windfall | light a cigarette, i'll watch as it burns

light a cigarette, i'll watch as it burns

[ Knocking. The roar of ammunition fire in his ears. Blasts of heat and debris sticking to his face, dust crusting in his eyes. A delirious and delicious taste, sweet red like pomegranate, like Aki's skin scraping open in his mouth.

Denji doesn't talk much about what happened that day.

Not unusual, since he doesn't really talk much about any of what transpired prior to meeting Nayuta, either. Or about how sometimes he can still sense, not even hear, but sense a phone ringing in the distance, its pull like a spiral cord that's gone taut, that's trying to make its way back home and if he follows its trail, he might just find someone familiar on the other end of the receiver.

No, he doesn't tell anyone all that, because, see, the last time he did, Kishibe had just hummed and looked at him, the kind of look Denji would get from adults whenever they caught him picking through the dumpster for his next meal: pitying. Then, he'd shook out a flask from the inside of his coat and said, "Sometimes it's better for the line to go dead, kid."

Weird response, right? It'd made Denji go silent, think a bit. And after a while, he hadn't liked that so much, so he'd changed the subject to something inoffensive, like complaining about how much Nayuta's so much better at arcade games than he is, but Kishibe had cut him short at that point to go take a call.

Naturally, Denji had followed.

It's a little sad that a man in his silver years is the only person he can confide in, but Kishibe's not a bad guy — and that's coming from someone who generally hates men. Then again, the guy doesn't show his gaunt face around these parts unless he absolutely has to, which is probably by his own design, so it helps that he's never around long enough for Denji to get sick of seeing him. Up until that conversation, his absence wouldn't have been something Denji paid notice to. It'd usually take weeks and months and Nayuta asking where the funny, drunk geezer who always sneaks her hard candy is for him to see past the everyday chaos of being Tokyo's friendly neighborhood Chainsaw Man.

But as Denji creeped closer, overhearing some words but not registering most of them, a dangerous curiosity brought him to the edge of his hiding spot. What the hell has this dude been up to?

And then he'd froze.

"So the Gun Devil's position has been compromised. Initiate a tactical retreat."

Afterward, he hadn't done anything for a solid week besides go to school, kick some devil ass and stare vacantly at a pair of eggs frying in the pan for dinner each evening. Predictably, Nayuta had rapidly gotten sick of the menu. So before he could make his eighth pair of fried eggs, she'd scaled up his back and twisted his earlobes until he begged for forgiveness.

"Stuuupid! Dummy! Get a hold of yourself!" Nayuta raged on. "No more acting weird, or else I'm putting doggy kibble in your cereal again!"

She was right. He needed to get a hold of himself. Yeah, he was dumb, but that didn't mean he had eggshells for brains. He could still do stuff in his own way.

In the following weeks, Denji spent his time hounding members of the Devil Hunter Club for all and any relevant knowledge pertaining to devils. From rumors about recent devil sightings, to insights into things like the theoretical mechanics behind how long it took for certain types of devils to die in Hell and be reborn, to mathematical equations projecting the survivability rate of fiends based on the velocity and quantity of violence…

Of course, he only understood about three-percent of anything at any given time, but one detail of interest shared by some gloomy, pig-tailed girl stood out to him. According to her, a mysterious amount of devils had been slain in the Kabukicho district, none of which had been reported by either civilian hunters or Public Safety ones.

Anyone with half their wits would be able to easily determine that this wasn't a reasonable lead, but for Denji? He could feel something trilling out to him. ]

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[The way Denji sticks around in the morning actually has Aki getting nervous. He did it the day before, too. Does he tend to skip? Is he trying to skip, to see if Aki will let him? Obviously he won't, and he misinterprets his hesitation as not wanting to go for school's sake as opposed to anything else. He tells him to get going, multiple times, and reminds him - "At least say thank you."]

[He shouldn't have to worry about him. Denji got eaten by the Eternity Devil and came out alright. Allegedly beat and even killed(?) Makima. He survived Darkness, too. But school is a little different from all of those, he supposes.]

