[Soleum moves to sit down beside him and Choi smiles, clearly pleased that it took no extra nagging. He releases him without fight and reaches to pick up the closed box from the covered table.]
Right, right. No use in it going to waste now. Here, you have some, too.
[Now they actually have chopsticks and the food is much cooler, much easier to eat, and washing it down with cold beer helps with the burn from the sauce. He sighs as he sits back and kicks a foot up onto the table.]
I'm going to be tasting this on my tongue all night, now. [He sucks off a bit of sauce from his thumb, glancing at him.] A hot day, and a hot meal... It's best to finish both off with a cold drink and air conditioning. Right?
[He smiles like he made a joke, there, even though there was no punchline, but slowly the smile weakens a little as he looks at Soleum, seems to consider what he's about to say.]
What do you think - Could a place like this be somewhere you feel you belong completely, Grapes?
[ In reality, he was afraid this was the direction Agent Choi was steering the conversation. But by staying put for a while longer, not excusing himself when he could, Soleum essentially gave him a free window to ask. After hounding him so long to stay as a permanent addition to the team, it's a given he would want to hear how he's faring… That's the job of his role on the team. Soleum understands that; he just wishes he had something easy to help him evade answering, honestly or dishonestly. It was easier when he could fall back on his initial struggle of trying to transfer out from the team.
Which leaves him with the question, now that some time has passed: What would the rookie of Black Tortoise 1, their Kim Soleum, say?
Scooted to the edge of his seat so that he's able to more conveniently reach the to-go box, it's not hard to avoid Agent Choi's gaze. He takes his time chewing on more rice cake, staring ahead at nothing in particular. ]
What does 'belong completely' mean to you, Agent Choi? Because I'm still not sure yet… I spent a long time at my previous company working toward a goal I wanted to give myself to in that same way, but…
[ Soleum shakes his head, as if to dismiss one of his darker thoughts. ]
I know the bureau and this team aren't a place like that. If possible, I'd like to continue understanding why that is.
[He can't help but chuckle when Soleum shakes his head, at the vague mention of that sham company. He picks up the second to last rice cake, squeezing it between his chopsticks and dragging it through the sauce.]
It's kind of like the boy from today, isn't it?
[He pops the rice cake into his mouth, speaking while eating.]
Many things linger in life because of their attachment to some sentimental object. Like a bicycle - Or even a bouquet, left by a mourner. A lot of things can trigger ghosts and spirits to hang back, and to cling to this world. But they can't take them with them - so all they end up doing is causing pointless pain.
[Small or large, that's their effect. Either through certain death or the annoyance of a lost bike, those supernatural hanger-ons are nothing but nuisances for them. Yet they're all based in sadness.]
When I think about it like that, it makes me appreciate the things I have right now. This space, my team, the faith people have in me... Those are things I can't bring with me when I have to be the one to move on. Even if I want them.
[As a function of this job, he thinks about his death more than most people. Rightly or wrongly, he assumes others like him are the same in that respect.]
...Maybe this is cruel, Soleum-ah, but when you move on, I hope that you remember this room. And me, too.
[ Soleum listens to Agent Choi casually speak about such existential matters like he's already experienced all there is to understand about that far shore, like he personally knows where the sky runs and ends between this place and the untold heaven not even the Dark Exploration Records is familiar with. Without realizing it, his eyes had risen to focus on him through a clearer lens, the dark of his gaze nearly gleaming red from behind his glasses.
For the first time, it hits him: He's so young. And yet the Agent Choi in the stories he read was consumed by a ghost story at this age, with that understanding of life, of his role, what he was willing to accept and make peace with, like it was something he was made for — which he was, he was written for it. Another thought bludgeons Soleum over the back of his head: Whatever transpires when he leaves, whether he escapes to his former employer in shame or hopefully returns to where he should have been all along, he won't know what happens to this person.
The inner linings of his heart run both hot and cold at once. Expanding, compressing. Leaving nothing in-between. ]
Am I a bicycle to you?
[ He hopes Agent Choi ignores it, the tautness squeezed around his voice, and just enjoys his pitiful attempt at a joke.
He needs another drink, so he takes a long one. Looks down at the leftover fizz bubbling in the rim of his can, his thumbnail scratching into the notch. ]
That's… not something you have to worry about. There are a lot of people who will remember you. [ This room, this team. What it was all for, and the torch that's been passed on. ] That ajumma, Agent Bronze-nim, the agents here… No matter where you go, there will be someone who wants to hang on to you. You're that kind of person.
[Choi's smile grows... pained, when Soleum says that. That's not the point, he wants to insist. He doesn't care about other people, if others will mourn him when he's gone, if they'll miss him or think about him. It's not what he was saying at all, but...]
[But isn't it just like their Grapes, to turn a selfish staement about clinging to life into something that makes Agent Choi seem better than he is? He did say he wanted to be more like him before. Is that what it is to him? Smoking, having people who respect him... That's surely not what he meant then, either, is it?]
[He drops his gaze for a moment, as if abandoning what he was going to ask. Then raises it. Still smiling, but it's still pained, too. A little uneasy, as if he's about to say something kind of embarrassing and even he recognizes it.]
Will you?
