[Already annoyed by Agent Choi using him as a means of deflection, Jaekwan is startled with the way Soleum responds in kind, flustered and anxious. He opens his mouth to say something harsh at Choi to alleviate the tension but Soleum's excuse comes out before he can do more than give him a harsh look. His eyes immediately sweep straight back to him, now shocked at the reasoning he's decided to give.]
What does -
[And then he goes on, explains some crackpot reason as to why he isn't suitable to receive affection from either of them, that it will end up with Soleum even more overcome by apparent feelings he already has... Huh?? Clear from his expression, Jaekwan can't imagine how any of that would matter.]
Soleum-ssi... You don't really believe that, do you?
[Choi has surrendered the water to him if he still tries to accept it - but otherwise doesn't speak, allowing Jaekwan to take a whack at this.]
Wouldn't it be worse for you if you had to smother those thoughts rather than allow them to breathe? No matter what, our relationships will continue to develop - It's only natural to feel a connection with your team... There's no shame in returning that feeling.
[Raising a hand to point at Agent Choi, he suddenly adds,] As cruel as it may be to hear me say it so bluntly, the two of us would risk our lives for you. What we do in private does not change that fact.
[So tough luck - either be smothered or at least get comfortable in the feeling.]
[ Sufficiently scolded, cornered, smoked out of hiding behind his numerous attempts to falsify a justification, Soleum sits there, rubbing at the dry knuckles of his closed fist, and he takes the brunt of their frustration. His own takes a back seat, of course — it's brutal, he feels the flood of it churning like it's slowly built up over time, maybe since the first time he put that uniform jacket on, but he has no right to it. So his embarrassment surges in precedence, a stifled flush creeping up his face as his superiors exchange turns taking him to task.
That's what makes them legitimate agents, though, isn't it? That stubborn aptitude for living their purpose as servants to the public with a realism for how far that purpose extends, unclouded by their personal affairs or private agendas. They would risk their lives for him.
He wishes they were both worse men.
Feeling more and more like he can't look at Agent Bronze without having to squint past his admiration for him, nor his shame, he folds slightly over his knees. Stares at the ground, where one of Agent Choi's socks he missed folding away lays by his feet. ]
If I died… [ Somehow it's an easier hypothetical to propose than, "If I went away," or, "If I betrayed you." …Well, he guesses he could have gone with, "If I retired," but it's too late now. ] You think it'd cut the same whether we're intimate or not? You don't think it'd hurt deeper?
[Soleum folds in on himself, squeezing into a smaller space, and the sight of it has Jaekwan backing off a little. In the quiet after his declaration, he sees the color creeping up his face and a stone digs into his stomach. He's used to pushing past these, ignoring personal discomfort for the greater good. But when the greater good is the one crawling inward on himself...]
[He leans over like that and Jaekwan imagines chasing after the gaze, maybe even pulling him back and asking him to look at him directly. His question isn't one he's never considered. Of course it's easier to keep the world at a distance. Of course it's so much simpler and less terrifying to build no connections, to foster no relationships and simply do the duty he's been hired to do. The job he wanted ever since he knew what it was. But the reality of why he wanted that job would never allow for that method of existence.]
...It would hurt me more to know I had never been fully honest with you.
[Unbeknownst to him, that may not help his plight. He goes on without that understanding.]
I can't know things about how I will feel in the future. I can only act based on what I've seen and felt, and what I believe.
[Choi is quiet. All he does is watch, chin seated in his palm, fingers stroking over his lips.]
[ And someone like him believes in Soleum. Feels anchored in that belief. Distantly, he understands that this is what Agent Bronze has been declaring to him the whole time, this whole night; it still makes him sick. The inside of his head is in a poor state. His mouth is dry, the cold sweats terrorizing the back of his neck, and all he can think about is how this moment of weakness must look. How it either deepens his sham or reveals his hand entirely. His eyes close with a soft, ] Hm.
[ Ah, it's sick. It's sickening. Even if he kneels in front of a toilet bowl and empties his stomach, the only thing that'd rise for breath would be more lies.
There's something touching over his eyes, pressing to his nose, dragging down his mouth. Socius greeting him. It's his own hand, he belatedly realizes. But of course. It's habitual, hiding himself. Obscurity is safety, a hefty rope he can always trust to pull him out of a crisis. Even when he can barely make odds and ends of his next move, if he can find a glimpse of an opportunity to take the coward's way out, he absolutely will.
Finally, Soleum's face upturns. There's a tired, mirthless smile there ready to meet the agents. ]
…I should go. I've said what I needed to, and I'm grateful that you both heard me out. I… appreciate your honesty. Sincerely. [ He sits in what he says for a moment, then stands from the couch, an imprint left from how long he'd been in that seat for. ] I'm sorry I can't stay longer.
[That's that, then. Jaekwan is prepared to let it go. Soleum rubs at his face before raising his head and there's that unemotive smile. He really is a lot like their mutual senior at times. It's as worrying as it is familiar - but even as he stands, Jaekwan only lets out an exhale.]
[He'll let it go. It's alright, really - He isn't one to force the point, not when it's so clear that Soleum is against it. It's a simple process to shred their forms, step into the admin office and request the one Agent Choi already submitted to be disregarded. He was being honest when he told him there would be no hard feelings either way, but at least they have this out and said, right? He can live with it if it's simply - ]
[The reason Jaekwan shouted suddenly is because of Agent Choi's actions. Soleum stands and Choi drops his hand from his own face, lips pursed, eyes bright with a blue spark. Soleum apologizes for not staying any longer as if there's something calling for him elsewhere, but the only place he's wanted right now is in this very room. That's why Choi grabs him by the arm.]
[The kiss isn't intense or all that forceful, aside from the fact that it's done without warning or even bothering to ask. Jaekwan barks his title in offense but he seems too shocked by the motion to actually get up and stop them, which gives Choi plenty of time to grasp Soleum by the cheek and tilt his head forcibly into his lips, locking him in place as he takes his fill.]
I don't want to hear any more excuses, Grapes.
[And he pushes at him to sit right back down on the couch, in the space he's carved out for himself. Agent Choi plants his hands on his shoulders, standing over him as if to pin him in place.]
Jaekwan may be able to give up, but you can't expect the same from me. I'm not going to let you go if you're only going to use trite words like that.
[He smiles a little wider. It looks like a smirk, in all honesty, but it's not haughty. There's some serious annoyance in his gaze.]
[ When Agent Choi pulls up at the same time, Soleum jumps, shin colliding with the table's edge. His mouth pulls around an unsaid curse, then parts in surprise, teeth showing, braced for what he can only predict to be an incoming swing on a trip to knock them out. It's either that or a remark so cutting and inarguably true he'd never be able to look him in the eyes again. But his supervisor volleys over his every expectation like it's nothing, like he knows he's fleeing with his tail puffed up and trembling. Waiting for cruelty.
The reality is, he would have preferred having his nose punched in. That Agent Choi's anger and contempt come bearing along with it a clean stroke of pain he could let heal over in the end, and that'd be it. He can't do that with a pair of warm lips clamping over his own, sealing tight what Soleum wants to cry out at him: Why are you prolonging it? Why the hell can't you just let me leave?
His stomach flips crashing back into the couch, making him feel much like a mannequin that's been sent careening over. Its limbs too stiff and awkward to put itself back into order. ]
No, [ he whispers, still stunned, but steadily growing quietly furious. No, they are not idiots. They're both incredibly skilled veterans in their field. But more than their expertise, he holds in the highest regard that they don't need to be more than who they are to help others. They don't need to cling to trite pretenses; they get to stand there as the moral pinnacle of this world, interrogate him, and have every right to.
Agent Choi's veins are a healthy color, smooth and close to his skin. His eyes cruise to the hand on his left shoulder, the right, his gaze coasting over what he can make of Agent Bronze's expression somewhere between — so he didn't know this would happen. The clench of his jaw releases with a measured sigh. ]
What words do you want me to use, sir? My vocabulary isn't as wide as you think it is.
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no subject
What does -
[And then he goes on, explains some crackpot reason as to why he isn't suitable to receive affection from either of them, that it will end up with Soleum even more overcome by apparent feelings he already has... Huh?? Clear from his expression, Jaekwan can't imagine how any of that would matter.]
Soleum-ssi... You don't really believe that, do you?
[Choi has surrendered the water to him if he still tries to accept it - but otherwise doesn't speak, allowing Jaekwan to take a whack at this.]
Wouldn't it be worse for you if you had to smother those thoughts rather than allow them to breathe? No matter what, our relationships will continue to develop - It's only natural to feel a connection with your team... There's no shame in returning that feeling.
[Raising a hand to point at Agent Choi, he suddenly adds,] As cruel as it may be to hear me say it so bluntly, the two of us would risk our lives for you. What we do in private does not change that fact.
[So tough luck - either be smothered or at least get comfortable in the feeling.]
no subject
That's what makes them legitimate agents, though, isn't it? That stubborn aptitude for living their purpose as servants to the public with a realism for how far that purpose extends, unclouded by their personal affairs or private agendas. They would risk their lives for him.
He wishes they were both worse men.
Feeling more and more like he can't look at Agent Bronze without having to squint past his admiration for him, nor his shame, he folds slightly over his knees. Stares at the ground, where one of Agent Choi's socks he missed folding away lays by his feet. ]
If I died… [ Somehow it's an easier hypothetical to propose than, "If I went away," or, "If I betrayed you." …Well, he guesses he could have gone with, "If I retired," but it's too late now. ] You think it'd cut the same whether we're intimate or not? You don't think it'd hurt deeper?
no subject
[He leans over like that and Jaekwan imagines chasing after the gaze, maybe even pulling him back and asking him to look at him directly. His question isn't one he's never considered. Of course it's easier to keep the world at a distance. Of course it's so much simpler and less terrifying to build no connections, to foster no relationships and simply do the duty he's been hired to do. The job he wanted ever since he knew what it was. But the reality of why he wanted that job would never allow for that method of existence.]
...It would hurt me more to know I had never been fully honest with you.
[Unbeknownst to him, that may not help his plight. He goes on without that understanding.]
I can't know things about how I will feel in the future. I can only act based on what I've seen and felt, and what I believe.
[Choi is quiet. All he does is watch, chin seated in his palm, fingers stroking over his lips.]
no subject
[ Ah, it's sick. It's sickening. Even if he kneels in front of a toilet bowl and empties his stomach, the only thing that'd rise for breath would be more lies.
There's something touching over his eyes, pressing to his nose, dragging down his mouth. Socius greeting him. It's his own hand, he belatedly realizes. But of course. It's habitual, hiding himself. Obscurity is safety, a hefty rope he can always trust to pull him out of a crisis. Even when he can barely make odds and ends of his next move, if he can find a glimpse of an opportunity to take the coward's way out, he absolutely will.
Finally, Soleum's face upturns. There's a tired, mirthless smile there ready to meet the agents. ]
…I should go. I've said what I needed to, and I'm grateful that you both heard me out. I… appreciate your honesty. Sincerely. [ He sits in what he says for a moment, then stands from the couch, an imprint left from how long he'd been in that seat for. ] I'm sorry I can't stay longer.
no subject
[He'll let it go. It's alright, really - He isn't one to force the point, not when it's so clear that Soleum is against it. It's a simple process to shred their forms, step into the admin office and request the one Agent Choi already submitted to be disregarded. He was being honest when he told him there would be no hard feelings either way, but at least they have this out and said, right? He can live with it if it's simply - ]
Agent!
no subject
[The kiss isn't intense or all that forceful, aside from the fact that it's done without warning or even bothering to ask. Jaekwan barks his title in offense but he seems too shocked by the motion to actually get up and stop them, which gives Choi plenty of time to grasp Soleum by the cheek and tilt his head forcibly into his lips, locking him in place as he takes his fill.]
I don't want to hear any more excuses, Grapes.
[And he pushes at him to sit right back down on the couch, in the space he's carved out for himself. Agent Choi plants his hands on his shoulders, standing over him as if to pin him in place.]
Jaekwan may be able to give up, but you can't expect the same from me. I'm not going to let you go if you're only going to use trite words like that.
[He smiles a little wider. It looks like a smirk, in all honesty, but it's not haughty. There's some serious annoyance in his gaze.]
Do you think we're both idiots or something?
no subject
The reality is, he would have preferred having his nose punched in. That Agent Choi's anger and contempt come bearing along with it a clean stroke of pain he could let heal over in the end, and that'd be it. He can't do that with a pair of warm lips clamping over his own, sealing tight what Soleum wants to cry out at him: Why are you prolonging it? Why the hell can't you just let me leave?
His stomach flips crashing back into the couch, making him feel much like a mannequin that's been sent careening over. Its limbs too stiff and awkward to put itself back into order. ]
No, [ he whispers, still stunned, but steadily growing quietly furious. No, they are not idiots. They're both incredibly skilled veterans in their field. But more than their expertise, he holds in the highest regard that they don't need to be more than who they are to help others. They don't need to cling to trite pretenses; they get to stand there as the moral pinnacle of this world, interrogate him, and have every right to.
Agent Choi's veins are a healthy color, smooth and close to his skin. His eyes cruise to the hand on his left shoulder, the right, his gaze coasting over what he can make of Agent Bronze's expression somewhere between — so he didn't know this would happen. The clench of his jaw releases with a measured sigh. ]
What words do you want me to use, sir? My vocabulary isn't as wide as you think it is.