Um, if it's hot for you, you should blow first. And I doubt Agent Bronze would appreciate that comparison… [ But he's not in disagreement; the other agent does eat quite a bit. ] Will the leftovers be enough for him?
[ The spices wafting up from the to-go tray smack his senses like a baseball bat hitting a home run. Agent Choi's egging wins him a weak, unconvinced look in return from Soleum before he daintily pricks at an egg slice with a toothpick. The astounding heat is what seeps into his taste buds first, then the immense flavor of the gochujang, but rather than wince or reach for his drink, he hums thoughtfully. ]
It's good. The sauce really sticks well.
[ Even though his tongue is sweating from inside his mouth.
He sucks on the toothpick to savor the last of the droplets, digging back in with a few of the thinner cuts of fish cake. ]
Mm, that's good, too — have you tried one of these yet, sir?
[ Soleum tips up one of the cakes closer to Agent Choi's face, just a hair's breadth away from poking his lips with the tiny skewer. ]
[He has given Jaekwan much worse comparisons, he should be happy to get something as tame as "bear-like." Soleum has surely seen that guy shirtless by now, anyway.]
Well, it's just a snack, so it's not like he'll have to survive off it... Hmm, this place cuts them up instead of folding them, and I like that way better, myself. [Without a thought, he leans forward to accept the food, taking it in one tug of his lips and chewing thoughtfully. His tongue and lips feel like they're going to char.] Yeah, it's good, right? And it's not that far from the bureau. You should come here sometimes, too.
[It's hard to tell how long Soleum has been in Seoul, given the total dearth of information that the bureau has found on him, so in a way Choi finds it oddly necessary to show him these things. As if he's never been a student, or lived in the city - which, given how he acts and speaks, surely can't be the case, right...? But who even knows.]
Spicy food makes me want to smoke, you know. Have you ever before? I made an assumption earlier, but then you tried to light up right away.
[ Soleum focuses on eating as the agent carries on speaking, his throat itching, skin tacked with a special sort of sheen that could only be thanks to the spice of their meal catching up to him. But he manages to maintain his composure, watching Agent Choi chew on the fish cake and talk at the same time. It's a little like watching a dog successfully perform a trick; he nearly wants to tell him 'good job,' and offer another as a reward.
But then Agent Choi indirectly reminds him: He's still got his pack of cigarettes in his pocket. He starts to hand the box over, only to pause, fingering at a single stick jutting out from the group. ]
Do you mind if I keep one? I quit smoking some time ago. [ He doesn't remember when. ] I wouldn't say I was the best at it, but it was… nice to have something to fall back on after work.
[ Oftentimes, during, he suspects. Corporate work was just like that. ]
I suppose I saw you doing it and thought I'd be able to go back to how I was before. I was wrong, though… How'd you get into the habit?
[So he was a smoker, huh? Choi listens while chewing slowly, his eyes dragging over the sweat sliding down Soleum's brow. He must have really over-worked him, didn't he. Setting the box of food on one of the bike seats, he reaches into the bag to pull out a bottle of water and takes a drink.]
How did I get into the habit... [He repeats the question, seeming to think about it as he accepts the box back. He taps two out and hands one to Soleum, the other going to his mouth.] I don't remember. I probably picked it up from a senior, or from going to social events. Hmm, I feel like I've smoked for a long time, though. [The box is held back out to him, offering it back.] It's nice to have something like that, but you shouldn't lean on it, you know? It's a nice thing to take the edge off sometimes. But it doesn't solve any problems.
[So, if he plans to use it to relax or calm down after work, Choi will disagree with its effectiveness. He's aware he only smokes due to an addiction.]
Thankfully, the only person who doesn't like it is Agent Bronze. [And from his pocket he pulls a second lighter, offering its flame to Soleum first.] But I think he just doesn't like the smell, so don't worry. He won't bother you about it if you're caught. [Like he's a high schooler caught with a pack.]
Agent Bronze let's you get away with a lot. I hope he stays strong.
[ Reaching for another cigarette, a younger version of the agent — still as sly-faced as he is today, but less abraded by his line of work — sits in his mind, passing the same joint back-and-forth with someone who was never identified in the original wiki, and who Soleum may never meet. He lowers himself closer to Agent Choi's scarred fingers, mouth briefly illuminated by the lighter's flame, drawing in a breath.
There were plenty of nameless characters like that in the stories he read before coming to this world. People who die early and out of sight, people who fade into obscurity, their fate condemned to fan interpretation. That's just the nature of fiction. Soleum would even go as far as to say that's the safer way to be. If the reader doesn't know your name, they can't be troubled by your absence. Can't come to a meaningful judgment about a person that's only passing through. ]
I don't plan to become a chain smoker, if that's what you're worried about.
[ The smoke sieves through more smoothly this time around, blown out from the corner of his lips with more skill. After all, he doesn't really like it. The bitterness lingering on his tongue, the engulfing heat pressed to his lungs. There's a wrongness to to the air that spills out, a shame to it; at the same time, this is the calmest he's felt all day. ]
Like I said, I wanted to be a little more like you, not so — [ The hand holding his cigarette slightly waves in the air, pale ash dropping against his knee. He wipes at it, leaving one more smudge on his pants. ]
…It won't solve anything. But isn't it okay to try?
["A little more like you"... It's odd to hear it so bluntly.]
