windfall | what i desire most, what i fear most

[He shouldn't feel guilty. Denji knows this is important to him, and he knows the sacrifices Aki has made to make sure this all happens exactly how he wants it to. Weekend jobs, posing as an adult to get more hours, maintaining a perfect track record so nothing will come up during his interviews with Public Safety... All while making sure Denji and Power have a full dinner every night and a roof over their heads. He shouldn't feel guilty about asking Denji to actually study and try hard to make sure it doesn't drag Aki backward. Their situation isn't unique, not in a world with people dying from devils every day. But...]

I'm just kidding about making you live out here alone

[...But if he had to delay everything for either of them, he would.]

Just ask me for help instead of making it harder on yourself. I know you don't want to sit around doing math problem sets all weekend.

[ you were just joking? you mean it? you realy really really mean it?? is what he types at first, needing reassurance, wanting to hear it straight from the source. But before he presses send, Denji pauses. Breathes in. Out. Then, furiously backspaces. Aki wouldn't lie to him; he's always made plans with Denji and Power in tow. The three of them have been a set unit for longer than he cares to remember, and he has faith that wherever Aki goes, however Aki changes and grows up out of Denji's sight, they'll be together. He does.

He taps call, anyway. ]

[If he knows Denji, he knows he's calling to ask him to repeat that out loud, to say what he wants to hear one more time so he knows he really means it. He's such a needy kid. Aki stares down at the call screen and sighs heavily before answering.]

Denji. [He sounds tired. Vaguely annoyed.] I'm not going to leave you to do math here for two more years while Power and I go to Tokyo.

[ Aki knows Denji very well. That's absolutely why he called. ]

I'm not calling 'cause of that! [ A bicycle bell trills, and Denji waves a hand at Power, motioning for her to move aside to let the cyclist wheel by without accident. ] I'm not dumb. [ He is, though, in various ways. This is one of them. ] Obviously, you were joking! Ha ha ha, funny! I just, I wanted to know —

[ A long whuff of air comes from his nose. ]

…Are you coming home late again?

[Aki frowns. He stares down at the student council documents in front of him. Mostly devil reports from near their school.]

I thought we talked about this. [Did he forget to mention it this morning...? Their mornings are such a blur lately, he doesn't know.] Not as late as last night. I'm helping out the student council again, but it shouldn't take as long. I already chopped everything up, you just have to melt the roux and cook it for a bit. [They've had curry a lot lately but it's just easy to prep for and have Denji make when he gets home.] You remember how much water to add this time, right?

[ It's hard to catch. Would probably be more noticeable if Aki could see the scrunch iron out from Denji's brow, expression easing into something more neutral, maybe even slightly disappointed judging by how his voice drops an octave lower. ]

Oh. Nope.

[ He could probably figure it out on his own, though. He'd added too much last time, making the mixture all watery and bland, so… ]

Less is more, right? Piece of cake.

[When Denji doesn't talk much, Aki can tell he's not in a good mood. He frowns down at the papers, tapping his fingers on the surface.]

Just do a cup. If you need to add more, you can - but start with a cup.

[Ugh, it's so annoying. Denji's supposed to be in trouble! He's not supposed to baby him. He should be telling him he doesn't get dinner or something. Aki taps a little faster, frowning.]

And I meant it, about Meowy's travel crate.

[ A cup, he files away. Simple enough. It's just water. Although there's a devilish bug in his ear asking him if it has to be water or if they can experiment with something that tastes better. Like soda or chocolate milk. He'll confer with Power later.

As for the threat Aki keeps hanging over his head. ]

Whatever! You can try all you want, s'not like I'll actually fit. I'm almost as tall as you now.

[ Denji swears all he needs is another year or so, then boom. ]

…But fine, I'll crack open my practice book, so… Uh… [ Can he ask him to come home sooner? No, right? The volunteer stuff he does for the student council sounds important, or at least he always makes it out to be. ] I'm hanging up now.

You are, are you.

[Aki sounds a little wryly amused at that. Denji's probably not going to reach him in height, which is fine by Aki. The day he actually has to look up at him is the day he cuts him at the ankles.]

Alright. And - You can leave the dishes in the sink and I'll clean them, but at least put soap on them when you have them soak. And don't let Power have the soda in the fridge, that's for the weekend. [He pauses, trying to think if there's anything else, then decides there isn't.] ...I'll see you tonight. Be safe getting home.