[He expects the day to be quiet, which is good because his head is hurting, stomach still rolling. It happens every time he fully turns his head. Maybe it's the sound that bothers him the most. But regardless, he finally takes Denji up on his offer to use medicine, downing some pain relievers when there's a knock. He knows it by the amount of shadows - feds.]

[It's just a check-up, they tell him, in plain clothes and unarmed. It doesn't go for long, but when he admits to head pains they ask if he used his power and Aki lies, claims he didn't. They leave after taking a blood sample and pass by the landlady on their way out, who now Aki has to explain both his presence and the presence of five very large and formidible looking men to. Well, his Denji's-brother cover still works, especially when she reveals she's been to Hokkaido when he claims that's where he lives and he talk to her about it without having to make anything up. It sells the story a little better, even if he feels guilty for lying twice in one day. She leaves him with a bunch of squash, bell peppers, and a head of cabbage. A weird combination, he thinks. But he can probably make something out of it.]

[All in all, an easy day, he thinks, and is considering going outside to finally enjoy a cigarette when he hears Denji enter. He looks at the clock, clearly surprised. He's in the middle of cutting up an apple for himself.]

Welcome back.

[...It feels weird to say. He was hoping all day to be able to say it, for some reason. Some silly little hope that Denji would actually come home at a normal hour so he could say it to him. Why? The desire for normalcy, he tells himself. Nothing more.]

How did it go? Did you find him?

[For once, it's just the two of them without a devil to worry about. How relaxing.]

[ By some work of a miracle, Denji already has an answer prepared for this question, but it briefly stalls in his throat. It's just as strange to him to hear welcome back, to see Aki completely at rest and at home here, peeling fruit, bronzed by dying sunlight stealing into the room — it's the kind of unexceptional sight he and Powy used to frequently chance upon getting home from an assignment. Admittedly, not as often as he would have liked. Due to the nature of their work, there were nights he'd be getting home late or other way around. Maybe Denji should have done more to help out back then…

…But, nah, that's besides the point.

Clearing his throat, Denji lightly shakes his head at Aki, crouching to rub at Cream Puff's stomach. One or two other dogs say hello to him, but the majority remain stationed in the bedroom. Ingrates. ]

Nope. Maybe he was out sick today or somethin'.

[ He'd usually be making a beeline for the fridge by now, but Denji instead arrives at Aki's side. For one reason and one reason only. ]

Hey, gimme some of that.

[ His mouth opens. Ahhhhh. ]

[Huh. That's a disappointment. Aki doesn't look thrilled at the news, but he can't shame him for it. Not his fault if the kid isn't at school one day.]

[He's curious to ask how the rest of the day went, how Denji has been doing in school, if he's studying properly, but then he's right next to him with his mouth open, waiting. Aki sighs and picks up one of the slices. No bunny cuts - he's just been cutting them into eighths. He drops it into his mouth, right on his tongue. Bullseye.]

When does that devil get back? I thought she would go to the same district as you. [They leave together and he had assumed they would return together. Seems like yesterday wasn't a fluke, and she gets home at a different time.] ...And if you want more, get your own plate. [He knows Denji will eat the whole apple if he leaves it on one.]

[ So stingy. But the lone slice Aki does relinquish goes down the hatch all the same. Denji chews, his eyes wander to the door, as if just speaking about Nayuta will summon her straight away — Power's timing felt like that at times, like she could scent people talking about her (not usually flatteringly) on the wind and come busting in. From what he can see, nothing jangles at the door. ]

Not always, but I pick her up sometimes. [ He stood at their typical meeting spot today for a couple minutes, but didn't see her headed his way. Figured she might have gone on a jaunt to the playground with her classmates. ] She's probably still mad that she hung around for me yesterday and I didn't show. I'll hafta take the dogs on a walk this time if you wanna tag along.

[ Denji eyes the plate. It's plain to see his hand edging against the underside of the table, creeping in to pluck a second slice when Aki isn't looking. ]

[Of course he can see his hand moving to try and steal more. Aki doesn't stop him, though.]

You can walk all of them at once? [Seems like a nightmare. Some of them are even bigger than the kid - two of them could overpower Denji, he thinks.] I forgot she had so many. I only saw her apartment once, years ago.

[...What a weird memory. Aki pauses for a moment, reflecting. All he did was drop her off at her place once or twice, but she invited him up once. He had the nerve to think she was going to invite him in. But all she did was give him some paperwork to bring back to the office for her.]

[She probably did that on purpose, he thinks now.]

Here. [He pushes the whole plate toward him, pulling himself to his feet. He'll just cut up a second one.]

[ …?

Denji's hand rescinds on instinct as Aki departs, as though preemptively dodging a slap to his wrist. It doesn't come. Confusing.

He turns a little, not all the way, just enough to track Aki's movements into the kitchen, watching for any tells of anger or irritation — there was a point in their cohabitation where he could read those cues easily, decide whether he wanted to continue pushing his buttons or go fuck off somewhere, but now it feels like he's relearning what they are. When Denji doesn't sense anything rolling off him, he slowly reaches for a second slice, neck bowing between his shoulders. Sheepish about it. ]

H-Huh, you did? [ He forgets to answer Aki's first question. Likely because he's too busy picturing something filthy between he and Makima. The thought would have outraged him, driven him balls to the wall with petty jealousy before. However, his next words are flatly spoken. ] Did you two…?

[...Of course he takes it like that. Aki doesn't turn around, grabbing a second plate and a second apple.]

No. [Obviously not. He wouldn't have told Denji about it if they had.] She asked me to come up with her and gave me a bunch of documents about and told me to drop it off at the mayor's office. [He sits back down, picking up the knife again.] Like a paperboy.

[He hasn't thought about her much. Not until Denji brought her up did he even remember her. He isn't sure why. Even now, the later periods of knowing her are blurry, complex. He remembers going to see her for help, talking to her about Denji and Power's happiness. But why did he think she would do anything? To think he was so attracted to her when she was a devil.]

Eat that one. [And he starts carving up the second apple, not seeming upset or angry that Denji essentially swiped the first.] ...Are you still caught up on her?

No. [ Denji parrots, sounding as if that should be just as obvious. The messaging gets confused, though, when after reaching over to press a button on the TV controller, the grayscale screen splashing with color, he adds: ] I love her, that's all. [ He says it without inflection, without blame or resentment, the kind of frankness that could be used to describe his favorite color, his most hated school subject. Neutral in its ferocity but not any less true. Apparently loving Makima is distinct from being "caught up" on her.

He glances at the reddened skin of the next apple slice he takes, thinking that it looks the wrong shade. Still plops it whole between his lips. ]

Paperboy doesn't sound like too bad a gig. Must've been fun.

[ He skips through the channels, half-slumped over the table, his chin resting on his forearm. Pauses on a familiar mystery anime, squinting at it, then keeps going. He doesn't look like he's thinking too much about what he's saying, how uneasy and curdled the conversation makes the inside of his stomach feel. ]

[...He really does love her, huh.]

[It's so strange. Aki doesn't know why he believes Denji, how he sounds so sure about that answer even while leaned on the table eating an apple. How can he say that the same way you would say an apple is red? He's just a kid, yet he already feels like that for someone. And someone like that - someone who, honest to god, ruined his life. Killed his friends. Orchestrated some of the saddest events he experienced.]

[He watches the channels flick past. He's never felt like he understands Denji, only has a grasp on his motivations. He sort of understands his history, not from any actual conversations about it but from various things he's said. Not going to school, living in a shed. Killing devils since he was a child. But even after all that, after facing death and eating the person he allegedly loves, he still doesn't have any real goals. Nothing, aside from...]

...Denji.

[He hasn't brought it up and Denji hasn't brought it up, but he thinks they should.]

How are you, after last night?

[ Denji chokes. Loudly.

The screen halts on another news segment, live coverage outside the taped off aftermath of some incident. Devil-related, no doubt — there isn't a single thing that cheeses ratings better than televised torment. Or a Chainsaw Man sighting. If he weren't sitting there inert in his living room, feeling as cored as the apple Aki is casually whittling away at, he'd probably be on that very same screen getting rid of those suckers. Honestly, he wishes he were there instead.

But since he's not… Denji dares an oblique look Aki's way. Trying to recover some measure of equanimity. It's not successful. ]

Uhhh… Me? I'm… [ Fine. That wouldn't be untrue to tell Aki, he's pretty sure. He made it to school fine. Did as he was told fine. Kept his promise to him fine. Maybe got a little excited last night, thinking it'd be nice to touch someone like that again. Someone he cares about. But he managed to set himself straight this morning just fine.

Aki's an adult. If he knows that Denji's been wasting his time thinking not-fine thoughts, he'll probably do something dumb like worry about him. Even back when he treated him no better than dirt, he was like that — flicked a lit cigarette onto his chest that first day, sure, but he'd still put the flame out. There's already enough stressful crap to concern themselves with outside of what happened last night, anyway. ]

Is this a trick question? I don't feel much different at all, haha… What, do you?

[The choke is what he's expecting, but Aki isn't expecting Denji to end on saying he doesn't feel any different. Because - really? His eyes flit briefly to the TV's coverage of a devil attack, casualties still coming in, and he reaches over the table to shut it off.]

Not at all?

[That's... honestly, kind of a rude thing to say to the guy who essentially gave you your first sexual experience, but Aki isn't about to be offended by that. Despite the crease in his brow and the tilt of his head, he isn't going to yell at him for saying that. It's not like they actually had...]

[He pauses.]

[Would it be different if he fucked him?]

[He shakes the thought for now.] What I mean is, are you thinking about that any differently, now that you've... sort of experienced it?

[ A click of his tongue. The questioning look he'd been shooting Aki swiftly transforms into a scowl. That was irritating. He was watching that. ]

Er, yeeeah… [ He stretches out the syllable, the tail-end of it curling uncertainly like a question. What's the big deal? Not breaking eye contact with him, Denji slides the controller closer to his side of the table. Presses the power button to switch the TV set back on. They're doing a collection of witness testimonies now — the lineup looks like a bunch of weirdos, but he's kinda interested. ] 'course I'm thinking different. When I tried goin' to bed last night, all I could think of was stuff like, hey, that felt good? And also, damn, my jaw hurts still? I thought about it all the way to school and almost got run over! A girl saved me and I didn't even ask for her number after! [ Though he considered it. ] I'm doing an amazing job at thinking!

[ He says that, but he's definitely just speaking without thinking a single thing through. Denji huffs, already knowing that he's got a ton of room for improvement, but… But still! ]

…I dunno what you want me to say. My head's kinda jumbled. It's only been a day, alright?! Gimme — gimme a week before you hand me back a failing grade!!

[The TV flicks back on and Aki's brows finally twitch to show annoyance. With a huff of a noise, he reaches over and shuts the TV of again, grabbing the remote from him.]

Stop it.

[He's trying to have a conversation with him. Better now than when the devil gets home. Aki looks concerned when Denji mentions nearly getting hit by a car from thinking about sex (is that so different than his usual state of being?) but as he keeps rambling on about his confusion, the more shitty he feels about it. The same feeling he had when Denji seemed tense and uncomfortable last night, shifting around and not looking at him. Like he did this wrong. Like he gave him a shit time, when all he was trying to do was prove a point.]

I'm not trying to give you a grade on it. I just meant - Usually, people talk afterward. About what happened. And stuff. But I... [Was really out of it. Was really turned on and overwhelmed by what you did. ...None of those are good excuses.] ...didn't let you say much.

[Sure. He's trying to do this properly, but Denji is, as usual, making it difficult.]

What I mean is... Well, did you even enjoy it?

["Feeling good" and "enjoying it" are different things. He's not sure if Denji understands that, but he still wants to know.]

[ Silence spills into the space formerly tenanted by the background chatter of the newscast, making every other tick and hum coming from the appliances, the plumbing, the inner valves of his hammering heart, that much louder to his ears. It's contrarian, but his enjoyment's never been the focus of his pleasure, and why should it be? He enjoyed living in squalor with Pochita, dancing and playing in the open rib cavities of dead devils with Power. He enjoyed being Chainsaw Man. Enjoyed waking up and seeing Aki sitting on the patio, tapping his cigarette out into an ash tray. Every stolen moment poisoned by his own inability to hold onto it, to see it for what it truly was.

This, too. He's not sure what he's seeing when he peers into Aki's face. He's a little terrified of it. But, all the same, it makes him want to… ]

Yeah, I enjoyed it.

[ Be honest. It's not blurted out, not said out of reflex to assuage Aki's concerns. But the answer's immediacy is its own hint at something. The betting of a gut feeling.

Denji doesn't understand much about himself, so it goes without saying he doesn't understand much about intimacy. He knows it feels good when his tongue and his throat aren't twisted by pain, knows it feels better with someone he's close to, which is a weird juxtaposition, when he thinks about how it can also feel like nothing at all with someone he's really, really close to. He knows his first sexual experience was probably his best, and it wasn't because of the way Aki said his name at the very end or told him he did well — it was because he really fucking missed him. ]

[It's there, and Aki doesn't do a good enough job at hiding it: relief. It coats his expression like a glaze, relief and a brief sense of happiness. It doesn't sound like Deni is lying to spare his feelings, isn't trying to end this conversation despite how Aki can tell it discomforts him. He actually did good by him, and made the experience worthwhile.]

[He's happy, he realizes. It's a selfish feeling, deep down - that he was able to give Denji that enjoyment, above the simple fact that Denji did enjoy it, but he's still happy. The relief finally picks off the tension he's been holding since that morning, worrying about Denji's prospects, if he was going to go right back on what they talked about. If the experience sucked and he thought if he tried with someone else it would be better. More worthwhile. More worth the risk. But no - Aki did well. Maybe he is a little like Denji in that way. Enjoying hearing he did well.]

Alright.

[He puts the remote back on the table for him, lets him turn the TV back on if he likes.]

You can talk to me about this stuff. I won't yell at you, or whatever. [He'll yell at him over other things, but probably not this. Not unless he says something really fucking stupid. But when has Aki ever been fully truthful about when he will or won't yell at him? ...Listen, he yells at him out of care. So he pauses before he says what he says next.]

...I'm glad, Denji. [And he goes back to cutting up his apple.]

[ With his consent, the TV powers back up, though Denji isn't really taking in any of what's going on anymore, too pinned on something else. How Aki relaxes. It's weird that he can make anyone feel that way, relief, that he has that kind of authority to. That what Denji says or does matters enough to someone that they wonder what's on his mind. His plate still has a few apple slices left, but ignores them in favor of leaning slightly in Aki's direction, a hand covering the side of his mouth as if he's sharing a secret with him. Dumb of him. There isn't anyone else here. ]

…Really? So I can tell you stuff? Whatever I'm thinking?

[ His cheeks are dusted pink with embarrassment, not that it's going to make him shut up, or have the decency to wait for a reaction, or give Aki the chance to change his mind and take back the privilege, in case he doesn't like the strange sheen in Denji's eyes. ]

I really liked it when you were telling me about losin' your virginity. And, like, when you kept making those weird faces when you were feeling good… Uh, lessee, what else — oh, and I liked when you kissed me!

[ Despite the topic, there's an innocence to Denji's excitement. As if he's never had an opportunity to freely share his thoughts without the risk of punishment hanging over his head. ]

[Aki had no expectation that Denji would take him up on this right now, but something clicks in his brain - Denji doesn't really have anyone to talk to, does he? He has a devil kid who he seems to fawn over and wants her to succeed above himself (he still doesn't understand this) and he has no friends aside from a mystery student who bought him a cake. And Denji didn't even seem interested in that second one. He has that girl who convinced him out to Kabukicho twice in a week, but Aki doesn't trust that sort of relationship is a friendship, either. In general, he really has no one to talk to. And what kind of experience is that, to have no one to talk about sex with?]

[...but does it have to be Aki? And does he have to talk about it like this?]

Yeah... [It's almost embarrassing, hearing how eager he is. He liked Aki's depressing drunken loss of virginity? He liked his orgasm face...? God, it's so cringey to hear. He pulls his eyes away from him, unsure how to respond at first. He doesn't want to shut him down so soon after he just told him to open up to him.]

...And... You saw, right? It wasn't such a big deal. [It's so embarrassing because to Aki it honestly did feel like such a big deal. It completely went against what he told him. He's been forcing himself to avoid thinking about what Denji looked like with his dick in his mouth all day, the way he licked his fingers despite clearly not wanting to. What would he look like below him? He can't let himself get lost in this. But he hasn't experienced that kind of contact in what feels like years.]

[Denji, meanwhile, has never experienced it at all. Until last night. He stares at the eight cuts of apple in front of him, the core resting on the side of the plate.]

So if you ever want to experience that again - You should just ask me about it. Don't do something stupid, like you've been doing. Risking your life. [Well, he's immortal, but still.] Hurting yourself for something like that. Like I told you, it's not worth it. [Not while I'm here, he wishes he could add.]

[ "So if you ever want to experience that again." Denji doesn't retain anything past that part, his face smoothing out into a suspicious blankness.

The logical conclusion would be to assume Aki means if Denji ever wants to have another sexual experience with someone else, he should come to him for advice. Not just leap headfirst into any window of opportunity that opens itself to him. He should seek out guidance from a person who has his best interests in mind, who can calmly and impartially assess a situation and evaluate whether something (or someone) is worth pursuing. Or even to answer general questions like, Do you think that if I stretch my back for thirty days straight, I'll be able to suck myself off? That sort of thing.

But Denji's only made it this far because he's got several loose screws and gears and grommets in his head. Of course, he can't help but misconstrue Aki's words as a different proposition. ]

Hold on.

[ Seemingly uncaring of the fact that Aki's avoiding eye contact with him, he stares unabashedly, mouth shakily hanging, not unlike how someone would take in all the loose bedrock and foliage while looking down the precipice of a cliff. ]

You'd do that stuff with me again?

[... What?]

[Aki stares at him, his brows raising high. Did he say that? Suddenly he's very scared he just said that. Did he say his thoughts out loud? But he was being so careful about his words - No, he decides, he didn't say that, he just said he could talk to him. Nothing about having sex. Does Denji want to have sex? With him?]

[He isn't sure how to respond for a moment.]

I didn't mean it like that - [And though he struggles for the right words, he doesn't leave him with that statement for long.] - but if that was what you wanted...

[It's not a problem, he thinks. If they both wanted it, he thinks. Which Aki... Maybe he does, beyond just the idea of it. He doesn't know. He knows it felt nice to feel Denji's body. It was nice to feel human warmth. It was...]

...I mean, with only a handjob... I can show you more. If you wanted.

[He does. He wants more. He misses the human connection he used to have. Not just with Denji - He and him would hit at one another in a playful way or poke at one another's bruises and comment on the color change, but also the other things, how all three of them would crowd on the couch that only seated two people to watch a movie, no one polite enough to offer to take the floor... Those moments, he really missed. He missed the way Himeno would grab his cheeks. How Angel would smack his shoulder with his wing when he was annoyed. Even how Makima's fingers would brush his when passing something over.]

[...did becoming a hybrid do this to him? Surely he isn't this crass-minded to miss the sensation of even a finger against his own.]

Y-You mean, um — uhhh…

[ Flustered, and having nothing to blame but his own selective hearing, Denji reaps the punishments of his mistake in an instant, gaze crashing to the floor. Heat singing a path all the way up the curving shell of his ears. So he'd been wrong. The only reason why he'd so readily mishear Aki would be because some secret part of him wanted a continuation of last night, right? A justification to touch him again and be touched in return — by someone who wants to. Who wants him.

Does Aki want…? he thinks, eyes flicking up a smidge. A little hopeful, with the mention of being shown more.

But Aki said he didn't really mean it like that. If he's just offering out of obligation… Well, Denji's pretty sure he would probably say yes, anyway. Take and pillage first, worry about the ramifications later. He's not a decent person like Aki is. Families have mourned the people he let die in order to save cats and dogs and crap. His phone number's posted everywhere in this city, in the hopes of some poor girl infatuated with Chainsaw Man calling him up. He sells used cigarettes to Tokyo's unhoused population outside the station and walks away smiling. If he found someone's dropped wallet, he would deposit the money into his own bank account the same day.

His expression contorts, his chest wringing. Something gives. ]

…Nah, you don't gotta do all that.

[ Ass backwards as it may be, if this were some stranger off the street, he'd probably agree without thinking about it — but this is Aki. He'll insult him in any other way except this one. He starts to get to his feet. ]

I should go look for Nayuta. And take the dogs on a walk, y'know, like I said I would. You can have the rest of the apples. I'm not — I'm not hungry anymore.

[Wait, he's suddenly shooting him down? After all that talk? All those words about how much he liked it?? He's not hungry???]

[Aki looks at him like he's insane (god he forgot he literally is) and when he realizes he's trying to make a break for it he reaches out and grabs his shoulder, unwilling to let him stand and rush off.]

Wait -

[...What the hell. Is this really what he's become? He stares at Denji, lips pulled flat and teeth grit behind them. Denji, of all people, is turning him down. Denji. Who just told him he liked hearing Aki's sad story about him laying in Himeno's bed staring at the ceiling feeling like a failure. Because it was about sex.]

...What if I do?

[It changes the onus of desire, he tells himself. If he makes it seem like it's Denji doing a favor for him, maybe he'll accept it. See it less as an obligation, which, is that what he's thinking? Is that what he means when he says Aki "doesn't have to do all that?"]

[ God, he's so hungry, actually. Famished to hell. Could eat his remaining apple slices and everything still situated on the second plate if he could. It's a sin to waste food like this but if he leaves, Aki can have both plates, which would be good since he didn't eat anything this morning. And also, like, as happy as he was to finally get his thoughts from last night's tryst off his chest, Aki told him to try thinking about this stuff more seriously — to look a gift horse in the mouth, essentially — and that's what he's going to do.

As amazing as having more sexual experience would be, he can't take advantage of Aki anymore than he already has — wait, what'd he say?

Denji comes to a stop so full and sudden, Aki probably didn't even need to reach out and latch onto him. Then, he strikes a hand out as quick as a snake launching from its den, grabbing him by his shoulder. They both look nuts. ]

Say that again! Say that again! I wanna hear it again!

[Denji suddenly barking at him like that and grabbing him like that triggers Aki to do the exact same in return, his voice rising and his grip growing tighter - ] Don't tell me to repeat something like that!

[...Ugh. He shakes off the sudden rush of adrenaline from Denji being Denji and manages to calm down. He loosens the grip on his shoulder.]

It's not like you're the only one who gets something out of it. Sex is a two-way thing. [He doesn't want to say it so bluntly. It's embarrassing.] I'm not a saint who only suggested it for your sake.

[ He can barely read, how does Aki expect him to read between the lines?! For what it's worth, though, the disappointed sigh that releases from Denji seems to take all the hot air and tension out from his shoulders. ]

I don't think you're a saint. Just — a better guy than me. [ …He should qualify that. ] Some of the time.

[ Enough times to make a difference, to make Denji miserably unsure about not thinking things through. Once already cost him his life. He stares hard at where his hand rests on Aki, and then shyly, he gives the spot a squeeze. Slips his palm up the juncture between his neck and shoulder. ]

And I dunno, it just feels like I'm gettin' more outta this than you.

[He qualifies it as "some of the time" and Aki looks at him tiredly. He wouldn't call himself a saint in any respect, but at least he doesn't run on instinct from the police.]

[As for whether he's getting more out of this than Aki is - Aki can understand it, and he even wishes it were true. It would be nice to hide under the cover of that lie. But then Denji would just shy away and they would both be worse off. He can feel the weight of his hand on his skin, the contact at the edge of his shirt collar, and Aki closes his eyes with a sigh, his brow tight.]

...I spent all this time that I wasn't here by myself. [Fine, if he's going to drag this out of him.] The only person I see regularly is Kishibe - you can imagine how regular that was. [He's sure Denji sees him about as much as he does. He only seems to show up in cases of emergency.] After Himeno died... Even before that. I pent myself up. Kept to myself. [It's embarrassing to admit, how little he tried to enjoy his life. He was that swallowed up by his revenge fantasy. Now look where it left him.]

[He drops his voice low, opening his eyes but staring down, still with the tight expression.] It's been awhile. That's all.

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