[It's not that he has any misconceptions about the kind of silhouette he strikes in the bureau - the way people see him, the character they've established from his deeds. But... This kid. His motives are as muddled as always. It's impossible to get any clarity on his plans, on his intentions. It's clear when he's lying, it's clear when he's avoiding something, when he's trying to force a specific reaction. Even Jaekwan can notice those moments sometimes. But right now, it's almost impossible for Choi to believe he's telling the truth.]
[Well, that's fine. He'll take it at face value for the time being.]
...I guess it's your decision, in the end.
[He's still watching him with a smile, snapping the lighter once more to light his own cigarette. Yeah, Bronze is definitely going to be annoyed when they both show up reeking of tobacco, but he has food so he can't be that upset. Choi leans against the bike rack and looks upward.]
I can't fault a rookie for thinking his sunbae has it all together. But don't let that keep you from growing, either, okay?
[The smoke leaks out as he speaks until he finally exhales fully, tapping the ashes onto the ground.]
The moon shouldn't envy the sun during the day, they say - or something. One day I'll be relying on you, right?
[ The lie isn't that he doesn't admire Agent Choi. Somehow all the contributors to his stories agreed upon the fact that he was a good person, through and through. He could be funny. He could be brave. Seemingly obtuse one moment, then the ideal employee the next. He could be quick-witted where others would freeze in place, and he could visualize the exact path his bell-adorned blade could cut forward with the tempered resolution of someone ready to light the sky on fire. And then he could walk it. There are reasons why he kept close track of the agent's adventures to the very end.
No, it's in the possibility that Soleum could believe that he could come close to a person like that. That's where Agent Choi has every right to doubt him.
Haha… He slips the end of the cigarette back into his mouth again, suddenly needing another dose of nicotine to loosen the tension in his shoulders. ]
Moon? [ he says quietly to himself, lips curved in a skeptical smile. Satellite, more like. ] I'll try to live up to your expectations, but you're… being too generous.
[ Seriously. What is Soleum supposed to say to something so sincere? 'When I eventually fall short down the line, please don't take it to heart'? ]
I mean, besides this way, do you see another avenue I could grow?
[Oh, he sees hundreds, if not thousands of paths for Soleum. But they all start from a singular fork: The bureau down one way, and the other leading to Daydream.]
[There's no use saying that, however. He knows that even though there is a knowledge gap between them, that there are secrets they are both aware each other is actively keeping. Choi gazes at him out of the corner of his eye, unable to keep a knowing sort of smirk off his lips, like Soleum just set him up for a great punchline.]
More honesty, when you need help.
[That's where he'll leave it, anyway. It's always good to keep him on his toes, this dance between senior and spy.]
Ah, but I've been thinking of quitting lately. Smoking, I mean. [He says as he takes a drag.] If I'm in a disaster for too long, I don't like the headache from withdrawal. So, like I said, it's better not to have these kinds of dependencies.
...But your friend - Your little one who you started bringing around. [He points to the bunny, seated in his pocket.] I think that's not a problem. [Somehow he decided it must be for comfort.]
Soleum wants more than anything to flick his eyes elsewhere, somewhere that isn't ahead at the senior agent, somewhere that doesn't make his heart rate quicken and his brain flood with anxiety. Instead, he doesn't move. He lets him control the conversation as he sees fit, moving on to talk about quitting the habit he's most known for by fans, then to an aspect of Soleum that should be above his notice. His suspicion. ]
He's… a good friend of mine. But he can be a bit of a problem child from time to time, so I'm glad you think so.
[ Though Agent Choi is a bit like that as well. Perhaps they'd get along up to a point.
— Mr. Roe Deer, while I realize we've had our differences, I do believe that is quite backhanded of you to say…
I understand, but please continue enduring.
Another trail smoke pushes past his lips. The butt of his cigarette is starting to shorten. ]
Have you tried anything other than smoking before? I know you wanted to avoid dependencies, but what about using something as a distraction? I hear some people like candy.
[There's something kind of charming about Soleum being attached to a stuffed rabbit toy.]
[But only kind of. He's curious, but he still doesn't probe deeper. Choi sucks on the filter as he considers the suggestion of candy - or rather, of finding something else to distract him with.]
Mmm... Candy wouldn't be too different, I think. One reason I don't like smoking anymore is because less people do it now.
[This isn't quite the case. The truth is that Agent Choi takes his smoke breaks by himself for a reason. He uses the excuse that less people smoke, but it's more that he knows no one in Hyunmu 1 does. In the past he had seniors who he would smoke with, he wasn't lying about that. But now, he's the only one, and the silence on the smoker's deck is what he needs sometimes. When the stress gets too stifling, it's a relief to know that area will be empty and waiting for him.]
[But it's lonely, to isolate yourself. He knows it's not how he should handle this. But it's so easy - So simple. The way his pulse will thrum softer, the scent cloaking away everything else...]
[Speaking of isolation.]
We'd better get back, before the food is cold. [He drops the cigarette into a tray on top of the trash can, coughing slightly.] Are you ready to bike a little further? I'll hold onto the bag. Make sure you drink some water, you sweat out your whole supply on the way, Grapes. [More like raisin.]
[ If only Soleum knew what thoughts lived in Agent Choi's head. The reason why he teases him so much, the secrets he refuses to give away easily — then, he wouldn't have to wonder. And then he wouldn't have to wonder why he's wondering, the question gnawing at him like a daily riddle.