Okay. [ Pause. ] Okay. [ Pause. ] Yeah, okay. [ …is what Denji answers with at any interval he can between Aki's instructions. Having noticed his distraction, Power uses the shoulder nearest to where he's speaking into the receiver as a chinrest, her jaw rolling back and forth, kneading painfully into the tendon. "Oi, oi, Denji, share my greetings and farewells with the likes of that topknot human! The Miraculous Blood Lapis Power demands it!" ]

Owww! [ Denji presses his entire full-sized hand against her face, shoving back. ] Stop that, Powy — and shut up, I told you that name was dumb! Your taste in anime is lame as hell.

[ An aggravated sigh. Then, back to Aki: ] Power says hi. And bye. [ He sucks on his upper lip, gnawing a little, before he finishes off with a — ] You too. [ — be safe, before ending the call.

The two of them mosey back to their apartment, which is probably some form of subsidized housing granted to them through lottery or whatever hoops Aki had to jump through. They make dinner, one plate using a single cup of soda (just one cup, the rest of the can placed back into the fridge) and the other plate with a cup of water (as was the proper way). Through a game of jan-ken-pon, the two of them decide who gets which and, perhaps as expected, Denji loses. He plugs the drain to the sink, and in the dishes go. He squirts the dish soap in the drawing of a happy face that quickly dissolves underwater, but Aki might still see the outline of it when he gets home.

Aki might also see Denji snoring face-first into his practice book at the table. He tried, okay? ]

[Aki listens to the two of them bicker, muttering his own hello to Power (he never calls her by those names, it was hard enough getting places to even accept Power) before finally hanging up. He sets his phone down and stares at it for a second, thinking.]

[Then finally shakes his head and pushes it away, turning his attention back to the student council paperwork. They'll be fine. He'll make sure he can go home with them tomorrow.]

[When he finally turns in the documents, there's hardly anyone left in the school but a few teachers. Aki heads home, exhausted, letting his head tilt on the train without fully falling asleep, and when he comes into the apartment and it miraculosuly doesn't smell like something burned, he's relieved. Though... There is some weird smell. He's not sure what it is. Kind of a sweet smell...? Nothing is on fire and he actually put soap in the water this time so Aki doesn't question it, tugging off his uniform jacket and dropping it with his bookbag in the bedroom. Power is playing with Meowy on the floor, cooing something or other about world domination and tax hikes. Normal, thankfully.]

[He'll let Denji sleep for a bit. First, dinner, which he heats up on the stove while downing most of the rice. One of the teachers warned him he might not qualify for the weight class to get into Public Safety so he's been trying to eat more. Not easy when Denji eats twice as much as him and still manages to look thinner every day. He sits down with his plate at the table across from him and reaches across to hit him on the head with his spoon.]

Tell me what unit you're on.

Hrk…!

[ Flinching awake with a snort, his head jerks, pulling up one of the pages with him. It clings to his cheek by a wrinkly imprint of drool that'd gathered there as he slept. A moment later, he brushes the sheet off. Glances down at his fingers, no ink, that's good, less embarrassing that way, then pinches at both his inner corners to clear away the last crumbs of sleep from his eyes.

When did he…? Is it already that late? ]

Welcome home. [ He says first, rubbing the spot Aki bopped him, staring down vacantly at the set of assigned problems. He still doesn't look all there. ] Dick.

[ Better. Normal. ]

And, um… I'm stuck on the stuff that's like a graph and lines and I gotta find the points, or something.

[When the paper sticks to Denji's face, he can see the problems and make out what he's working on. He mixes his curry together while he resettles and nods at the explanation. He gets it.]

[He's pretty good at getting through to Denji. Explaining things at a level that he can understand. Power wanders out to join them at some point and laugh at Denji's misfortune but she's useful in that they play against one another well. Aki can quiz them both or bet them on who can figure out a solution the fastest. Power isn't a genius (not by any stretch) but she seems to pick up on things once Aki forces her to think instead of barking out the first thing that comes to mind. And while they scribble out solutions he can eat his dinner. It all works out.]

[He only forces it on them for an hour or so until he calls it for the night, sending them off to bathe while he cleans up. Does the dishes, wipes down the table, sticks Denji's books back in his bag... Removes all the trash from said bag and throws away. Spreads the beds out despite Meowy's attempts to lay on one the moment he rolls it out. This apartment is so small, he mentally complains for the thousandth time.]

