrorizing the back of his neck, and all he can think about is how this moment of weakness must look. How it either deepens his sham or reveals his hand entirely. His eyes close with a soft, ] Hm.
[ Ah, it's sick. It's sickening. Even if he kneels in front of a toilet bowl and empties his stomach, the only thing that'd rise for breath would be more lies.
There's something touching over his eyes, pressing to his nose, dragging down his mouth. Socius greeting him. It's his own hand, he belatedly realizes. But of course. It's habitual, hiding himself. Obscurity is safety, a hefty rope he can always trust to pull him out of a crisis. Even when he can barely make odds and ends of his next move, if he can find a glimpse of an opportunity to take the coward's way out, he absolutely will.
Finally, Soleum's face upturns. There's a tired, mirthless smile there ready to meet the agents. ]
…I should go. I've said what I needed to, and I'm grateful that you both heard me out. I… appreciate your honesty. Sincerely. [ He sits in what he says for a moment, then stands from the couch, an imprint left from how long he'd been in that seat for. ] I'm sorry I can't stay longer.
[That's that, then. Jaekwan is prepared to let it go. Soleum rubs at his face before raising his head and there's that unemotive smile. He really is a lot like their mutual senior at times. It's as worrying as it is familiar - but even as he stands, Jaekwan only lets out an exhale.]
[He'll let it go. It's alright, really - He isn't one to force the point, not when it's so clear that Soleum is against it. It's a simple process to shred their forms, step into the admin office and request the one Agent Choi already submitted to be disregarded. He was being honest when he told him there would be no hard feelings either way, but at least they have this out and said, right? He can live with it if it's simply - ]
[The reason Jaekwan shouted suddenly is because of Agent Choi's actions. Soleum stands and Choi drops his hand from his own face, lips pursed, eyes bright with a blue spark. Soleum apologizes for not staying any longer as if there's something calling for him elsewhere, but the only place he's wanted right now is in this very room. That's why Choi grabs him by the arm.]
[The kiss isn't intense or all that forceful, aside from the fact that it's done without warning or even bothering to ask. Jaekwan barks his title in offense but he seems too shocked by the motion to actually get up and stop them, which gives Choi plenty of time to grasp Soleum by the cheek and tilt his head forcibly into his lips, locking him in place as he takes his fill.]
I don't want to hear any more excuses, Grapes.
[And he pushes at him to sit right back down on the couch, in the space he's carved out for himself. Agent Choi plants his hands on his shoulders, standing over him as if to pin him in place.]
Jaekwan may be able to give up, but you can't expect the same from me. I'm not going to let you go if you're only going to use trite words like that.
[He smiles a little wider. It looks like a smirk, in all honesty, but it's not haughty. There's some serious annoyance in his gaze.]
[ When Agent Choi pulls up at the same time, Soleum jumps, shin colliding with the table's edge. His mouth pulls around an unsaid curse, then parts in surprise, teeth showing, braced for what he can only predict to be an incoming swing on a trip to knock them out. It's either that or a remark so cutting and inarguably true he'd never be able to look him in the eyes again. But his supervisor volleys over his every expectation like it's nothing, like he knows he's fleeing with his tail puffed up and trembling. Waiting for cruelty.
The reality is, he would have preferred having his nose punched in. That Agent Choi's anger and contempt come bearing along with it a clean stroke of pain he could let heal over in the end, and that'd be it. He can't do that with a pair of warm lips clamping over his own, sealing tight what Soleum wants to cry out at him: Why are you prolonging it? Why the hell can't you just let me leave?
His stomach flips crashing back into the couch, making him feel much like a mannequin that's been sent careening over. Its limbs too stiff and awkward to put itself back into order. ]
No, [ he whispers, still stunned, but steadily growing quietly furious. No, they are not idiots. They're both incredibly skilled veterans in their field. But more than their expertise, he holds in the highest regard that they don't need to be more than who they are to help others. They don't need to cling to trite pretenses; they get to stand there as the moral pinnacle of this world, interrogate him, and have every right to.
Agent Choi's veins are a healthy color, smooth and close to his skin. His eyes cruise to the hand on his left shoulder, the right, his gaze coasting over what he can make of Agent Bronze's expression somewhere between — so he didn't know this would happen. The clench of his jaw releases with a measured sigh. ]
What words do you want me to use, sir? My vocabulary isn't as wide as you think it is.