But he doesn't know, and he can't. So once the conversation hits a natural lull, his cigarette bud joins the senior agent's, the two sticks left behind in the ash tray seeming to send them off with a wave of the remaining wisps as they head back on their way. The ride's smoother, in no small thanks to the cooling temperatures as night spreads itself across the sky in a thick shroud. Bright streetlights gild their commute back to the bureau, the chime of their bicycle alerting pedestrians that they're coming from behind. The roads are still heavily populated with vehicles but that's how the city is, and it doesn't impede upon their eventual arrival through the gated entryway.
They make a quick stop by Human Resources to drop off the the weathered bike with a different inventory specialist. The other one most have finished his shift.
Inside the elevator headed down to their designated team waiting room, Soleum's leaned up against the side wall, hanging on to the railing. The sweat from the side of his head smudging the reflective surface. His water bottle's almost down to the bottom. At the very least, there's air conditioning. After this, he's heading straight to his locker, hanging up his coat, and catching the next bus ride home.
The elevator dings. The doors sweep open. ]
It was a long day, sir, but I hope you have a good rest of your night, [ he says, slipping off his uniform jacket and folding it over his arm. ] I'll see you tomorrow.
[It's an easy trip back. The setting sun is still warm and the air is still humid but there's a pleasant breeze as they zip through the city center to the bureau. Some kids point at the bike and laugh, others watch with half smiles as they pass. It's an odd sight for sure, two adults riding a tandem bike with a bag of tteokbokki over one handlebar, but Choi doesn't mind the attention. Seeing civilians smiling is nice. It's a friendly reminder to why he likes his job as much as he do.]
[Inventory glances at Choi with a questioning look as he shrugs at them while they turn in the bicycle, like, No clue how I ended up with that thing! He'll have to fill out the paperwork for the lost bike before the end of the week, but he's not thinking about it right now. The contaminated items are dropped off and signed for and when they're headed into the waiting room to strip off their jackets and leave the day behind, Soleum already seems well and ready to head home.]
[Which, home for him is interesting, since Choi is aware it isn't a set place at the moment. So what is there to be so excited to return to? He opens the door to the waiting room with a cheery greeting, but inside it's empty. No Bronze. He hangs in the doorway for a moment, surprised, then sees a message on the whiteboard:
Agents Choi & Grapes: Headed home first, see you tomorrow Good work today. -Bronze
Ahh... He's already gone. [He lets the door close behind Soleum, padding over to his desk slowly.] Hmm, want to finish this with me? I put some beer in the fridge. We're off the clock, should we have a drink?
[ So that was Agent Choi. He could have guessed that one. With all their post-mission dinners so far, he's starting to get a feel for his preference in alcohol.
Soleum stays close to the door, uncertainty fluttering in his gaze, but his jacket starts to droop lower down his arm and that appears to prompt him to move. He readjusts the sling of it as he pushes inside, drifting nearer to the dry erase board to read Agent Bronze's note for himself. ]
Does that feel like a good idea to you? [ He turns just so that the unsure look he sends Agent Choi can't be missed. ] We may be off-clock, but we're still — here, on the premises.
[ Wasn't there a rule about alcoholic consumption in the handbook? That thing was over a hundred page, and he read all of it from front the back after his admission into the bureau, not wanting to risk termination over a mere break of protocol. ]
Do you and Agent Bronze do that often in the waiting room?
[Soleum gives him an unsure glance and Choi returns it with a too-innocent blink. What's wrong with a couple beers after a long day?]
It's fine, it's fine. I mean, after a few long recovery missions, Bronze and I have tossed a few back, sure...
[He trails off, his mind wandering as he closes the fridge, a beer in each hand. Usually they've both been too exhausted to speak on those days. Ache and exhaustion seated over them, freed from medical check-ups and on their way to normalcy. Seated beside each other in this waiting room, a liminal not-quite-real space. A thought coming every time - Is another call going to come while we just sit here? And then, Surely someone else will take that one.]
...Sometimes, it's what you need. To take a seat in a place you know is secure, somewhere with nothing to trick you.
[Choi sits down on the couch, cracking one beer open. The foam fizzles and the liquid inside bubbles and he takes a slow, gradual sip before sighing and leaning back. A cold beer and hot food in air conditioning - It's definitely a good situation.]
Today wasn't too bad, but - It's a little grounding, being here, isn't it? You feel a little steady, right?
[He invitingly pats the spot beside him. Come on, humor him a little, hubei.]
[ Somewhere with nothing to trick you, he says, as if he isn't talking to the biggest trickster in the room. If this place isn't safe from Soleum, then it isn't safe from anything. His coat lands on top of his desk. Soleum doesn't take him up on his offer of the place right beside him, but he does sit on the arm of the couch, a safe distance apart. He can stay, just for a short while.
The dark outline of his scar quivers along the notches of his throat as he surely empties a quarter of the can into his stomach. He really has done this a number of times, without repercussion, hasn't he? ]
There are a lot of items left behind by others here, [ Soleum says, politely glancing about. Right before their mission into the ocean palace, they had a similar conversation about this place. The haunted painting one of his old teammates brought in. The leftover notes, not just scrawled on the board, but left all over the room: in old case files, stuck to the bottom side of his desk drawers, even etched into the wood of their coffee table. It's a place that's never solely belonged to one person, but seems to have indiscriminately welcomed all sorts of people these past several years.
Back then, he'd called it pleasant, but — yes, Agent Choi is right. It is steadying, knowing it's somewhere that will be here long after Soleum has left.