[He waits for Denji to come out of the bathroom to call him over. Tells him to sit down while he sits across from him. Usually this is a set-up to scold him. But he has a different mission this time.]

I'm planning my trip again, up north. [He's taken them for the past few years. At first because he didn't trust them alone, now just for the company.] But you're old enough now. You should think about making your own trip. Back to your family's grave. We can save up for it - Yours is on the way, too.

[ Power swiftly occupies the bathroom with an impatient harumph as Denji rounds his way out, humming a jaunty tune and shaking the wet mop he calls hair like a dog tossing its fur; in other words, he splatters water all over the place. Which is good, because that signifies he's a little more invigorated after the bath, and after spending time doing his coursework with Aki and Power, too, that was fun, even if it was technically work — reminded him of how they'd gather around Aki at bedtime as he read them some silly picture book as kids. They haven't done that in a while. But the second Aki beckons him over, tells him about his upcoming plans, the song at his lips goes dead.

Suddenly, the compulsion to simply slip under the covers and go to sleep again is stronger than ever. In fact, he kind of does do that, Denji opening the flap to his bed to scoot inside and keep his legs warm. May as well get comfortable if he's gonna have a conversation he doesn't want to. ]

So that's your big plan?

[ For what it's worth, he's sitting upright at least through this. That should count as a win for Aki, in spite of the way he plainly appears disinterested in the topic, picking his pinky through his ear, digging out some earwax and flicking it somewhere. ]

Pass. We should save for something better — hey, here's an idea, whatta 'bout an all-day admission ticket to an amusement park? Something to liven us up after we finish eating at the cemetery? We always do the same ol' thing. Let's do fun stuff for once!

[Aki didn't expect an easy conversation about this considering how little Denji ever discusses his past - much less his family. All he knows is that his father had a lot of debts. But this reaction... It's not like it's unlike him, but Aki still looks a litle upset at the response.]

Fun stuff? [He repeats it with a clear disdain, frowning across at him.] I'm not talking about doing fun stuff. This isn't a vacation. [Even though Denji and Power treat it like one every year. And more than that - ] And you're not supposed to be eating during a visit, you're supposed to pray.

[...He forces himself to settle back. Every year he tries to keep them from eating all the offerings and every year he fails.]

You're in high school now - You should think about doing this. Seeing your parents' graves. You said your father has one, right? [He vaguely remembers that being mentioned once or twice.] It's important to pay your respects. You could - I don't know, you might feel better afterward.

Oh, yeah…? Is that how you feel every time we visit your family's grave? Better?

[ It's a ballsy question, could even be hurtful from someone meaning to cut with it. From Denji, though, it's mildly put, unmuddied by any hint of accusation or bitterness.

Because he's really not trying to spin this on him or be difficult. Rather, he wants to make this very, very easy — by not going. It's a big year for Aki, lots of new changes in store for him as he readies for the physical and practical examination, graduates, has the rest of his life to look forward to as a big damn adult. There's no need to be reflecting back on the past, let alone Denji's. He starts to slink further under the recesses of the blanket, laying down on his back to stare at the ceiling. ]

You should think about taking a vacation before you become even more of an old coot! Let's do karaoke, go to the beach, get girlfriends…

[ Speaking of. ]

I know ya got mad at me for takin' a peek at that letter you got this morning, but you should just go for it. Live a little, y'know?

[The vein on Aki's forehead pops at the words, his lips drawing thin. It's not the point, he wants to say. To feel better, or to check it off a list. The point is respect. And Denji should be respectful of the people in his life who have died.]

[...But he knows he isn't trying to insult him over this. Denji lays down and Aki sighs quietly. So much for that. He's not trying to be an old coot (despite every adult in his life telling him to stop and smell the roses) but surely Denji understands what he's getting at, right...? And then he has the nerve to bring up that stupid letter. He knew he should have just dumped it in the burnables trash but... Well, it seemed like they put a lot of effort into the confession.]

Denji...

[He shifts onto his knees and moves to lean over him, staring down at him where he's covered up in the blankets. He knows when he's trying to avoid a conversation topic and it always takes a lot of effort not to trip in his pitfalls.]

Things will be easier starting next year. [It's a white lie. He doesn't know if things will be better or worse in Tokyo. If the pay really is that good. If he can even survive long enough to get his first paycheck.] I don't want you to look back and regret not doing something like this. [He pauses, eyes briefly flitting to the bathroom door, but it's still closed. He could actually use her back-up around now.] We'll both be there with you, you know.