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no subject
Soleum sips at his grapeade, unruffled. When the drink comes away from his mouth, he's nodding, twisting the cap back onto the bottle, as if agreeing that this is the exact question he came to discuss. It's still his every intention to excuse himself after this, so. ]
Yes, about that… Why is having sex with me so important? [ Sex, kissing him, the three of them being close. It feels good, but, even putting aside his crosswired allegiances — ] If we're worried about each other beyond what's professionally acceptable, it complicates the lives of the civilians we're supposed the prioritize in high-risk situations. Maybe you're different, but I'm…
[ He stares at the middle of table, avoiding looking in anyone's direction. After a moment: ] You two have carried on fine without my involvement. The cohesion of the team clearly doesn't depend on me being intimate with either of you.
no subject
[Again the two agents' eyes meet, and something unspoken is said. Choi finally nods and sits back.]
The lives of the agents come first, for starters.
[So, that's kind of off topic, in his opinion. Even if Agent Choi is "that guy who always tries to save one more civilian," he does follow the rules when it comes to ranking who should be saved. Neither he nor Jaekwan are thrilled with the concept behind that, but they dutifully perform it despite that.]
I think the reason we're both pushing you - [Jaekwan interrupts with a flat, "I'm not pushing him."] Ah. Well, the reason I'm still pushing you is because it was obvious that you had a lot of fun. Neither of us have seen you like that about anything else. It feels like you're shutting us out because of something greater than... [He makes a vague sort of gesture, searching for the right word.] Workplace professionality. Does that make sense?
[He motions at Jaekwan suddenly, who blinks in surprise. He's not the focus right now, don't look at him when he can't keep the color of his face under control.] Jaekwan-ie, we never did anything like that before, did we? Well, maybe I touched your butt a few times - But it wasn't until Soleum-ah joined the team. It's kind of like... Kind of like we reached a new level of communication.
[Jaekwan doesn't respond, but from his expression he clearly doesn't disagree. Choi looks back at Soleum.]
But, nothing is going to change if you're being serious, but sometimes you'll say something like, "No, I've had enough," and then I'll give you more kkakdugi and you eat the whole serving. Isn't it better to be full than sated?
[Jaekwan looks particularly exhausted by this comparison but says nothing.]
no subject
It was the wrong thing to say; he said it, anyway, permitting the correction. Offering his senior a lead-in to snap apart Soleum's reasoning like a cheap plastic toy. Hoping it'd cast doubt that a rookie who can't even remember one of the fundamental rules of being an agent could possibly maintain unclouded judgment while — coupling with them. Jaekwan's perspective was punctuated by each account in which Soleum had contributed to the success of the mission, the number of civilians brought home to safety…
But it's still difficult. To bear the affection underlying their rejection of what Soleum tells them without feeling the distinction between him and the agents even more.
Listening on, cool red eyes perch on Agent Choi's form. He has a lot to say — or rather, get off his chest? Is this part of this new level of communication of theirs? He tries to keep eye contact throughout, but at some point, he slips up, his frames tilting down his nose, watching Jaekwan, the wave of his scarred hands, anything else that isn't the cutting clarity in the senior agent's gaze.
When he's done, Soleum has nothing to say for a period. Merely sits there on the edge of the couch, the curve of his spine soldier-straight, unmoving. The seconds tick by until, quietly, a self-deprecating smile rises to his lips. ]
Is it that I'm not filled, or that you're aware I have a hard time saying no to you?
[ Except he's saying no right now, in no small thanks to Jaekwan sharing this propensity with him.
Soleum sets the grapeade aside on the table. He hasn't taken more than a single sip and likely shouldn't take anything further. ]
I've been serious this entire time, sir. Even if part of it has to do with a personal issue, that doesn't… [ No, go for something softer. ] I don't think it's something that can be solved by either of you.
no subject
[Choi's eyes fall to the grape ade, staring at it when it's set down on the table. He did give it to him despite his refusal over text, and he did goad him into coming here, into having this discussion against his wishes... And Jaekwan, it's clear he was fine with leaving sleeping dogs lie based on what he said before, but...]
[But, what? The simple fact of the matter is that he's selfish, right? That he wants to have his cake even when every crumb has been devoured. He wants Soleum and Jaekwan beside him, doesn't want to surrender that. The agents' lives come first, and even if he'll gladly risk his own hide to save one more civilian from peril, he'd never do it if it meant either of them getting hurt instead. Isn't he just selfish as hell?]
[But it's the "personal issue" line that gives him pause. If he's selfish, then Soleum... What is he? He's a little cagey, often refuses to reveal his entire hand until the last moment. He has so much going on that they can't even begin to imagine. But he's caring, too. There's a reason he passed the agent exam, that he wasn't knocked out by the Truth Breathing Machine. There's something pure in him. He wants to save people. He wants to do this work. Even if Choi has his suspicions about his allegiances, he's never suspected that he wasn't honest about that.]
[So the personal issue... It's what he said over text, right? The smile comes back, but it's not carefree or pasted on to allow for an air of calm. It's the kind of smile when someone finally admits there's a deeper pain that you knew they were hiding. He's a little relieved, to hear the same excuse repeated. He's not digging up random reasons to deny them. They must be at the bottom of his well.]