Finally, he takes the other can left on the table, pinching the tab open. ]
Whenever I come here, it has a warm feeling. It's no wonder you leave a bunch of home goods lying around.
[Soleum sits on the edge of the couch as if he's ready to stand up and head out at any moment. It's almost a relief he picks up the beer. Choi watches him, the can held to his lips, then slowly reaches over and tugs on his sleeve.]
You don't want to sit?
[C'monnnnn. Relax with your sunbae who you spent all afternoon with. He stares up at him expectantly.]
This place is like a home to us - Bronze feels the same way. [Hence the "home goods." The notes on the board, the beer in the fridge for long days. The blankets in the closet, the silly plastic desk figures they've gotten from grocery stores as free promotional items. But is it because it's all things from other people that Grapes doesn't feel as if it's "his" home, too?]
Even though this is a workplace, it's part of who we are. That's why it feels like home.
[He leans his head back on the sofa, still staring up at him expectantly. The tilt of his head reveals the long length of his scar, jagged and rough.]
[ The tug draws his attention off to the side, the greenish veins of his wrist peeking out from where his cuff sleeve has been plucked between his senior's fingers. Fingers that have been stabbed and scraped and nearly severed, now looking no better than a kid's pulling at an adult's compass in order to lead them where they want.
A perplexed knit forms at his brow, listening to him equate home to this windowless room, where a part of their elder still lingers behind a thickset drape. It's not like he disagrees with the sentiment. There's no wonder why they would be attached to this place, to this organization, what they and others before them have been fighting for.
There's a thump as Soleum slides, lands on the couch seat. He gently withdraws his hand from Agent Choi, casting a sidelong look his way. Happy? ]
You should eat some more of the leftover tteokbokki, [ he says, lifting his beer to his mouth with both hands, as if it were a tea cup and not cheap alcohol. ] Since we were saving some, I'm sure didn't have enough.
[Soleum moves to sit down beside him and Choi smiles, clearly pleased that it took no extra nagging. He releases him without fight and reaches to pick up the closed box from the covered table.]
Right, right. No use in it going to waste now. Here, you have some, too.
[Now they actually have chopsticks and the food is much cooler, much easier to eat, and washing it down with cold beer helps with the burn from the sauce. He sighs as he sits back and kicks a foot up onto the table.]
I'm going to be tasting this on my tongue all night, now. [He sucks off a bit of sauce from his thumb, glancing at him.] A hot day, and a hot meal... It's best to finish both off with a cold drink and air conditioning. Right?
[He smiles like he made a joke, there, even though there was no punchline, but slowly the smile weakens a little as he looks at Soleum, seems to consider what he's about to say.]
What do you think - Could a place like this be somewhere you feel you belong completely, Grapes?
[ In reality, he was afraid this was the direction Agent Choi was steering the conversation. But by staying put for a while longer, not excusing himself when he could, Soleum essentially gave him a free window to ask. After hounding him so long to stay as a permanent addition to the team, it's a given he would want to hear how he's faring… That's the job of his role on the team. Soleum understands that; he just wishes he had something easy to help him evade answering, honestly or dishonestly. It was easier when he could fall back on his initial struggle of trying to transfer out from the team.
Which leaves him with the question, now that some time has passed: What would the rookie of Black Tortoise 1, their Kim Soleum, say?
Scooted to the edge of his seat so that he's able to more conveniently reach the to-go box, it's not hard to avoid Agent Choi's gaze. He takes his time chewing on more rice cake, staring ahead at nothing in particular. ]
What does 'belong completely' mean to you, Agent Choi? Because I'm still not sure yet… I spent a long time at my previous company working toward a goal I wanted to give myself to in that same way, but…
[ Soleum shakes his head, as if to dismiss one of his darker thoughts. ]
I know the bureau and this team aren't a place like that. If possible, I'd like to continue understanding why that is.
[He can't help but chuckle when Soleum shakes his head, at the vague mention of that sham company. He picks up the second to last rice cake, squeezing it between his chopsticks and dragging it through the sauce.]
It's kind of like the boy from today, isn't it?
[He pops the rice cake into his mouth, speaking while eating.]
Many things linger in life because of their attachment to some sentimental object. Like a bicycle - Or even a bouquet, left by a mourner. A lot of things can trigger ghosts and spirits to hang back, and to cling to this world. But they can't take them with them - so all they end up doing is causing pointless pain.
[Small or large, that's their effect. Either through certain death or the annoyance of a lost bike, those supernatural hanger-ons are nothing but nuisances for them. Yet they're all based in sadness.]
When I think about it like that, it makes me appreciate the things I have right now. This space, my team, the faith people have in me... Those are things I can't bring with me when I have to be the one to move on. Even if I want them.
[As a function of this job, he thinks about his death more than most people. Rightly or wrongly, he assumes others like him are the same in that respect.]
...Maybe this is cruel, Soleum-ah, but when you move on, I hope that you remember this room. And me, too.
[ Soleum listens to Agent Choi casually speak about such existential matters like he's already experienced all there is to understand about that far shore, like he personally knows where the sky runs and ends between this place and the untold heaven not even the Dark Exploration Records is familiar with. Without realizing it, his eyes had risen to focus on him through a clearer lens, the dark of his gaze nearly gleaming red from behind his glasses.
For the first time, it hits him: He's so young. And yet the Agent Choi in the stories he read was consumed by a ghost story at this age, with that understanding of life, of his role, what he was willing to accept and make peace with, like it was something he was made for — which he was, he was written for it. Another thought bludgeons Soleum over the back of his head: Whatever transpires when he leaves, whether he escapes to his former employer in shame or hopefully returns to where he should have been all along, he won't know what happens to this person.
The inner linings of his heart run both hot and cold at once. Expanding, compressing. Leaving nothing in-between. ]
Am I a bicycle to you?
[ He hopes Agent Choi ignores it, the tautness squeezed around his voice, and just enjoys his pitiful attempt at a joke.
He needs another drink, so he takes a long one. Looks down at the leftover fizz bubbling in the rim of his can, his thumbnail scratching into the notch. ]
That's… not something you have to worry about. There are a lot of people who will remember you. [ This room, this team. What it was all for, and the torch that's been passed on. ] That ajumma, Agent Bronze-nim, the agents here… No matter where you go, there will be someone who wants to hang on to you. You're that kind of person.
[Choi's smile grows... pained, when Soleum says that. That's not the point, he wants to insist. He doesn't care about other people, if others will mourn him when he's gone, if they'll miss him or think about him. It's not what he was saying at all, but...]
[But isn't it just like their Grapes, to turn a selfish staement about clinging to life into something that makes Agent Choi seem better than he is? He did say he wanted to be more like him before. Is that what it is to him? Smoking, having people who respect him... That's surely not what he meant then, either, is it?]
[He drops his gaze for a moment, as if abandoning what he was going to ask. Then raises it. Still smiling, but it's still pained, too. A little uneasy, as if he's about to say something kind of embarrassing and even he recognizes it.]
Will you?
[His holds his drink between two fingers and his thumb. There's a long scar right beside his life line on his palm and he remembers making it, himself. Spilling blood to save Bronze from a monstrous beast, drawing its attention toward his scent. The anger in the other agent's eyes when he realized what he was doing. The betrayal, the fury that he would put himself at risk for his sake. But of course he would - he would do anything, at that moment, to make sure Agent Bronze came back with him. And that hand holding Soleum's beer, the one that occasionally shoots Choi a thumbs up as Soleum stares on in unenthused silence - isn't it proof they're so much the same already?]
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no subject
[ The spices wafting up from the to-go tray smack his senses like a baseball bat hitting a home run. Agent Choi's egging wins him a weak, unconvinced look in return from Soleum before he daintily pricks at an egg slice with a toothpick. The astounding heat is what seeps into his taste buds first, then the immense flavor of the gochujang, but rather than wince or reach for his drink, he hums thoughtfully. ]
It's good. The sauce really sticks well.
[ Even though his tongue is sweating from inside his mouth.
He sucks on the toothpick to savor the last of the droplets, digging back in with a few of the thinner cuts of fish cake. ]
Mm, that's good, too — have you tried one of these yet, sir?
[ Soleum tips up one of the cakes closer to Agent Choi's face, just a hair's breadth away from poking his lips with the tiny skewer. ]
no subject
Well, it's just a snack, so it's not like he'll have to survive off it... Hmm, this place cuts them up instead of folding them, and I like that way better, myself. [Without a thought, he leans forward to accept the food, taking it in one tug of his lips and chewing thoughtfully. His tongue and lips feel like they're going to char.] Yeah, it's good, right? And it's not that far from the bureau. You should come here sometimes, too.
[It's hard to tell how long Soleum has been in Seoul, given the total dearth of information that the bureau has found on him, so in a way Choi finds it oddly necessary to show him these things. As if he's never been a student, or lived in the city - which, given how he acts and speaks, surely can't be the case, right...? But who even knows.]
Spicy food makes me want to smoke, you know. Have you ever before? I made an assumption earlier, but then you tried to light up right away.
no subject
But then Agent Choi indirectly reminds him: He's still got his pack of cigarettes in his pocket. He starts to hand the box over, only to pause, fingering at a single stick jutting out from the group. ]
Do you mind if I keep one? I quit smoking some time ago. [ He doesn't remember when. ] I wouldn't say I was the best at it, but it was… nice to have something to fall back on after work.
[ Oftentimes, during, he suspects. Corporate work was just like that. ]
I suppose I saw you doing it and thought I'd be able to go back to how I was before. I was wrong, though… How'd you get into the habit?
no subject
How did I get into the habit... [He repeats the question, seeming to think about it as he accepts the box back. He taps two out and hands one to Soleum, the other going to his mouth.] I don't remember. I probably picked it up from a senior, or from going to social events. Hmm, I feel like I've smoked for a long time, though. [The box is held back out to him, offering it back.] It's nice to have something like that, but you shouldn't lean on it, you know? It's a nice thing to take the edge off sometimes. But it doesn't solve any problems.
[So, if he plans to use it to relax or calm down after work, Choi will disagree with its effectiveness. He's aware he only smokes due to an addiction.]
Thankfully, the only person who doesn't like it is Agent Bronze. [And from his pocket he pulls a second lighter, offering its flame to Soleum first.] But I think he just doesn't like the smell, so don't worry. He won't bother you about it if you're caught. [Like he's a high schooler caught with a pack.]
no subject
[ Reaching for another cigarette, a younger version of the agent — still as sly-faced as he is today, but less abraded by his line of work — sits in his mind, passing the same joint back-and-forth with someone who was never identified in the original wiki, and who Soleum may never meet. He lowers himself closer to Agent Choi's scarred fingers, mouth briefly illuminated by the lighter's flame, drawing in a breath.