[His holds his drink between two fingers and his thumb. There's a long scar right beside his life line on his palm and he remembers making it, himself. Spilling blood to save Bronze from a monstrous beast, drawing its attention toward his scent. The anger in the other agent's eyes when he realized what he was doing. The betrayal, the fury that he would put himself at risk for his sake. But of course he would - he would do anything, at that moment, to make sure Agent Bronze came back with him. And that hand holding Soleum's beer, the one that occasionally shoots Choi a thumbs up as Soleum stares on in unenthused silence - isn't it proof they're so much the same already?]
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no subject
Right, right. No use in it going to waste now. Here, you have some, too.
[Now they actually have chopsticks and the food is much cooler, much easier to eat, and washing it down with cold beer helps with the burn from the sauce. He sighs as he sits back and kicks a foot up onto the table.]
I'm going to be tasting this on my tongue all night, now. [He sucks off a bit of sauce from his thumb, glancing at him.] A hot day, and a hot meal... It's best to finish both off with a cold drink and air conditioning. Right?
[He smiles like he made a joke, there, even though there was no punchline, but slowly the smile weakens a little as he looks at Soleum, seems to consider what he's about to say.]
What do you think - Could a place like this be somewhere you feel you belong completely, Grapes?
no subject
Which leaves him with the question, now that some time has passed: What would the rookie of Black Tortoise 1, their Kim Soleum, say?
Scooted to the edge of his seat so that he's able to more conveniently reach the to-go box, it's not hard to avoid Agent Choi's gaze. He takes his time chewing on more rice cake, staring ahead at nothing in particular. ]
What does 'belong completely' mean to you, Agent Choi? Because I'm still not sure yet… I spent a long time at my previous company working toward a goal I wanted to give myself to in that same way, but…
[ Soleum shakes his head, as if to dismiss one of his darker thoughts. ]
I know the bureau and this team aren't a place like that. If possible, I'd like to continue understanding why that is.
[ Let's take on the mask of someone with hope. ]
no subject
[He can't help but chuckle when Soleum shakes his head, at the vague mention of that sham company. He picks up the second to last rice cake, squeezing it between his chopsticks and dragging it through the sauce.]
It's kind of like the boy from today, isn't it?
[He pops the rice cake into his mouth, speaking while eating.]
Many things linger in life because of their attachment to some sentimental object. Like a bicycle - Or even a bouquet, left by a mourner. A lot of things can trigger ghosts and spirits to hang back, and to cling to this world. But they can't take them with them - so all they end up doing is causing pointless pain.
[Small or large, that's their effect. Either through certain death or the annoyance of a lost bike, those supernatural hanger-ons are nothing but nuisances for them. Yet they're all based in sadness.]
When I think about it like that, it makes me appreciate the things I have right now. This space, my team, the faith people have in me... Those are things I can't bring with me when I have to be the one to move on. Even if I want them.
[As a function of this job, he thinks about his death more than most people. Rightly or wrongly, he assumes others like him are the same in that respect.]
...Maybe this is cruel, Soleum-ah, but when you move on, I hope that you remember this room. And me, too.
no subject
For the first time, it hits him: He's so young. And yet the Agent Choi in the stories he read was consumed by a ghost story at this age, with that understanding of life, of his role, what he was willing to accept and make peace with, like it was something he was made for — which he was, he was written for it. Another thought bludgeons Soleum over the back of his head: Whatever transpires when he leaves, whether he escapes to his former employer in shame or hopefully returns to where he should have been all along, he won't know what happens to this person.
The inner linings of his heart run both hot and cold at once. Expanding, compressing. Leaving nothing in-between. ]
Am I a bicycle to you?
[ He hopes Agent Choi ignores it, the tautness squeezed around his voice, and just enjoys his pitiful attempt at a joke.
He needs another drink, so he takes a long one. Looks down at the leftover fizz bubbling in the rim of his can, his thumbnail scratching into the notch. ]
That's… not something you have to worry about. There are a lot of people who will remember you. [ This room, this team. What it was all for, and the torch that's been passed on. ] That ajumma, Agent Bronze-nim, the agents here… No matter where you go, there will be someone who wants to hang on to you. You're that kind of person.
no subject
[But isn't it just like their Grapes, to turn a selfish staement about clinging to life into something that makes Agent Choi seem better than he is? He did say he wanted to be more like him before. Is that what it is to him? Smoking, having people who respect him... That's surely not what he meant then, either, is it?]
[He drops his gaze for a moment, as if abandoning what he was going to ask. Then raises it. Still smiling, but it's still pained, too. A little uneasy, as if he's about to say something kind of embarrassing and even he recognizes it.]
Will you?
[His holds his drink between two fingers and his thumb. There's a long scar right beside his life line on his palm and he remembers making it, himself. Spilling blood to save Bronze from a monstrous beast, drawing its attention toward his scent. The anger in the other agent's eyes when he realized what he was doing. The betrayal, the fury that he would put himself at risk for his sake. But of course he would - he would do anything, at that moment, to make sure Agent Bronze came back with him. And that hand holding Soleum's beer, the one that occasionally shoots Choi a thumbs up as Soleum stares on in unenthused silence - isn't it proof they're so much the same already?]
You'll hang onto me, too, won't you?