[ Lie or truth, Denji's the very definition of gullible. The platitudes nearly work on him, especially whilst loomed over, Aki blocking his view of anything else and forcing Denji into tiredly resting his attention on him. Into placing his trust on the solemn set of his eyes, the same ones that filled with tears what feels like a lifetime ago, when he got lost on a field trip their caregivers took them on to the city once. When they found him, licking brown stains from his fingers over a half-eaten box of specialty chocolates in a souvenir shop, he'd smacked him. And then dragged him straight to the register to pay for the box with his own saved money.

He's always looked out for him. Could always look straight through him, too. It's so annoying. ]

I…

[ He can feel his resistance flagging in the face of the pressure being applied on him, his mouth curving into a deep frown as he blinks away. But then he hears, We'll both be there with you, you know, and he thinks — he thinks he's heard that before. Where has he heard that before? And why does it make his neck feel damp from more than just the condensation dripping from his still-drying hair?

Denji's expression shutters, something deep inside him slamming closed. Locking. ]

I said no! [ He pushes up, throwing his shoulder like a barrier keeping Aki at a distance, and twists inside the blankets, so that he has his back facing toward him. ] I don't want you both there — I don't wanna be there! So shove off.

[Aki shifts off of him quickly when Denji lurches up to shove him back, flipping over and snapping that at him. He stares at him in open shock - grateful for the turn of his back so that Denji can't see how embarrassing that must be to see. What the hell just happened? Why did that make him so upset?]

Why not? [Aki is incredulous at the idea. Why would you not want to visit your home again? Pay your respects? Sure, their situations are different, with the way Denji's father died, but... But it can't be that different, can it?]

Look - [He reaches to grab him by the shoulder and attempt to roll him over.] You should care about this stuff. That's your family, you know. You're supposed to pay your respects! You'll be an adult soon, this kind of stuff is what adults do! [That sounds childish, even to his own ears, but he hopes he'll think it makes it sound more important.] If you think it's scary, that's why us two will be there with you!

[ Ignoring the jostling at his shoulder, Denji heaps the blankets over his head, curling inward as tight as he can, his legs bunny kicking out at Aki. Noticeably targeted for his crotch because even when he isn't looking at him, his aim is impeccable. ]

Go away! Leave me alone! Stupid, dummy, shithead!

[ His heart is as loud as the percussion of pots and pans in his ears. Not even Denji knows why he's reacting so viscerally like this, why the idea manifests in a full-bodied rejection. ]

I'm not… I'm not gonna be an adult. [ It's a truer statement than he realizes in the moment he says it to Aki. Not just a refusal of the responsibilities that come with growing up, but a rare acknowledgement of his own limitations — that the milestone isn't his to have. Some people just don't get things in life, and some people just don't get long lives at all. That was true for both his parents. And every morning when he coughs up blood and buries the dirty tissues deep, deep inside the waste basket, he knows it's true for him, too. ] So I don't gotta do adult things! You can go on your stupid prayer trip, I don't care! So long! Hasta la vista!

[He very nearly nails Aki in the crotch but by this point Aki is used to his aim. He squishes his legs together as he feels him start to kick and pulls away before he can do more damage, opening his mouth to rebut all his stupid insults before he continues.]

[He knows he's upset, just venting at Aki and saying things he must not believe. But the wording hurts way too much. He still remembers the last time he found Denji curled over hacking up large globs of blood onto the bathroom floor. Sure, it hasn't happened since then (that he knows of), but it scared the shit out of him. And sure, he's stick thin and one of the school nurses suggested he might have a sort of anemia because of how he got so dizzy one day, but - But it's not that serious, he quickly tells himself. Denji doesn't mean that. He's just being stupid. Trying to rebut anything Aki says to refuse this. Maybe he really is scared to go back there, to open that wound again. Maybe he doesn't want to go on the trip at all this year. Maybe he's still upset about what Aki said this afternoon about leaving him here while he and Power went to Tokyo.]

[But his chest hurts. Because he keeps thinking of his real brother. The one who should have gotten to be an adult, and his own actions that prevented that.]

Fine.

[He stands up and heads for the door. He'll wait for Power to finish her bath. He doesn't need Denji to see how red is face is right now. Let him throw a tantrum. See if he cares.]