There were plenty of nameless characters like that in the stories he read before coming to this world. People who die early and out of sight, people who fade into obscurity, their fate condemned to fan interpretation. That's just the nature of fiction. Soleum would even go as far as to say that's the safer way to be. If the reader doesn't know your name, they can't be troubled by your absence. Can't come to a meaningful judgment about a person that's only passing through. ]
I don't plan to become a chain smoker, if that's what you're worried about.
[ The smoke sieves through more smoothly this time around, blown out from the corner of his lips with more skill. After all, he doesn't really like it. The bitterness lingering on his tongue, the engulfing heat pressed to his lungs. There's a wrongness to to the air that spills out, a shame to it; at the same time, this is the calmest he's felt all day. ]
Like I said, I wanted to be a little more like you, not so — [ The hand holding his cigarette slightly waves in the air, pale ash dropping against his knee. He wipes at it, leaving one more smudge on his pants. ]
…It won't solve anything. But isn't it okay to try?
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[It's not that he has any misconceptions about the kind of silhouette he strikes in the bureau - the way people see him, the character they've established from his deeds. But... This kid. His motives are as muddled as always. It's impossible to get any clarity on his plans, on his intentions. It's clear when he's lying, it's clear when he's avoiding something, when he's trying to force a specific reaction. Even Jaekwan can notice those moments sometimes. But right now, it's almost impossible for Choi to believe he's telling the truth.]
[Well, that's fine. He'll take it at face value for the time being.]
...I guess it's your decision, in the end.
[He's still watching him with a smile, snapping the lighter once more to light his own cigarette. Yeah, Bronze is definitely going to be annoyed when they both show up reeking of tobacco, but he has food so he can't be that upset. Choi leans against the bike rack and looks upward.]
I can't fault a rookie for thinking his sunbae has it all together. But don't let that keep you from growing, either, okay?
[The smoke leaks out as he speaks until he finally exhales fully, tapping the ashes onto the ground.]
The moon shouldn't envy the sun during the day, they say - or something. One day I'll be relying on you, right?
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No, it's in the possibility that Soleum could believe that he could come close to a person like that. That's where Agent Choi has every right to doubt him.
Haha… He slips the end of the cigarette back into his mouth again, suddenly needing another dose of nicotine to loosen the tension in his shoulders. ]
Moon? [ he says quietly to himself, lips curved in a skeptical smile. Satellite, more like. ] I'll try to live up to your expectations, but you're… being too generous.
[ Seriously. What is Soleum supposed to say to something so sincere? 'When I eventually fall short down the line, please don't take it to heart'? ]
I mean, besides this way, do you see another avenue I could grow?
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[There's no use saying that, however. He knows that even though there is a knowledge gap between them, that there are secrets they are both aware each other is actively keeping. Choi gazes at him out of the corner of his eye, unable to keep a knowing sort of smirk off his lips, like Soleum just set him up for a great punchline.]
More honesty, when you need help.
[That's where he'll leave it, anyway. It's always good to keep him on his toes, this dance between senior and spy.]
Ah, but I've been thinking of quitting lately. Smoking, I mean. [He says as he takes a drag.] If I'm in a disaster for too long, I don't like the headache from withdrawal. So, like I said, it's better not to have these kinds of dependencies.
...But your friend - Your little one who you started bringing around. [He points to the bunny, seated in his pocket.] I think that's not a problem. [Somehow he decided it must be for comfort.]
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Soleum wants more than anything to flick his eyes elsewhere, somewhere that isn't ahead at the senior agent, somewhere that doesn't make his heart rate quicken and his brain flood with anxiety. Instead, he doesn't move. He lets him control the conversation as he sees fit, moving on to talk about quitting the habit he's most known for by fans, then to an aspect of Soleum that should be above his notice. His suspicion. ]
He's… a good friend of mine. But he can be a bit of a problem child from time to time, so I'm glad you think so.
[ Though Agent Choi is a bit like that as well. Perhaps they'd get along up to a point.
— Mr. Roe Deer, while I realize we've had our differences, I do believe that is quite backhanded of you to say…
I understand, but please continue enduring.
Another trail smoke pushes past his lips. The butt of his cigarette is starting to shorten. ]
Have you tried anything other than smoking before? I know you wanted to avoid dependencies, but what about using something as a distraction? I hear some people like candy.
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[But only kind of. He's curious, but he still doesn't probe deeper. Choi sucks on the filter as he considers the suggestion of candy - or rather, of finding something else to distract him with.]
Mmm... Candy wouldn't be too different, I think. One reason I don't like smoking anymore is because less people do it now.
[This isn't quite the case. The truth is that Agent Choi takes his smoke breaks by himself for a reason. He uses the excuse that less people smoke, but it's more that he knows no one in Hyunmu 1 does. In the past he had seniors who he would smoke with, he wasn't lying about that. But now, he's the only one, and the silence on the smoker's deck is what he needs sometimes. When the stress gets too stifling, it's a relief to know that area will be empty and waiting for him.]
[But it's lonely, to isolate yourself. He knows it's not how he should handle this. But it's so easy - So simple. The way his pulse will thrum softer, the scent cloaking away everything else...]
[Speaking of isolation.]
We'd better get back, before the food is cold. [He drops the cigarette into a tray on top of the trash can, coughing slightly.] Are you ready to bike a little further? I'll hold onto the bag. Make sure you drink some water, you sweat out your whole supply on the way, Grapes. [More like raisin.]
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But he doesn't know, and he can't. So once the conversation hits a natural lull, his cigarette bud joins the senior agent's, the two sticks left behind in the ash tray seeming to send them off with a wave of the remaining wisps as they head back on their way. The ride's smoother, in no small thanks to the cooling temperatures as night spreads itself across the sky in a thick shroud. Bright streetlights gild their commute back to the bureau, the chime of their bicycle alerting pedestrians that they're coming from behind. The roads are still heavily populated with vehicles but that's how the city is, and it doesn't impede upon their eventual arrival through the gated entryway.
They make a quick stop by Human Resources to drop off the the weathered bike with a different inventory specialist. The other one most have finished his shift.
Inside the elevator headed down to their designated team waiting room, Soleum's leaned up against the side wall, hanging on to the railing. The sweat from the side of his head smudging the reflective surface. His water bottle's almost down to the bottom. At the very least, there's air conditioning. After this, he's heading straight to his locker, hanging up his coat, and catching the next bus ride home.
The elevator dings. The doors sweep open. ]
It was a long day, sir, but I hope you have a good rest of your night, [ he says, slipping off his uniform jacket and folding it over his arm. ] I'll see you tomorrow.
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[Inventory glances at Choi with a questioning look as he shrugs at them while they turn in the bicycle, like, No clue how I ended up with that thing! He'll have to fill out the paperwork for the lost bike before the end of the week, but he's not thinking about it right now. The contaminated items are dropped off and signed for and when they're headed into the waiting room to strip off their jackets and leave the day behind, Soleum already seems well and ready to head home.]
[Which, home for him is interesting, since Choi is aware it isn't a set place at the moment. So what is there to be so excited to return to? He opens the door to the waiting room with a cheery greeting, but inside it's empty. No Bronze. He hangs in the doorway for a moment, surprised, then sees a message on the whiteboard:
Headed home first, see you tomorrow
Good work today. -Bronze
Ahh... He's already gone. [He lets the door close behind Soleum, padding over to his desk slowly.] Hmm, want to finish this with me? I put some beer in the fridge. We're off the clock, should we have a drink?
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Soleum stays close to the door, uncertainty fluttering in his gaze, but his jacket starts to droop lower down his arm and that appears to prompt him to move. He readjusts the sling of it as he pushes inside, drifting nearer to the dry erase board to read Agent Bronze's note for himself. ]
Does that feel like a good idea to you? [ He turns just so that the unsure look he sends Agent Choi can't be missed. ] We may be off-clock, but we're still — here, on the premises.
[ Wasn't there a rule about alcoholic consumption in the handbook? That thing was over a hundred page, and he read all of it from front the back after his admission into the bureau, not wanting to risk termination over a mere break of protocol. ]
Do you and Agent Bronze do that often in the waiting room?
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It's fine, it's fine. I mean, after a few long recovery missions, Bronze and I have tossed a few back, sure...
[He trails off, his mind wandering as he closes the fridge, a beer in each hand. Usually they've both been too exhausted to speak on those days. Ache and exhaustion seated over them, freed from medical check-ups and on their way to normalcy. Seated beside each other in this waiting room, a liminal not-quite-real space. A thought coming every time - Is another call going to come while we just sit here? And then, Surely someone else will take that one.]
...Sometimes, it's what you need. To take a seat in a place you know is secure, somewhere with nothing to trick you.
[Choi sits down on the couch, cracking one beer open. The foam fizzles and the liquid inside bubbles and he takes a slow, gradual sip before sighing and leaning back. A cold beer and hot food in air conditioning - It's definitely a good situation.]
Today wasn't too bad, but - It's a little grounding, being here, isn't it? You feel a little steady, right?
[He invitingly pats the spot beside him. Come on, humor him a little, hubei.]
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The dark outline of his scar quivers along the notches of his throat as he surely empties a quarter of the can into his stomach. He really has done this a number of times, without repercussion, hasn't he? ]
There are a lot of items left behind by others here, [ Soleum says, politely glancing about. Right before their mission into the ocean palace, they had a similar conversation about this place. The haunted painting one of his old teammates brought in. The leftover notes, not just scrawled on the board, but left all over the room: in old case files, stuck to the bottom side of his desk drawers, even etched into the wood of their coffee table. It's a place that's never solely belonged to one person, but seems to have indiscriminately welcomed all sorts of people these past several years.
Back then, he'd called it pleasant, but — yes, Agent Choi is right. It is steadying, knowing it's somewhere that will be here long after Soleum has left.
Finally, he takes the other can left on the table, pinching the tab open. ]
Whenever I come here, it has a warm feeling. It's no wonder you leave a bunch of home goods lying around.
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You don't want to sit?
[C'monnnnn. Relax with your sunbae who you spent all afternoon with. He stares up at him expectantly.]
This place is like a home to us - Bronze feels the same way. [Hence the "home goods." The notes on the board, the beer in the fridge for long days. The blankets in the closet, the silly plastic desk figures they've gotten from grocery stores as free promotional items. But is it because it's all things from other people that Grapes doesn't feel as if it's "his" home, too?]
Even though this is a workplace, it's part of who we are. That's why it feels like home.
[He leans his head back on the sofa, still staring up at him expectantly. The tilt of his head reveals the long length of his scar, jagged and rough.]
Sit with me a bit.
