windfall | what i desire most, what i fear most

[Aki has just a minute or so to prepare himself to be tackled so he's thankfully more prepared than usual when Denji comes crashing in, but Pochita's leap into him isn't as expected. He startles, flat on his back as Denji rubs into him and watches as Pochita moves around looking for a spot to lay down. Immediately Aki jerks his head at him - right now, he doesn't want anything to get between him and Denji. If he stops breathing in the middle of the night or starts coughing or chokes or - anything, he wants to feel it the moment it happens.]

Nice...? [He watches as Pochita moves on the other side of Denji, a little huff coming from his nose as he adjusts himself over there. Aki rolls onto his side and pulls the blankets and covers over them both.] You went through a lot today.

[You know, almost passing out, the devil hunters who came here, and... the devil itself. And the dead student. Enough that he started talking like Aki was going to get hurt or die. He sighs, brushing his hand through Denji's hair and trying to tame the parts that keep sticking up.]

...Or are you trying to say I'm not always nice, or something. [He sounds deadpan as he says it, but it's mostly a joke; Aki knows the truth. He's not exactly the nicest person in the world. Just because he knows how to use keigo and bows with his hands properly at his side doesn't mean he doesn't have a rougher edge to him. He just shoved a dog away, after all.]

[ Was it a lot? Well, if it's the reason why Aki's letting him curl up next to him like a dog warming itself by a furnace, he's not out to argue against the assertion. But after a fairly thorough bath, gobbling up some tasty food, and a little fort-making R&R, Denji is far from the half-dazed skeleton he was earlier. ]

I mean, you're nice-ish sometimes. That's why girls like you. But, like, some other times you say not so nice stuff. Like how you told me to go back, that was kinda harsh. It's not like I — mmmm. [ The combing riles up a pleased sound that's both sigh and hum, his eyes closing, briefly, as he savors the sensation. Aki isn't playing with his hair, but that's what it feels like, and so what choice does he have but to nudge his head into his fingertips, trying to spur him to continue. ] …I don't really wanna get babied by you.

[ The irony of saying that while every one his movements and gestures right now is begging Aki to spoil him isn't lost on Denji. And yet he makes zero attempt to extricate himself from his position. His hands relocate to behind Aki's back, fastening in a more proper hug. ]

But I get it. I know that I wouldn't be able to do a lot of things without you… I know that. I just wish things were different, that I could get better and stronger and do more stuff for you, too… So, um, yeah. I'll try to apply for that one job you mentioned before. Maybe it'll help me build muscle.

[He doesn't want to be babied by him but he's rubbing into his hand like a puppy encouraging him to pet him in just the right way. For once, however, Aki doesn't call him on this, just continues stroking his hair, given up on trying to get it to stay flat and just repeating the gesture over the same spot where he seems to like it the most.]

I'll be there with you. [The logging job, he means. He wouldn't really trust him to do that kind of work by himself.] Not everyone has to be strong. There are things you can do that I can't.

[Silly things, but important things. Like understand what Power is asking for when she gets too lost in her words. Or moments of problem solving that Aki would have brute forced his way through but Denji was able to find a way around that made everyone happy in the end. Or making a contract with a devil in the middle of the night.]

[...Man, he still wishes he hadn't. Aki wraps his arm around him and squeezes him in close briefly, like he can somehow suck all the badness out of him. All the stupid decisions he's made, the problemsolving that led him to wave a match over oil vapors. The weakness. The sickness. If he could pull all those bits out of him, he would. But it's never been that easy and never will be.]

If you get mad at me... [For a moment he trails off and doesn't continue. Because he doesn't actually want to offer this. He doesn't want to give Denji some kind of get-out-of-jail-free card. Something he can slap in Aki's face when he's being stubborn about something. At last, he sighs.] If you get mad at me, at least tell me to my face. Don't run away anymore. I hate having to chase you.