I told you, right? This doesn't have to mean anything... but there's still a greater meaning to it.
[Jaekwan's brows furrow, clearly not understanding what Choi means by that... but it's okay. He'll make a diagram for him later.]
Even if we can't solve your problems, we can still help you carry them.
no subject
If the point is the pleasure of it, the comfort of being allowed to touch your hand to someone else's and have their fingers tighten and pull around you. Someone you care about. Someone who cares about you in return, to a lesser, or greater, or indeterminable extent… That can be meaning enough. Emotionally, it doesn't have to evolve past that, is what the agent is saying. What he and Jaekwan are offering to Soleum. He understands that.
Still, the muscles in his cheeks tense with the compulsion to wince, but in glimpsing Agent Choi's own expression, what he can only read as a sort of openness to, well, whatever Soleum decides, to reject them or not, he compromises by looking fairly scorned. As if he's just been gently reminded his annual workplace conduct training is a day overdue. Which isn't meant to make him feel guilty, but the kindness of it is nearly potent enough to rattle him into surrendering. Soleum rubs at his wrist, pressing against the tattoo seared there, hidden to the naked eye. Just one thing of everything else he can't explain to the people in front of him.
They're not asking me to, Soleum clarifies in his own mind. The thing is, when you welcome others to see a confidential part of you, to file it away in their own understanding of who you are, where does it stop? Where do you? That's the piece he isn't confident in. Himself, and what he'll want, given the chance to want. He's only human, after all.
Neglecting to answer for a time, he softly lets out a breath. His escapes the conversation at hand with a glance toward the kitchen area. ]
…If it isn't any trouble, could I have a glass of water, please? [ He starts to push up off from his knees. ] I can fetch it myself if you tell me which cabinet.
no subject
Of course.
[He motions for him to stay where he is, getting to his feet and moving to the kitchen. He opens a cabinet to find a clean glass and adds some ice from the freezer before filling it with water. Jaekwan sits back and takes a slow drink. He has the terrible feeling that this entire situation is his own fault.]
Soleum-ah.
[Choi is back not a moment later, offering out the glass to Soleum, but he doesn't actually let go of it. He has a question first, one he's never bothered to ask but feels pertinent right now.]
Are you afraid?
[Is that part of it? Is he afraid of them - or rather, of the situation they've put him in? Admitting your fear isn't a sin like it is in that black company, but Choi knows it's still a loaded question. He asks gently, hoping the atmosphere of his home will help alleviate the tension.]
Jaekwan's affection can be overwhelming, right? But you know it's not from a place of wanting to tie you down.
no subject
[ It turns out, it doesn't matter that Agent Choi doesn't let go. His fingertips have only tapped the glass for hardly a countable amount of seconds before his hand has whipped back. Perhaps this wasn't the intended effect by posing that question, but it does manage to dispel some of Soleum's restraint. ]
Bronze-nim isn't — [ Soleum shoots a look at Agent Bronze, brow furrowed like he might apologize or ask if he that's how he truly feels. If his rejection has implied anything of the sort. He bites his tongue. ] It's not that. Please don't think it's that. It's… [ His head shakes, Soleum turning his gaze back to the wringing hands in his lap. ]
There's nothing wrong with anyone's… affection.
[ Water held hostage by his superior, his throat cracks dryly around that very last word. But he still says it, still tries to sweep past his own hard-to-understand worries, like carefully trimming out the excess, unnecessary fat of a raw cut of meat. ]
I'm just not suitable to receive any of it.
[ How many reasons has he supplied them in the last 24 hours? What's one more? ]
As a regular subordinate, I'm already attached to this team. I already don't want to imagine the worst that could happen, what mistakes I could make that might come back around to either of you. Adding in the kind of thing you're interested in… It'll make my feelings even more unbearable.
no subject
What does -
[And then he goes on, explains some crackpot reason as to why he isn't suitable to receive affection from either of them, that it will end up with Soleum even more overcome by apparent feelings he already has... Huh?? Clear from his expression, Jaekwan can't imagine how any of that would matter.]
Soleum-ssi... You don't really believe that, do you?
[Choi has surrendered the water to him if he still tries to accept it - but otherwise doesn't speak, allowing Jaekwan to take a whack at this.]
Wouldn't it be worse for you if you had to smother those thoughts rather than allow them to breathe? No matter what, our relationships will continue to develop - It's only natural to feel a connection with your team... There's no shame in returning that feeling.
[Raising a hand to point at Agent Choi, he suddenly adds,] As cruel as it may be to hear me say it so bluntly, the two of us would risk our lives for you. What we do in private does not change that fact.