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[ The tug draws his attention off to the side, the greenish veins of his wrist peeking out from where his cuff sleeve has been plucked between his senior's fingers. Fingers that have been stabbed and scraped and nearly severed, now looking no better than a kid's pulling at an adult's compass in order to lead them where they want.
A perplexed knit forms at his brow, listening to him equate home to this windowless room, where a part of their elder still lingers behind a thickset drape. It's not like he disagrees with the sentiment. There's no wonder why they would be attached to this place, to this organization, what they and others before them have been fighting for.
There's a thump as Soleum slides, lands on the couch seat. He gently withdraws his hand from Agent Choi, casting a sidelong look his way. Happy? ]
You should eat some more of the leftover tteokbokki, [ he says, lifting his beer to his mouth with both hands, as if it were a tea cup and not cheap alcohol. ] Since we were saving some, I'm sure didn't have enough.
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Right, right. No use in it going to waste now. Here, you have some, too.
[Now they actually have chopsticks and the food is much cooler, much easier to eat, and washing it down with cold beer helps with the burn from the sauce. He sighs as he sits back and kicks a foot up onto the table.]
I'm going to be tasting this on my tongue all night, now. [He sucks off a bit of sauce from his thumb, glancing at him.] A hot day, and a hot meal... It's best to finish both off with a cold drink and air conditioning. Right?
[He smiles like he made a joke, there, even though there was no punchline, but slowly the smile weakens a little as he looks at Soleum, seems to consider what he's about to say.]
What do you think - Could a place like this be somewhere you feel you belong completely, Grapes?
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Which leaves him with the question, now that some time has passed: What would the rookie of Black Tortoise 1, their Kim Soleum, say?
Scooted to the edge of his seat so that he's able to more conveniently reach the to-go box, it's not hard to avoid Agent Choi's gaze. He takes his time chewing on more rice cake, staring ahead at nothing in particular. ]
What does 'belong completely' mean to you, Agent Choi? Because I'm still not sure yet… I spent a long time at my previous company working toward a goal I wanted to give myself to in that same way, but…
[ Soleum shakes his head, as if to dismiss one of his darker thoughts. ]
I know the bureau and this team aren't a place like that. If possible, I'd like to continue understanding why that is.
[ Let's take on the mask of someone with hope. ]
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[He can't help but chuckle when Soleum shakes his head, at the vague mention of that sham company. He picks up the second to last rice cake, squeezing it between his chopsticks and dragging it through the sauce.]
It's kind of like the boy from today, isn't it?
[He pops the rice cake into his mouth, speaking while eating.]
Many things linger in life because of their attachment to some sentimental object. Like a bicycle - Or even a bouquet, left by a mourner. A lot of things can trigger ghosts and spirits to hang back, and to cling to this world. But they can't take them with them - so all they end up doing is causing pointless pain.
[Small or large, that's their effect. Either through certain death or the annoyance of a lost bike, those supernatural hanger-ons are nothing but nuisances for them. Yet they're all based in sadness.]
When I think about it like that, it makes me appreciate the things I have right now. This space, my team, the faith people have in me... Those are things I can't bring with me when I have to be the one to move on. Even if I want them.
[As a function of this job, he thinks about his death more than most people. Rightly or wrongly, he assumes others like him are the same in that respect.]
...Maybe this is cruel, Soleum-ah, but when you move on, I hope that you remember this room. And me, too.
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For the first time, it hits him: He's so young. And yet the Agent Choi in the stories he read was consumed by a ghost story at this age, with that understanding of life, of his role, what he was willing to accept and make peace with, like it was something he was made for — which he was, he was written for it. Another thought bludgeons Soleum over the back of his head: Whatever transpires when he leaves, whether he escapes to his former employer in shame or hopefully returns to where he should have been all along, he won't know what happens to this person.
The inner linings of his heart run both hot and cold at once. Expanding, compressing. Leaving nothing in-between. ]
Am I a bicycle to you?
[ He hopes Agent Choi ignores it, the tautness squeezed around his voice, and just enjoys his pitiful attempt at a joke.
He needs another drink, so he takes a long one. Looks down at the leftover fizz bubbling in the rim of his can, his thumbnail scratching into the notch. ]
That's… not something you have to worry about. There are a lot of people who will remember you. [ This room, this team. What it was all for, and the torch that's been passed on. ] That ajumma, Agent Bronze-nim, the agents here… No matter where you go, there will be someone who wants to hang on to you. You're that kind of person.
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[But isn't it just like their Grapes, to turn a selfish staement about clinging to life into something that makes Agent Choi seem better than he is? He did say he wanted to be more like him before. Is that what it is to him? Smoking, having people who respect him... That's surely not what he meant then, either, is it?]
[He drops his gaze for a moment, as if abandoning what he was going to ask. Then raises it. Still smiling, but it's still pained, too. A little uneasy, as if he's about to say something kind of embarrassing and even he recognizes it.]
Will you?
[His holds his drink between two fingers and his thumb. There's a long scar right beside his life line on his palm and he remembers making it, himself. Spilling blood to save Bronze from a monstrous beast, drawing its attention toward his scent. The anger in the other agent's eyes when he realized what he was doing. The betrayal, the fury that he would put himself at risk for his sake. But of course he would - he would do anything, at that moment, to make sure Agent Bronze came back with him. And that hand holding Soleum's beer, the one that occasionally shoots Choi a thumbs up as Soleum stares on in unenthused silence - isn't it proof they're so much the same already?]
You'll hang onto me, too, won't you?