[ The closeness and Aki's well-meaning intentions work in conjunction to help downplay the sting that comes from being told, not that he can be strong one day, but that he doesn't have to be. It doesn't even show on his face; Denji wears an expression as clear and guileless as porcelain, a steady push of air flowing through his nose, dispersing against his brother's neck. He may not be able to think of what exactly he's able to do that Aki can't do better, but…

Come to think of it. If he were strong, he wouldn't be able to get away with being comforted like this, right? Pretending that he dislikes lying flush and toasty beside Aki, watching his lashes fan against his upper cheeks each time he blinks. ]

…I know. [ His hand runs up along Aki's wrist where he's grabbing him, feeling for his pulse. It's so much louder and steadier than his. ] I hate running from you.

[ He never makes it far enough, anyway. The exertion as punishing for him as it is for his brother. ]

You're the last person I wanna…

[ The words defuse soundlessly, something he hopes Aki takes as him being too tired to keep his train of thought. It's half-true, at least. His eyes close, for a moment. Then: ] Whaddaya think next year will be like?

[He hates it yet he does it too often. It's so frustrating. Denji's never been good at understanding cause and effect, always doing things without thinking of how they turn out, but when he throws a tantrum and runs off somewhere, doesn't he know he's not the only one who suffers?]

[...But Aki settles without saying anything like that. He lets his hand rest while Denji holds his wrist, thumb pressed into the veins below his palm. Next year...]

It'll be a lot better. [He closes his eyes, slipping his hand down and through Denji's fingers to grasp them together instead.] Things are better in the city. In Tokyo. I'll be an adult, so there won't be any problem with us getting split up, or needing to rely on the government for housing... I'll be able to deal with it all, myself. [Working for Public Safety is as assured as graduation, in his eyes.] I bet you and Power will have your own rooms... And go to restaurants more, too... [He trails off, his mind going back to that devil. How strong it had been, to lift a boy nearly his size and hurl him into Aki. How that boy could have been him. How he could have walked back to the house with Taiyou.]

I think... that you'll have to study harder. [He sighs into his hair, pressing his nose into the top of his head.] And I won't be around as much to help you with that. [Again he goes silent for a moment.] But eveything else will be ten times better than things are now. So it'll fall into place.

[ Yes, he does it too often. Even now, he's running away, with his face fiercely tucked inside Aki's neck, feeling the words move through his throat before they even make it to his ears. Almost like he's cowering from their existence, the future only Aki can see taking shape. It's not a bad one, he likes restaurants, he likes the idea of having his own space to kick his feet back and invite girls over.

All the same, he just can't fully wrap his head around it. Aki says it's a life where no one will be actively trying to split them up, so why does it feel like that's what's happening, anyway? ]

…But it's not always gonna be like that, right? When you're an adult. You not being around as much. It'll just be until… [ Until what. Until Aki hunts down the Gun Devil and takes it out? Until they graduate? Or, hey, maybe until he dies somewhere in some hospital ward? ]

I dunno. I guess, I mean, if I make it. Like, if I become an adult, too… Will things go back to how they were?

[ It's such a naive question. So stupid. He knows what Aki's going to say, but can't stop the fingers interlaced with his from curling, prickling into his knuckles, trying to force inertia into a person who always looks as though he's trapped in rapid motion. Headed somewhere far away. ]

[Even right now, when he's trying to be at his most positive, his most hopeful... He almost wants to shake Denji. Why is it, right when he's trying to do something for him, he turns it on its head? He suggested they visit his family's graves - he ran away from home and contracted with a devil. He urged him to go back to the apartment, stay safe, stay inside - he ran out and attacked the devil head-on right in front of him. Now this. Bringing up his own death. Aki grits his teeth tight.]

If you become an adult...?

[Tactless. He's heard it himself, from various doctors. Incurable. Genetic disposition. Proper diet. Frequent check-ups. Likelihood of reaching adulthood. He's heard it all. Learned those words like kids who watch medical dramas from the doorway of the living room when they should be in bed. But he's always been adamant about this. They're doing all the right things - keeping Denji on a good diet, keeping him from stressing himself too much, doing those breathing exercises. And he's doing the right things, too. In six months, he'll be working for public safety. He'll take him to a really good doctor in Tokyo. He'll get him on some kind of medication. It'll be fine after that.]

[He's squeezing his hand hard, tenfold as tight as Denji's fingers in his knuckles. Aki realizes it and loosens his grasp but doesn't let go, sitting up instead so he can look down at him. He's not letting Denji hide while he says this.]

Nothing's going to happen to you. [Fiercely, angrily. Believably, to his own ears.] You're gonna study a lot and graduate and then get a stupid job doing really boring stuff, and you and me and Power will come home from work every day tired and eat dinner together and watch TV. And it'll be just like this.

[ Denji can't look away. How can he when Aki is so possessed with conviction. With denial. To a certain extent, it scares him, seeing his eyes this bright and flaming like this — that's what his racing pulse means, probably. The heat crawling up his neck. That Denji's afraid of what might happen to the light in Aki's eyes if the throbbing in his wrist were to slow, drop, go eerily silent.

…What's scarier is that he thinks it might make him kind of happy to know it'd break Aki. Just a little. ]

Just like this.

[ He echoes, tonelessly. A concession. A dog thrown on its back, pinned — up until he forces himself up, pushing back weakly at Aki, like he'd been waiting for Aki's grip to slacken, so that he could take him by surprise. A drop of delusion glints in his gaze, his own selfish insistence. ]

Just us. [ If Aki's going to make impossible demands, project his own version of life on him, then Denji can, too. ] No one else. I don't care if you find other friends, or start dating, or have a dumb devil you wanna catch. At the end of the day, you have to come back home and choose us.

[ That's the only reason, the only way he can agree to try living past his expiration date. ]

[Denji is suddenly close, sitting up right in front of him, that sort of look in his eyes that Aki... he's never really liked. It's like he goes into his shell a little, gets defensive about everything. Says what his id is thinking with no room for any other voices. If he wasn't such a pitiful looking person, he could be persuasive. But Aki's even more duped thanks to that pitiful-looking exterior. It would be like denying food to a begging dog with its ribs showing. Of course he'd give up his whole dinner to someone like that.]

Yeah.

[He nods, almost delayed in his answer. Not from hesitation, though. It's an easy answer to give. He honestly believes it.]

I'm always going to come home.

[His lips press together, pulling tight for a moment.]

Even if I'm going to get laid.

[ Initially, there's nothing. Denji holding Aki's gaze as tightly as he plans to hold him to his word. From the beginning, there's always been three. Three pairs of shoes in disarray out in the entryway. Three seat cushions at the table. Three toothbrushes leaning in the cup. They have pets and he likes the idea of dating, but that's not the same as watching someone take up more residence in the priorities of the people he holds dear to him.

Denji only has so much time. Why should he share? ]

[ But then, like the first drop of rain hitting someone's face, that thing Aki says at the end fractures his focus. Denji blinks at him. ]

…Uh, what? You're not getting laid. [ He looks at him weirdly. ] Not before I do.

[ As if that's the most obvious thing. Why would Aki even mention that? He always thought… he never cared about that sort of thing, seeing how often he dodges the topic of girls with him all the time. ]

[...Wait, what?]

You think I'm never going to get laid?

[What the hell. He'd said it to try and lighten the mood, but leave it to Denji to look at him like he's insane for merely bringing up the idea that he might, someday, actually have sex. Is it that unusual an idea to him? Just because he has better things to do now than date someone who he won't see again in six months doesn't mean after those six months are up he has to remain celibate. Hell, how does Denji even know he hasn't had sex yet?]

[...Probably because he would have told him. Not on purpose, or anything. But it would have come out by now.]

Once we're in Tokyo, it's not like I'm going to be doing homework and training all day and night anymore. I figured you'd prefer that...

Not — never! [ A flux of emotions warp in and out of the twist in his brow, the draw of his mouth. ] I mean! I don't care! I don't wanna think about you goin' to town on anyone.

[ God, he doesn't even know why he's so scandalized about it. Didn't he suggest to him, like, a week or so ago that he should get a girlfriend? Do something normal teenagers do. Sex, being one of them… But that hadn't occurred to him back then, for some reason. ]

I guess it's weird.

[ Weird, like how suddenly holding Aki's hand feels to him now. Being close. He'd probably have stop sleeping in his bed when they move to Tokyo… ]

'cause, like, I didn't even know you wanted to get laid. I've never heard you jack off, ever.

[For a second, Aki looks completely taken aback.]

[Denji... The kid who hides porn under the bathroom sink, who he has walked in on jacking off more times than he can count, who constantly fantasizes openly about the best breast size to shove your face in... He's never considered that Aki is a warm-blooded male who might do those things as well??]

...That's good.

[At first that's all he can say. That at least Denji has never heard him masturbating.]

...Do you think I like hearing you talk about "going to town" on girls? That's almost fifty percent of what you talk about.

[He looks almost aghast at this. Does he think that was all one-sided? That he's the only one who ever thinks about it...? Sure, Aki tells him to shut up and groans when he brings it up too often, but...]

Nuh-uh, it's more like almost sixty percent.

[ Denji did well on his math midterm (retake). He knows these things now. ]

And isn't that stuff just — you know, like when people talk about their favorite songs or the new multiplayer game that's out? It's normal.

[ His frame of reference really can't be trust for this. When Denji isn't fooling around with Power, it's pretty noticeable that he hasn't connected long-term with his classmates, especially since he'll be moving next year, anyway. And the ones he does somewhat get along with are a bumbling slacker sort who similarly enjoy comparing notes on who the prettiest girls in their year are, who wears the shortest skirts, and so on. ]

…Besides I haven't actually done any "going to town" on a girl yet. [ That's the main difference here. When he talks about all that, it's like — fantasy. Something out of his reach, being who he is. His arms cross. ] Seriously, you haven't? Like, no kissing or anything? You better not hide that sorta thing from me.

Of course I haven't.

[He sounds annoyed just admitting that. Because it's not like he doesn't want to. But it's just not possible. There's no time for that kind of thing. He's too busy after school and there's no time during school, obviously, so what does that leave him? ...Even when they moved in here and finally had a home to themselves, Aki wondered if he would bring someone here at some point. Like bringing your girlfriend to meet your parents. Except then he'd think about introducing anyone to Denji and Power and the thought would vanish from his mind.]

Just - Of course it's something I want to do. And all the other stuff that you do as an adult. [Or like, he guesses. Get married, have kids, or whatever. That stuff, he really doesn't care much about. It just feels normal. Expected. But sex - He's definitely going to have sex at some point. That's the peak of a normal adult life. That and taxes. And killing the gun devil.] But if you think it's so normal, why is it so weird that I want that, too? You're such a weirdo, about this... [He thought Denji just assumed everyone had the same thought process as him.]

How'm I supposed to know…? You're just — different. [ He cringes around the word, different, like he's biting into the tartest part of a fruit. He knows how that sounds. What questions that opens him up to. His forehead looks like it might cave in from the dent the furrow of his brows is making, like he's exhausting every mental faculty within reach to ascertain what exactly is causing his cognitive dissonance. ] It doesn't feel right coming from you. 'cause you're Aki to me. My…

[ …Aniki. His dauntless brother. The boy who chased after him. The boy that brought him back home. The one who nearly blended in with the snow when they first met at the orphanage, who Denji kept running back to. But that really is a weirdo answer, isn't it? ]

…You're like our mom. That's gotta be why.

[ There it is, a non-weirdo answer. ]

No one wants to imagine their mom putting a condom on or doing kinky stuff!

[The expression on Aki's face goes from miffed to... something strange.]

[He can't place what this emotion is at first, or why it hits him so squarely in the chest, straight through his heart. It feels painful and infuriating but mostly painful. Like that stupid acorn song, he thinks suddenly, color growing in his face. From shame or embarrassment or anger, he doesn't know. Because it's the exact same feeling as when he was called the loach. Back then, it was enough to make him cry. Right now...]

[Well, he's obviously not going to cry because Denji said he's like a mom to him. The idea that he's a parental figure - a figure all three of them have lost in one way or another - would maybe be heartening to anyone else. But to Aki, it's like reminding him that he'll never quite be the same as them. He's always going to be a stop on their path, a memory for them of a different time. For all Denji talks about not reaching adulthood, Aki is sure he will, and sure there will be a day when he won't see him every day and he won't listen to him, won't bow to everything he's told him to do. Then what good will he be? Just a nagging mother. A loach to take them on a ride before they head off to their next destination. It's stupid to be offended by this.]

[You're still young, his teachers tell him all the time. Fine. He'll be young about this. Aki turns on his side and rolls over, pulling the blankets with him and facing away from Denji. To Aki, he's simply refusing to acknowledge the statement, won't even give Denji a response. To anyone else, though, he's sulking.]

[ Denji knows he's stepped in it as soon as only quiet hits him. No sarcastic remark, exasperated correction. Aki simply takes the blankets and turns, the warmth of it shifting with him, stretching off Denji's legs. Leaving him out in the cold, bare, wondering what it was he said, whether he should take Pochita and return to his own futon.

He hates when Aki gets like this, freezes him out without explanation — wasn't he the one told him just now, that if Denji gets mad at him, he should tell him? Well, why doesn't that same idea apply to him…?

He watches his back, listens for anything that might clue him in as to what his next move should be. It's like staring at abstract painting with him, though. Nothing ever comes easy or obvious with Aki — all he knows is that it had something to do with him saying he's like their mother, but it's not as if it's the first time. Power and he always joke about that… So maybe it was the timing? Treating him like he's not just another guy? But he isn't, not to him. Denji can't lie about that.

His gaze twitches, homes in on a flicker of movement between Aki's shoulder blades, which could be nothing. Is nothing, most likely. Yet it lures him closer, sidling up behind him, a cautious hand squeezing his shoulder. ]

Aki. Aki, it's okay. Don't cry.

I'm not crying.

[He answers shortly, tone tense. What an idiot. Does he seriously think he'd cry over Denji calling him a mom? He's such an idiot.]

Go to sleep, you dumbass. I'm done talking to you.

[Serves him right for trying to be nice to him after everything that happened. He carried him home, helped wash him off, mixed him an electrolyte drink, made him porridge, let him cuddle with him...]

[Those are all really mom-like things, his brain unhelpfully supplies, and he huffs, squeezing his eyes shut. Whatever. Stupid Denji.]

Well, fine. If you're gonna be a jerk…

[ They can never have a nice moment, the two of them. It must be some sort of curse.

Denji gives his back another long look, then turns his away from him in a similar fashion. He doesn't fully remove himself from Aki's futon, though, rather coming to a rest over on the opposite end, pulling the sheets off his own neighboring futon to drape over himself. Pochita makes an inquiring noise at the change in arrangement, but otherwise, appears unruffled, plodding after him and flopping over against his back.

…After the silence of the room has settled over them, the beginnings of sleep attaching itself to him, sucking away his consciousness like a ravenous parasite, Denji's voice drags itself up from the murk for a moment, just to say, ] G'night.

[ They sleep like that.

The next morning, Power is up before either of them somehow. In no small measure thanks to her going to sleep before them, as well as being mostly uninvolved with the more hectic events of the day prior. She doesn't do something so unnecessarily generous as try to make them breakfast, but she does fully open up all the blinds so that Meowy has plenty of sunlight to bask in this morning and stomp to and fro the bathroom as she gets ready for the day.

Denji groans, huddling deeper inside his blankets to escape from the imminence of morning. For once, he didn't sleep very well — his siblings both know that he moves quite a bit throughout the night, but this time, every turn and ungainly sprawl of his limbs seemed to wake up all his aches and sore spots. Along with him, too. And as much as he tried to return to that blissful, dreamless sleep, all he could think about was his eventual examination that day. It's for that reason Denji stays in bed until the other two have all but finished their usual rituals, and someone's nagging him to get ready, that he finally starts to prepare.

They're probably running a few minutes late by the time Denji's got his shoes on, a half-eaten apple in his mouth. Pochita keeps nipping at his shoelaces and tugging them undone; by the third time, he kneels and tousles the devil's head around in an overly aggressive, overly affectionate rub. ]

Be good and look after the place, alright? Don't let anything burn down.

Nothing's going to burn down.

[Is he still mad about last night, or is he mad because Power used so much shampoo it took her a full ten minutes to rinse it out this morning? Who can say. He nudges him with his school bag, full not with notebooks but with their medical papers this time, whatever he could find from previous visits Denji has made to the doctor.] Let's go. The longer we take, the longer we'll have to wait. [He raises his voice to call out to Power:] We'll be back this afternoon! Do your homework before I get back!

[...That sounds like a mom-thing. He turns around as Power calls back that she definitely, totally will and begins down the path to the stairs.]

Is your head really okay? You didn't feel dizzy when you got up, this morning?

[ No offense, but those questions sound curiously like a mom-thing, too. He doesn't say that, however. He also doesn't say, Chill out, I'm not going to drop dead, though the thought does cross his mind, obvious from the dry look he spares Aki. Still, he should get points for not immediately mouthing off. ]

Oh, so you're back to talking to me now?

[ …Well, half a point. Denji crunches away at the center of his apple, teeth opening up the core to reveal a few seeds. He eats those, too, but he likes to wait until the very end — more satisfying that way. ]

Yeah, I'm real peachy, alright.

[ He did wake up with a sharp tension headache blasting his skull from his fitful sleep, but hydrating and getting some breakfast into his stomach seemed to help tame the sensation into a dull, infrequent drum. Unfortunately, it's put him in a bit of a grouchy mood… But he's not outright trying to take it out on Aki, apparently, as shortly after his grumbling, he contributes: ] …How's your chest?

[Aki shoots him a look over his shoulder. He wasn't bringing it up, so Denji didn't need to bring it up. Figures.]

I'm fine.

[He barely feels it. Only when he leaned over to scoop Meowy's litter and sweep up the stray bits that had fallen out of her bin. But that's nothing. He's been hurt worse, for sure.]

[It's obvious as they head to the station that the town is different. There are a few devil hunters wandering around, some posted up at crosswalks and gazing around, alert yet casual about it, not unlike a crossing officer but they don't give them much more than a glance. At the very least, there's no sign of the ones from the day before, so that's nice. Heading up the platform to the train, he hands Denji his pass before he swipes his own and moves through the gate.]

Don't eat on...

[And pauses. Redirects.]

...I don't know if they're going to let me come with you, this time. Since you're in high school now. But you should just tell the truth, no matter what they ask.

[He pauses, chews his lip briefly. Then finally adds,] Except for stuff about Pochita.

[ In a Podunk place like this, no matter how casually they act, there's no way they won't attract attention. He himself keeps conspicuously eyeing the various hunters as they both cross up the train platform, up until all of them are out of sight. ]

Yeah. Wasn't planning on it. [ He's only had Pochita for a few weeks now, but he's integrated enough into their family, nurturing Denji's smitten feelings for him, that he's hugely unlikely to put the devil at risk. ] I'll just say that I beat the living daylights outta that thing with my bare hands. Wha-pow!

[ He punches the air, nearly dropping his apple, but managing to catch it with both hands. As if worried he might drop it again, he cracks his jaw extra wide to take his juiciest bite out of the apple yet, through the stem and everything, some of the fluid foaming in the corners of his mouth. One last bite, and the rest of it vanishes from sight down his stomach.

But, God, they're both talking about this as seriously as a bunch of militants mapping out their strategy to unseat some unruly despot. It would make him laugh, if the situation weren't weighing on him like something of that actual significance. Facing down probing adults always makes him feel this way. It's hard not to adopt an us vs. them mentality when, every time they scrutinize them, it's with the same sympathetic affect, as if they aren't looking for pitfalls in their precarious arrangement. A reason to step in. Make things worse. ]

Are we still gonna be able to train together like this? You said you'd take me. Don't forget.

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