[So tough luck - either be smothered or at least get comfortable in the feeling.]
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That's what makes them legitimate agents, though, isn't it? That stubborn aptitude for living their purpose as servants to the public with a realism for how far that purpose extends, unclouded by their personal affairs or private agendas. They would risk their lives for him.
He wishes they were both worse men.
Feeling more and more like he can't look at Agent Bronze without having to squint past his admiration for him, nor his shame, he folds slightly over his knees. Stares at the ground, where one of Agent Choi's socks he missed folding away lays by his feet. ]
If I died… [ Somehow it's an easier hypothetical to propose than, "If I went away," or, "If I betrayed you." …Well, he guesses he could have gone with, "If I retired," but it's too late now. ] You think it'd cut the same whether we're intimate or not? You don't think it'd hurt deeper?
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[He leans over like that and Jaekwan imagines chasing after the gaze, maybe even pulling him back and asking him to look at him directly. His question isn't one he's never considered. Of course it's easier to keep the world at a distance. Of course it's so much simpler and less terrifying to build no connections, to foster no relationships and simply do the duty he's been hired to do. The job he wanted ever since he knew what it was. But the reality of why he wanted that job would never allow for that method of existence.]
...It would hurt me more to know I had never been fully honest with you.
[Unbeknownst to him, that may not help his plight. He goes on without that understanding.]
I can't know things about how I will feel in the future. I can only act based on what I've seen and felt, and what I believe.
[Choi is quiet. All he does is watch, chin seated in his palm, fingers stroking over his lips.]
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[ Ah, it's sick. It's sickening. Even if he kneels in front of a toilet bowl and empties his stomach, the only thing that'd rise for breath would be more lies.
There's something touching over his eyes, pressing to his nose, dragging down his mouth. Socius greeting him. It's his own hand, he belatedly realizes. But of course. It's habitual, hiding himself. Obscurity is safety, a hefty rope he can always trust to pull him out of a crisis. Even when he can barely make odds and ends of his next move, if he can find a glimpse of an opportunity to take the coward's way out, he absolutely will.
Finally, Soleum's face upturns. There's a tired, mirthless smile there ready to meet the agents. ]
…I should go. I've said what I needed to, and I'm grateful that you both heard me out. I… appreciate your honesty. Sincerely. [ He sits in what he says for a moment, then stands from the couch, an imprint left from how long he'd been in that seat for. ] I'm sorry I can't stay longer.
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[He'll let it go. It's alright, really - He isn't one to force the point, not when it's so clear that Soleum is against it. It's a simple process to shred their forms, step into the admin office and request the one Agent Choi already submitted to be disregarded. He was being honest when he told him there would be no hard feelings either way, but at least they have this out and said, right? He can live with it if it's simply - ]
Agent!
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[The kiss isn't intense or all that forceful, aside from the fact that it's done without warning or even bothering to ask. Jaekwan barks his title in offense but he seems too shocked by the motion to actually get up and stop them, which gives Choi plenty of time to grasp Soleum by the cheek and tilt his head forcibly into his lips, locking him in place as he takes his fill.]
I don't want to hear any more excuses, Grapes.
[And he pushes at him to sit right back down on the couch, in the space he's carved out for himself. Agent Choi plants his hands on his shoulders, standing over him as if to pin him in place.]
Jaekwan may be able to give up, but you can't expect the same from me. I'm not going to let you go if you're only going to use trite words like that.
[He smiles a little wider. It looks like a smirk, in all honesty, but it's not haughty. There's some serious annoyance in his gaze.]
Do you think we're both idiots or something?
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The reality is, he would have preferred having his nose punched in. That Agent Choi's anger and contempt come bearing along with it a clean stroke of pain he could let heal over in the end, and that'd be it. He can't do that with a pair of warm lips clamping over his own, sealing tight what Soleum wants to cry out at him: Why are you prolonging it? Why the hell can't you just let me leave?
His stomach flips crashing back into the couch, making him feel much like a mannequin that's been sent careening over. Its limbs too stiff and awkward to put itself back into order. ]
No, [ he whispers, still stunned, but steadily growing quietly furious. No, they are not idiots. They're both incredibly skilled veterans in their field. But more than their expertise, he holds in the highest regard that they don't need to be more than who they are to help others. They don't need to cling to trite pretenses; they get to stand there as the moral pinnacle of this world, interrogate him, and have every right to.
Agent Choi's veins are a healthy color, smooth and close to his skin. His eyes cruise to the hand on his left shoulder, the right, his gaze coasting over what he can make of Agent Bronze's expression somewhere between — so he didn't know this would happen. The clench of his jaw releases with a measured sigh. ]
What words do you want me to use, sir? My vocabulary isn't as wide as you think it is.