[ When Aki disengages from his fit, going suspiciously quiet, Denji stops his flailing, peeking part of his face out from beneath the covers and catching his back as it disappears out the door. The middle of his brow twitches into a fine crease. ]

Hey, where are you —

[ Click, says the latch mechanism to him, cutting his question off. His blanket sifts, falling completely from him as he returns to an upright position, staring hard at the closed door — hoping a little that the handle might turn and Aki will come back. Come to his senses. Apologize for being a jerk. But it doesn't, the door stays closed like so many others in his life. Denji deflates, his neck bent forward and eyes fixed on his fists, slowly curling into the blankets. He doesn't think he's in the wrong for not wanting to go, nor for wanting to enjoy being a regular teenager while he still has the breath to be one. Aki's the person who's nuts here. Trying so hard to grow up, to leave their normal life behind, and for what? For who? ]

Fine.

[ A minute passes. Then, he hears a door open. With an immediacy typically reserved for pet dogs waiting for their owner to come home, his head perks up —

"Magical, and Miraculous, and Blood Lapis —" Power sings, hair artfully twisted into a towel, as she marches out from the bathroom, swishing a finger through the air like a conductor who has never experienced a single class of music theory. Her steps end abruptly, though, the second she catches sight of the rumpled blankets and the crookedness of their beds. "— Ohhh?! What insolence! You two wrestled without me!"

And then she dumps herself straight into his lap, not caring a smidgen about potentially hurting him or getting hurt from the suddenness of her landing. Denji makes a quiet oof sound, his arms automatically drawing up under her head so that she doesn't, like, knock her skull against the ground. Or his kneecaps. Before she can get any wild ideas, he exasperatedly tells her — well, complains to her — about how annoying Aki was, about the trip, about how he would rather go somewhere fun, and really, doesn't she agree with him on that? Shouldn't it be a vote? Isn't that how democracy works?

"Hm… I don't believe in democracy!" Power grins, cheek smushing up against the indent of one of his feet. "'Tis the destiny of the human species to live pitifully and under the iron fist of superior beings, like myself. If I had it my way, we would embark for one of the fine butcheries I own! Or a McDonald's! I also own those!"

Denji likes McDonald's. He wishes Power were in charge of this trip thing instead of Aki.

"Denji." Her fingers pincer at his cheek, pulling and squishing it. "You should tell Topknot why —" But I don't even know why, Denji tells her. "Then you should say that! Keep flapping your meat mouths until there's nothing left to say!" she tuts. "You lot are so pathetic. Can't do anything without guidance."

Which is how Denji finds himself getting dragged from bed by a cheery Power and shoved out the door with a stumble. Ugh, where the hell even is Aki out here? ]

[Their discussion seems to last just long enough for Aki to clean up and wash off, pulling his pajamas on as he dries his hair with the door open. He hears the commotion and assumes they're tussling and is privately glad that it means Denji might be snapping out of whatever it is that got him so upset, but instead the door opens and he sees Power shove him out into the hallway across from the bathroom. He stares at him from the doorway, towel still over his head, and slowly pulls it off.]

What? [Then, residual annoyance creeping in, he makes a guess.] She can't kick us out again, don't let her say there are boy-cooties on you. [The amount of times she's tried to keep the bedroom area to herself and Meowy is uncountable. Aki actually threatened to take her to the library to prove there's no such thing as cooties because the debates were so grating.]

[ Coming face-to-face with him so soon — this is awkward. He's not sure what to say to him after their last conversation imploded in on itself… It's not like either of them are gonna change their stances in a single hour. He faces away from Aki, reaching for the door. ]

What? She's not kicking us out…

[ A twist of the bedroom lock can be heard behind Denji, just as his hands touch the handle. Thanks, Power. ]

She kicked us out. [ …Well. Pointedly not making eye contact with Aki, he sighs, brushing past him to pad into the kitchen. She'll have to let them back in eventually, yeah? May as well rifle through the fridge until then. There's still that half-finished can of soda in there, so he'll help himself to that. ]

[Great. He's not going to try and guess the secret word. Aki watches Denji pass him into the kitchen and go into the fridge and...]

Don't drink that. You need to go to bed. [A sugary drink before bed is definitely not good for him. Aki steps out of the bathroom to stand in the path to the kitchen, watching him. Still silently annoyed. Why is he pretending like nothing happened ten minutes ago?]

Have you calmed down now? [He's never been someone who can just sit on a topic where he feels he's in the right. Denji should apologize to him, so he stares at him expectantly.]

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject