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light a cigarette, i'll watch as it burns
[ Knocking. The roar of ammunition fire in his ears. Blasts of heat and debris sticking to his face, dust crusting in his eyes. A delirious and delicious taste, sweet red like pomegranate, like Aki's skin scraping open in his mouth.
Denji doesn't talk much about what happened that day.
Not unusual, since he doesn't really talk much about any of what transpired prior to meeting Nayuta, either. Or about how sometimes he can still sense, not even hear, but sense a phone ringing in the distance, its pull like a spiral cord that's gone taut, that's trying to make its way back home and if he follows its trail, he might just find someone familiar on the other end of the receiver.
No, he doesn't tell anyone all that, because, see, the last time he did, Kishibe had just hummed and looked at him, the kind of look Denji would get from adults whenever they caught him picking through the dumpster for his next meal: pitying. Then, he'd shook out a flask from the inside of his coat and said, "Sometimes it's better for the line to go dead, kid."
Weird response, right? It'd made Denji go silent, think a bit. And after a while, he hadn't liked that so much, so he'd changed the subject to something inoffensive, like complaining about how much Nayuta's so much better at arcade games than he is, but Kishibe had cut him short at that point to go take a call.
Naturally, Denji had followed.
It's a little sad that a man in his silver years is the only person he can confide in, but Kishibe's not a bad guy — and that's coming from someone who generally hates men. Then again, the guy doesn't show his gaunt face around these parts unless he absolutely has to, which is probably by his own design, so it helps that he's never around long enough for Denji to get sick of seeing him. Up until that conversation, his absence wouldn't have been something Denji paid notice to. It'd usually take weeks and months and Nayuta asking where the funny, drunk geezer who always sneaks her hard candy is for him to see past the everyday chaos of being Tokyo's friendly neighborhood Chainsaw Man.
But as Denji creeped closer, overhearing some words but not registering most of them, a dangerous curiosity brought him to the edge of his hiding spot. What the hell has this dude been up to?
And then he'd froze.
"So the Gun Devil's position has been compromised. Initiate a tactical retreat."
Afterward, he hadn't done anything for a solid week besides go to school, kick some devil ass and stare vacantly at a pair of eggs frying in the pan for dinner each evening. Predictably, Nayuta had rapidly gotten sick of the menu. So before he could make his eighth pair of fried eggs, she'd scaled up his back and twisted his earlobes until he begged for forgiveness.
"Stuuupid! Dummy! Get a hold of yourself!" Nayuta raged on. "No more acting weird, or else I'm putting doggy kibble in your cereal again!"
She was right. He needed to get a hold of himself. Yeah, he was dumb, but that didn't mean he had eggshells for brains. He could still do stuff in his own way.
In the following weeks, Denji spent his time hounding members of the Devil Hunter Club for all and any relevant knowledge pertaining to devils. From rumors about recent devil sightings, to insights into things like the theoretical mechanics behind how long it took for certain types of devils to die in Hell and be reborn, to mathematical equations projecting the survivability rate of fiends based on the velocity and quantity of violence…
Of course, he only understood about three-percent of anything at any given time, but one detail of interest shared by some gloomy, pig-tailed girl stood out to him. According to her, a mysterious amount of devils had been slain in the Kabukicho district, none of which had been reported by either civilian hunters or Public Safety ones.
Anyone with half their wits would be able to easily determine that this wasn't a reasonable lead, but for Denji? He could feel something trilling out to him. ]
Denji doesn't talk much about what happened that day.
Not unusual, since he doesn't really talk much about any of what transpired prior to meeting Nayuta, either. Or about how sometimes he can still sense, not even hear, but sense a phone ringing in the distance, its pull like a spiral cord that's gone taut, that's trying to make its way back home and if he follows its trail, he might just find someone familiar on the other end of the receiver.
No, he doesn't tell anyone all that, because, see, the last time he did, Kishibe had just hummed and looked at him, the kind of look Denji would get from adults whenever they caught him picking through the dumpster for his next meal: pitying. Then, he'd shook out a flask from the inside of his coat and said, "Sometimes it's better for the line to go dead, kid."
Weird response, right? It'd made Denji go silent, think a bit. And after a while, he hadn't liked that so much, so he'd changed the subject to something inoffensive, like complaining about how much Nayuta's so much better at arcade games than he is, but Kishibe had cut him short at that point to go take a call.
Naturally, Denji had followed.
It's a little sad that a man in his silver years is the only person he can confide in, but Kishibe's not a bad guy — and that's coming from someone who generally hates men. Then again, the guy doesn't show his gaunt face around these parts unless he absolutely has to, which is probably by his own design, so it helps that he's never around long enough for Denji to get sick of seeing him. Up until that conversation, his absence wouldn't have been something Denji paid notice to. It'd usually take weeks and months and Nayuta asking where the funny, drunk geezer who always sneaks her hard candy is for him to see past the everyday chaos of being Tokyo's friendly neighborhood Chainsaw Man.
But as Denji creeped closer, overhearing some words but not registering most of them, a dangerous curiosity brought him to the edge of his hiding spot. What the hell has this dude been up to?
And then he'd froze.
"So the Gun Devil's position has been compromised. Initiate a tactical retreat."
Afterward, he hadn't done anything for a solid week besides go to school, kick some devil ass and stare vacantly at a pair of eggs frying in the pan for dinner each evening. Predictably, Nayuta had rapidly gotten sick of the menu. So before he could make his eighth pair of fried eggs, she'd scaled up his back and twisted his earlobes until he begged for forgiveness.
"Stuuupid! Dummy! Get a hold of yourself!" Nayuta raged on. "No more acting weird, or else I'm putting doggy kibble in your cereal again!"
She was right. He needed to get a hold of himself. Yeah, he was dumb, but that didn't mean he had eggshells for brains. He could still do stuff in his own way.
In the following weeks, Denji spent his time hounding members of the Devil Hunter Club for all and any relevant knowledge pertaining to devils. From rumors about recent devil sightings, to insights into things like the theoretical mechanics behind how long it took for certain types of devils to die in Hell and be reborn, to mathematical equations projecting the survivability rate of fiends based on the velocity and quantity of violence…
Of course, he only understood about three-percent of anything at any given time, but one detail of interest shared by some gloomy, pig-tailed girl stood out to him. According to her, a mysterious amount of devils had been slain in the Kabukicho district, none of which had been reported by either civilian hunters or Public Safety ones.
Anyone with half their wits would be able to easily determine that this wasn't a reasonable lead, but for Denji? He could feel something trilling out to him. ]
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[Perhaps stupidly, maybe Aki had thought it was an old wound. Something freshly bothered but created days ago. He follows a few steps behind Denji, standing outside the helicopter (why were they even...?) and watches him climb down with the devil. And it's seeing his body flex and shift, sending fresh rivers and bubbles of blood out, that cues him to realize that he's not just hurt, but hurt. Actively injured, not simply rattled. Aki stands still, lips parted as if to speak, tell him to stop, to put her down and let him help him... But at his request, his eyes fall down to the devil, studying her with a look of trepidation.]
Set her down, on the ground. Lay her flat. [Since Aki can't reach out and take her, this is the next best thing. He squats down, motioning for Denji to stay close.] You need to - You're... bleeding. [An uncomfortably pregnant pause follows. What can he do about that? Chagrined, he turns his attention to Nayuta, feeling her wrist for a pulse before gently shaking her shoulder, attempting to wake her with a quiet but clear call of her name. Not "devil" and certainly not "Control" - he says her name, then one more time, then sits back on his heels and looks around their crash site. There's got to be something...]
I'll see if there's a first aid kit. Stay here with her. [He stands and heads toward the body of the helicopter, hesitant to enter thanks to the way it leans - but, he figures, he's already lost an arm and apparently traumatized Denji today. It can't get much worse.]
[Digging around in the cockpit, he finally locates the small box, not finding much but a few rolls of bandages and disinfectant, but it's better than nothing. As he grabs the kit, he recognizes he's doing this more for Denji's sake than the devil's, but does that even matter right now? He's injured and the devil will heal with some blood. Hell, Aki would cut his palm open for her if he had a hand to do it with. Making his way back over to them, he offers out the kit and can't help but feel ashamed of the relief he has in doing so. Like it somehow patches a small portion of the gaping wound he seems to have caused.]
[With Control so close, he'd expected Gun to do his usual rolling and grumbling, but it's quiet. His stomach doesn't hurt, no indigestion. He can't say for sure why, but for the moment, he won't look a gift horse in the mouth.]
Wrap that up first, then I'll help you carry her. We should get moving, try to figure out where we are... Look, there are less trees that way. [He nods in one direction. Growing up in the woods did, at least, help him with navigating them.]
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Denji moves in concert with all of the above, doing as Aki tells him to, no questions asked. Perhaps not perfectly: His wrists cramp and his hands come away with the compulsion to reach back out to sweep the trickle of blood from her eyes, but he does what he can with as much sensitivity to her well-being as he can muster at the moment. The effort isn't worth any medals, but it does ground the pacing wolf inside him — to care for her. He's only seen Nayuta this still at night, legs kicked out from under the covers, mumbling about dogs in space in her sleep. She isn't saying a word now, though. ]
Yeah… Those Public Safety guys are probably trackin' us down right this second. Don't wanna get caught up with them…
[ But he doesn't sound that anxious about it. If he thinks about too much stuff at once, what's going to happen, how Aki is doing, he'll get distracted; he can't afford that right now. Aki says to look a certain direction, but Denji's gaze barely lifts away from Nayuta before returning back to the ground where she's laid.
He reaches for a roll of bandages from the first aid kit and patch of gauze, stretching out the former a wide enough length to begin wrapping around Nayuta's head, passing it under her chin and behind her ear. Maybe Aki was ordering him to treat himself, but he should know already where Denji's priorities are. Once that's done, he turns his attention to himself, looping a round of bandages over his shoulder and through his armpit with not nearly the same amount of care or interest.
Whatever, it's tight enough to keep him from dripping a blood trail while they're on the go. ]
Done.
[ Adjusting Nayuta so that she's halfway lifted up by the time he trades her over into Aki's care, Denji halts suddenly when they're within reaching distance of one another. His gaze fixes down on Nayuta's peaceful expression for an extended moment, one corner of his mouth tensed, like he's trying to force down a wince, before he flicks his eyes up toward Aki for the first time since he changed back to normal. ]
You — You don't need anything from the first aid kit? [ Denji saw him feel for his left arm earlier, not a hint of red speckling his palm. But he can't discount the possibility that he's injured elsewhere. ] If she's too heavy, I'll just carry her.
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[Even though Aki had meant for Denji to care for himself first, he doesn't stop or scold him for doling out care to Nayuta first. He waits as he bandages himself after, passing a glance around the area, over the helicopter again. He wants to ask more questions and get the full story but he doesn't want to waste the time. They're both bloody but only Denji and Nayuta are truly injured. Which means Gun was out. Which means...]
[He doesn't want to think about it. The very thought makes his head go woozy. Denji barely looking at him, the obvious damage to his body, the bite in his skin... Because that is a bite, isn't it? When he looks over to watch him swipe a piece of gauze over the wound before covering it he sees the indents for that brief moment and tries to tell if they're his teeth. If he did this. If he did this.]
[But Denji isn't saying anything about it. Denji won't look at him. Aki takes in a breath as he leans forward to accept Nayuta, but stops when Denji does, raises his eyes to look at him when he does. And their eyes finally meet.]
[He can't get over how different he looks. Both from one year ago and one day ago.]
No... I'm not bleeding. [Even though the splotches of blood and the wet pool of it under his shoulder tell another story, there's no actual opening in his skin. He doesn't look for it, but the spot where Gun hurled his rifle to is empty now, only a small remnant of gunk and blood left.] I can carry her. You shouldn't aggravate your injuries.
[He offers his back for him to lean Nayuta onto, then wraps his arm around one of her legs, making sure her arms are draped over his shoulders for balance. It would be easier if he had a second arm, sure, but she's light enough that it doesn't matter. Nodding at Denji as he steadies himself, he does what he does best: Ignores the emotions of the situation and looks for a straightforward solution.]
Let's try and find a road.
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What he thought were his hands itching to hide behind a cigarette, a lighter, may have been looking to flick the trigger release of something else.
For a moment, Denji stays crouched, eyes heavy. Chest tight. Suddenly feeling wasted on fatigue. He wishes he could be less emotional, less bothered by what happened, more like…
He holds Aki's name in his head like it's a breath he's unwilling to let go — before sighing, hard.
Pushing up off his knees, he nabs the first aid kit by the handle and starts off after Aki, leaves crunching underfoot. They don't have time for his stupid ass feelings. He's better off stringing that crap around one of these tree branches and leaving it to die.
Where they're at is lush with both living and decaying vegetation. There's a path forward, though, because there always is, even if it involves navigating through mossy deadwood and tree roots veining out from the ground, enlarged like a cancerous growth. Just a few days ago, they slew a nasty devil who looked just like this. They didn't really get out of that one unscathed, but, whatever, what matters is that they got out of it. They'll get out of this just the same.
For a while, they're just walking in total deafening quiet, escorted by the chirp of insects. He doesn't know where they're going. When Denji was first assigned to under Aki's watch it was like this. All the skyscrapers hanging overhead, cars and city folk and storefronts to his left, right, everywhere; a jungle to wade through, and Aki leading the charge as Denji took in the sights. Couldn't stop pointing and talking about every last thing he saw. Now, no one's talking. No one's looking at each other.
How long they've been trekking eludes him, but at some point in their journey, Denji's head perks up at a close by sound. ]
…Water?
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[It's awkward and uncomfortable to travel like this, in heavy and burdensome silence that Aki doesn't feel qualified to break. Or more like, if he tries to break it, it'll shatter, pieces flying everywhere and slicing through skin with incorrect words or misplaced intentions. Every now and then he glances over his empty shoulder at Denji, like to check if he's still there, if he's gone off in another direction, but every time he does he also makes an excuse out of it, using it as an opportunity to take a wide look around, like he's trying to locate something familiar.]
[His parents never let him explore the woods near their home when he was younger, telling him it was too dangerous for a boy on his own. Aki had obeyed this. Shuffled to an orphanage in an urban city after that, then Tokyo after that, he'd never had a chance to explore nature or learn outdoorsman skills. He probably couldn't read a compass or start a fire easily. Wouldn't know how to spot animal tracks or signs of a trail. So, as they make their way through the forest blind and unaware, he has nothing to focus on like a skill he can remember or something specific to search for. Instead he just has to think about Denji and what must have happened to leave him like that. Leave both of them like that.]
[It's a circular thought process and coupled with the overbearing feeling of carrying the devil on his back, her right leg swinging free as he keeps his arm under her rear, it feels as if he's wearing blinders that keep him focused on that image: Denji, sitting on the ground, not dead, fully alive, but eyes empty. Face blank. Body - ravished, attacked. Rifled through like a purse snatched off someone's shoulder, pens and bottles of lip gloss thrown across the ground in search of something more valuable.]
[Denji speaks up and Aki blinks out of the sight. He slows to a stop, listening, then continues forward, his head turned to the sound before he finally sees it: below a small drop crowded by trees is a river, not to wide but flowing steadily in an obvious direction. Aki looks toward it - but of course, all there is to see are more trees.]
We should follow it. There's more likely to be people at the end of a river.
[He trails off, turning his gaze to look upward, then all the way around. Most of the sky is blocked by the canopy of trees, so Aki moves around a bit, trying to find a good vantage point, before finally raising his elbow in an effort to point, trying to keep from dislodging Nayuta.]
That must be a mountain. We should keep heading down the slope - maybe find a hiking outpost or something.
[And with that, he turns, heading to the edge of the small ridge and carefully making his way down, grip still tight on Nayuta as he slides down. The last thing he wants is another thing to feel guilty about, and sending her crashing into a body of water would do that.]
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What would that be like, truly?
Denji watches his company descend the raised stretch of land, steps slowing, nearly coming to a halt at that same ridge like the man before him. With Nayuta fastened to another's back, it's not hard imagining her changing over into someone else's hands, someone who can really keep her safe. As for Aki…
What difference would Denji being there or not make? He'd probably go back to Public Safety either way. Who knows what would happen to him after this escapade, if they'd still put him to use to collect the gun pieces or something worse, more final. But knowing that guy, that would still be his choice. Gun, over his life. Gun, over Denji.
The sound from before, the running brook, pierces through his lament. It reminds him of his parched throat, how itchy his legs are with various substances. Water is tempting. Water means he could rinse it all off. Forget. And then he could go back — to the city, to his tall buildings and reliable public transportation and convenience stores around every corner. School life. Chainsaw Man.
There's a crane standing regal in the water when they get down there. It snatches up a silver-scaled fish before spreading its wings and taking flight, leaving a brief ripple where it once stood. Likely scared off by Denji's approach. He doesn't inform Aki that he's stopping to splash his face down. It'll just take a little bit. He can catch up later.
His feet sink a little into the bank, but he steadies himself on the grass. Once balanced, water gathers between his fingers, dripping when he withdraws his hands. He rubs circles into his eyelids, wiping away the tear tracks, the grains stuck to his eyelashes. Keeps up the motion down to his cheeks, inhaling as the freshwater cools his skin. Briefly, his hands dip back in as he moves on to scrubbing up and down his arms, his thighs, needing to get his dried discharge. This feels good. Better already. ]
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[Aki doesn't realize he's stopped until he hears the splash. Turning his head to see, he watches in surprise as Denji washes himself, first his face, then down his arms, his thighs, his legs. He watches, eyes locked on the movement of his hands. Where he scrubs the most. Where he doesn't touch.]
[He looks over his shoulder briefly. Nayuta is breathing against his neck but doesn't seem conscious given how slow and even each puff is. She isn't trying to shove off of him, and she doesn't seem clever enough to fake it.]
[He turns back to look at Denji. Watches as his hands smear blood and who knows what off his leg, onto his hands and then scoops them into the water.]
Denji...
[He says his name, then nothing else, standing at the edge of the water. His feet, though bare, are dry. His stomach flips as it warns him, now is not the time. Now isn't a good time. There's nothing to talk about. It wasn't you - You aren't to blame. Whatever happened is a result of him. You didn't do it. It was always, always him.]
[But why? he wants to demand. Why would that devil even care? Why did he take control? How? And can he do it again? Can Aki slip back into that peaceful sleep, that calm, easy feeling that flooded him until he was suddenly woken up and thrown back into all of this?]
[A drop of blood spills into the water and Aki snaps back. Immediately shuts down the notion. No, no matter what - No matter how much of him they ever gather, no matter how much violence or how much suffering is threatened as a result of this choice, Aki will never let him have this. He swallows, and speaks again.]
Denji - Come up here.
[Never a human, was his first demand. He'd never kill a human with Gun's power, and never let Gun's power kill humans. That, he knows, must have happened, yet he has to say it out loud, for both of their sakes. He waits for him, his mouth in a grim line, eyes steady, gaze watching his every step. He wants to promise him safety, that he's in control now, that he won't be hurt again, but it's a hollow, silly promise. But that's been the theme of his life, of his drive and of his belief system: Speaking those silly desires aloud to force them to become true.]
I'll never let him near you again.
[And like always, he says it like it already is so.]
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But it’s weird, it’s so weird, he feels — different. Unlike himself. As if every edge of his body were pieced together wrong, like his sides are bent in just to slot into a too-small, too-straight mold.
Denji wouldn’t act like this. Denji would yawn, shrug off what happened. Stop thinking about fighting that devil with Asa, being locked up and interrogated by his classmate, caught between a gun and the ground. He would forget it, redirect his thoughts to his overdue homework, maybe his next grift to pick up some easy pocket money. Do what he always does with uninvited memories. Fasten the lock, ignore the terrible knocking of someone else’s heart against his rib cage. So what's wrong with him?
He suddenly scoops through the water's surface, further distorting the expression mirroring back at him. He gets up to rejoin Aki and Nayuta, hands shaking out the droplets. There are still red clumps under his nails, pitted in the long creases scoring his palms, but it's fine. Everything's fine. It'll rub off him eventually.
Truthfully, he's half-expecting them to continue treading onward as soon as he's back in tow. But Aki's looking at him like he's facing down another responsibility to uphold, and Denji's gaze on him lasts for all of two seconds before his eyes are trailing back down to the soil sticking to his heels. He listens, he really does, but he can't stop his head from shaking toward the end of his promise to Denji. It’s not Aki’s fault. He doesn't blame him for searching for the gun flesh, for swallowing that one piece down, for letting it swallow him back. Not even for pushing him down, pounding all he weight into his back. ]
You don't get it.
[ Despite his best efforts to keep the fatigue out of his voice, the words come out clipped, rather than controlled. As Denji starts to pass by, he slants a glance at him. ]
S'long as he's there — [ inside Aki's heart, spread throughout the world for Aki to seek — ] That means I get'a be near you, too.
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[It's saying the quiet part out loud, by voicing that truth. Aki focuses on what he wants to have happen and Denji focuses on what is most obvious and isn't being said. Aki wants to promise him safety and Denji is, instead, keenly aware of the tightrope they both walk. If he were cruel, he would remind him of the first time he saw Denji transform, the first time he swayed unsteadily with chainsaws spinning violently out of his skin as blood sprayed everywhere. That he knew, at that moment, that he wasn't human. He could shove that back onto Denji and Denji could shove that back at him, accuse him of the same thing. Are either of them human? What does it mean to be human, anyway? What's it matter? Why is Aki so hung up on that? He can imagine the conversation like it's one he's rehearsed in the bath every night.]
[The kindness that's inherent in what Denji says, beyond the cruelty of recognizing simple fact, is what keeps him silent.]
[He doesn't say anything as they continue on. They're both a mess of dirt and dried blood and neither of them even have shoes on, but nothing actively hurts. Transforming seems to have cured any wounds, though he isn't about to suggest Denji do that to purge his own. With Nayuta still on his back, the further they travel along the stream, the more things begin to take shape beyond the trees. First it's like a mirage, then easy enough to doubt, but after some time it's obvious that there are roofs getting closer. Down the path beside the water, a real path becomes visible and soon enough they can follow it, down until it becomes gravel and then when large stones are inlaid in the ground to create something more steady. His feet hurt but that's negligible. What they really need to do is make sure the devil will wake up.]
We'll need a story, if we see anyone. [And "escaped from federal custody" isn't a good one.] Let's say we were camping... We took a fall, and she fainted. We just need to figure out where we are.
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Unless it is? Unless he’s being the stubborn one… The gullible kid toddling about in an adult's playpen.
Denji’s gaze wanders down Aki’s back. His shoulders are tense. There are leaves sticking to his hair, blood browning the empty sleeve of his shirt. He’s a guy who’s strong — headstrong — enough to carry a child one-handed, to allege he can protect Denji when his feet are dragging with chains and he's straining against a leash roped around his neck just to keep pushing forward. Always trying to fix things without being careful of whatever’s broken sticking to the pads of his fingers, splintering through his nails. He forces himself to look away, stare elsewhere.
As the forest opens up to the rest of the world, Denji doesn't pay attention to it. Too preoccupied avoiding sharp sticks and stepping over any insects squirming, living their lives on the ground. Never mind that he doesn't really care if he gets hurt or accidentally hurts another. It's just something to focus on.
It isn't until Aki speaks up that Denji vaguely lifts his chin. ]
Camping, fall, got it, [ he speaks to himself, mumbling beneath his breath. No clue whether they could convincingly pass as so-called campers, but going along with it. ]
You said before — something, something, a guy who's buds with the Mirror Devil. You know anything else about that scumbag…?
[ Specifics about his abilities, how far he can project people, whether he can choose the location. How Aki knows him. That type of stuff. ]
If they're tryin' to find us again, doubt they'd send us far from that prison place, right?
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[The devil is starting to get heavy on his back and making his arm ache from the angle he has to hold her at, but Aki doesn't complain or try and stop. If someone comes across them when they're vulnerable, separated in any way, it'll be bad. And speak of the devil, of course, Denji brings up the exact person he's worried about.]
He's not a scumbag, he's...
[Well, Aki has certainly known worse people in Public Safety as well as better people. But he's a man who is just doing his job, which is to monitor the Gun Devil right now. Same as Aki. They have the same goal, which is why he's fine with playing along. Usually, at least.]
He can use his contract to transport people with mirrors. They only work with areas he's been to... But I don't know why he'd send us here, and not a lock-up. They have cells that can contain Gun.
[He's been in them, after all. Has seen how secure and unbreakable they are. Before anyone trusted him or let him have half an inch, that was what he was used to.]
You said the mirror was broken, didn't you? Maybe it changed the destination, to...
[Wherever this is. He shifts Nayuta on his back, his walk picking up as they near a more paved road. There are some road signs but all they tell them is the speed limit, a common low number for a tiny village like this. Aki pauses to look down at himself, too aware of the blood on his clothes. He turns to Denji, his empty sleeve facing him.]
Tie this up, so it's not blowing around. I don't want anyone to think we got attacked by a bear or something.
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Denji hates men who play nice, like it's just a means to handling beasts, to trapping them. ]
Whatever he is, [ Denji begins to weakly quibble, steps taking him next to Aki, ] he's not gonna be happy about us breaking out.
[ Though it only lasts a second, his hands stagger between them, not sure where to touch or cautious of the possibility that Aki's arm might suddenly sprout out again, but with a concentrated pinch of his brow, he pushes through the hesitation. The sleeve smooths out over his palm, wrapping around his tucked fingers, out and under, then looped again. ] I don't care where we go, but does it… I mean, if you go back, what if they do somethin' to you? [ His neck feels like it's on pins, talking about this after their last chat ended in Denji brushing off his promise; is this just going to be another case of them taking turns, saying words that fail to make the landing? ] If we get seen and stuff by regular people — I just don't gotta good feeling 'bout it. Maybe if I —
[ He has to cut himself off before his delusion takes him to wilder places. Maybe if I help you cut your hair, we go to a different country, find a different group of folks who are more like good guys, maybe if you let me help you as Chainsaw Man, maybe —
It's not a clean knot, nor a clean solution, but Denji finishes it with a decisive pull of the end; it doesn't give, and neither do the ideas piling up in his throat. The sad thing isn't that he doesn't believe in them, because he does, he's a fool and a dreamer, and in his most clandestine fantasies, Aki makes it. No matter what happens, Aki gets out. He finds a house where the snow never touches his boots and he walks in, puts up his coat. Throws away the gloves protecting his hands from the cold. It's just that overarching every path battling it out in his mind is the possibility that maybe Aki's odd would better alone. That every situation they've ended up since meeting again is because Denji keeps dragging him down. Dragging his feet, delaying the inevitable. The predictable.
There are other hands who can tie up Aki's loose ends better than he can. He blinks, looking away. ]
…Lost what I was gonna say. [ He starts to move to the other side of Aki, arms raised to try taking Nayuta by her shoulders. ] You can give her back to me. I'm better now.
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[He's definitely not going to be thrilled with this situation, but right now Aki's main concern is getting them somewhere to clean up. As they are now, they look like they've killed something - or someone. And at this moment, the concept that Gun... No, the concept that he has killed anyone is scratching at the door, letting its presence be known without actually letting itself inside. The idea is there. He won't confront it yet, which is why he's desperate to get all of them patched up. Cleaned up and taken care of so they can go back into custody clean and innocent.]
[Or at least, Denji can. Denji, who didn't do anything to deserve any of this. He still doesn't know why he was there, just that something happened that brought both him and Nayuta into federal watch. He knows the next step is simply to turn themselves in, but the more control he can have over that situation, the more belief he can have that they'll be treated as well as possible, the better. He's dealt with the worse side of Public Safety, he's sat alone for days on end with only meals to mark the passage of time. If he's obedient and keeps his head down, he can get through this. He can ensure Denji's safety. His eyes flit toward him when Denji begins to suggest something that he can do, but by the time his sleeve is tied up and no longer flapping against his side, he's decided to ignore it. Trust that his own method is the correct one to follow. Carefully, Aki helps to hand the devil over.]
If you feel sore, I can carry her again. [He rolls his shoulder, the other curling from habit. His back doesn't ache at all, but the strain from holding his arm backwards makes it feel like an overboiled noodle. He begins to say something else before they're interrupted by a sound - the rolling of car tires over gravel, trundling down the road toward them.]
[Without hesitating, Aki raises his hand, stepping one foot into the road. Either from Aki's action or from the simple way they look alone, the vehicle slows and a man looks out at them, obvious concern on his expression. Aki explains the same lie he told Denji - They were doing a day camp in the area and ended up falling down a hill, but not to worry, he lost his arm to a devil attack a few years ago, they're not too badly hurt, but can he tell them which way to a hotel or something similar where they can clean up and rest for the night?]
[The driver doesn't look like he fully believes them, asking Aki where their supplies are, which Aki quickly answers were left in the woods but they'll get them once they recover. Then he suggests they go to the clinic instead, eying Nayuta still unmoving on Denji's back, but Aki shuts that down as well, explaining that she fell asleep on the way and isn't bleeding. Despite the bandage.]
[He still doesn't trust her, is the truth. If they go to a hospital and they find out she's a devil, how will they respond? And most importantly, how will she?]
[The man offers a ride in his truck, promising to take them to a hotel in the area though he can't promise they have any vacancies. That Aki might have better luck at the clinic. But Aki brushes that off with thanks for his help, promising to repay him when they have their things back (and since when was he so comfortable lying like this?). He looks over at Denji and Nayuta, waving them over and motioning them into the back seat.]
Just stay quiet and hold her on your lap. [He speaks to him quietly as he helps to lift Nayuta off of him so Denji can climb in.] If she wakes up, tell her to fake sleep until we get there.
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Denji wants to tell him that he doesn't need his help holding Nayuta, but before he knows it, his arms are lighter and she's already been taken from his care; the weary look he shoots him lasts a good second, then with a breath, he nods. Clambers in.
His head reclines against the headrest, gaze rolling to the window, and for a moment, it doesn't feel like he's come that long a way from doing favors for the yakuza, riding in strange cars bound for dreadful trajectories. He breathes a sigh. At least it feels better to be able to put his feet up after however long they'd been hiking out in the wilderness for. Sadly, he doesn't get much time to idle before he's holding out his arms to bring Nayuta back in, scooting her to his end of the backseat as Aki boards. Her head propped up in his lap, he gently pushes a hand through her hair, smoothing down the bandage. ]
Yeah. I know how to take care of her.
[ The driver watches through the rear view mirror, keen and wary. Clearly withholding a few other questions.
The door on Aki's side shuts with a metallic shake that only worsens as they rejoin traffic and begin chugging along. If Aki intends on getting them back to Tokyo, they probably won't be able to do it in a single day's trip. With the magnitude of that chef lady devil's attack before, they definitely don't have to worry about school for a bit, which feels like such a minimal concern with an entire government agency tracking them. But he misses it, kind of — the simplicity of a few days ago.
There are a few times during the drive that he mistakes the other cars behind them for Public Safety, or assassins, or otherwise bad people, but they all eventually exit without event. Each time calming his paranoia until finally Denji's eyes close as they enter the next pass-through town over. Stays that way for several minutes before the truck comes to a final stop. ]
We there? [ Denji asks, weakly. He peers out the window at an older looking building, a reception area visible through the glass entryway — he can't tell whether it's an inn, hostel, or what. ]
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[Aki makes small talk, mostly in an attempt to better identify their location. Asks if the driver sees a lot of hikers this time of the year - No, not hardly, more commonly in the spring. Says they're from Tokyo originally - Guess lots of cityfolks like to think they can brave the mountainside, the driver mutters. Asks if he's ever summitted the mountain - which gets a short laugh. "Sure," the driver says, "three times now. I say the best view's from Kawaguchi, though. No need to climb all that way."]
[Kawaguchi - Without thinking, Aki looks out the window, up at the mountain obscured by the clouds. They landed on Fuji?]
[There's a growing sense of unease as they finally pull into what Aki at first thinks is a visitor's information building, but the sign in front says they have vacancies so it must have rooms. He thanks the driver, climbing out of the truck to grab Nayuta off Denji's lap and coax the latter out. His empty shoulder moves as if he's offering out a hand before realizing there's nothing to offer, so instead he waits for him to climb out, hazarding him a worried look. Or maybe it's just the simple sense of unease he feels in general, knowing where they are now. He figured it couldn't be a random drop. Surely a devil wouldn't roll the dice like that. Again he thanks the driver, assuring him they'll be okay once they get some rest, then faces Denji once he begins to drive away.]
Ueno's from this area, I think. [He begins to shift Nayuta so he can hand her back over. It'll look way worse if he tries to negotiate paying for a room with no money when he has a bandaged kid on his back.] That guy, I mean. We're under Fuji - He told me he grew up in a village on the western side of it... I don't know if he knows that Mirror sent us here. But we need to lay low.
[Easier said than done when one of them is missing an arm and the other is dark with blood on his front - The river couldn't wash that much away. He turns to look at the vacancies sign again, frowning.]
I doubt you've got any money on you, so if they won't let us in, we'll have to figure something else out. Just keep quiet while I talk to them, okay?
[And maybe it's the story he told, maybe it's the way they do look like three siblings attempting some kind of bonding trip in the woods after a devil incident in the past that was ruined within the first few hours. Whatever the case, the receptionist, an old lady who looks like she's become one with her seat, agrees to let them rest up for the night and pay them back the next day once they get their things. Why else would they show up here, she could be thinking, or maybe it was the look she passed over Aki's shoulder at Denji and Nayuta, examining the dead look in the boy's eyes and decided, yeah, that kid needs a break.]
[Another employee shows them to a room, a small one that nevertheless reminds Aki uncomfortably of the last hotel room he stayed in, the one up in Hokkaido he stayed at every year. It shouldn't have been a good memory, visiting a grave like that, but Aki has looked back on it fondly ever since then. Maybe for being the last flash of normalcy before his life was tipped on its head. Maybe because it was the last time he got to see his family. Maybe because the food was good. He doesn't know. Staring out the half-open screen at the view of Mt. Fuji, it's all he can think about for a moment.]
...Go and get washed up first. I'll keep an eye on her. [He turns around to look at Denji.] You think she needs blood?
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So Aki tells him to keep quiet, and so Denji complies — he hasn't been particularly unquiet in a while. It's easy to duck his head down and avoid making eye contact with anyone for too long as they're led through a nearby corridor. Denji remembers, too, that they stayed at a place like this before for Aki's grave visit. Back then, he and Power could hardly contain themselves: swiveling their heads, exchanging jokes and too-rough elbow jabs as they were shown their room, the echo of their snickers carrying on, carrying far. It was the first time he ever got to stay at a place that nice. When he visited with Nayuta a year later, the place they holed up in wasn't even remotely similar, but the grave plots they saw, the square footage all lined up and perfectly measured — yeah, aside from a few freshly lain stones, that place had looked just the same.
…It's too much to think about. He doesn't want it. Breathing out behind Aki, he tries keeping the blow of air low and brief. Unconcerning. He'd rather think about sleep. How the second he sees a neat little futon arranged on the ground, he's going to dive in and ruin it, and he's going to close his eyes, and he's going to forget. Yes, that sounds good. He'd rather forget.
There's a dent to Nayuta's brow when he places her on the ground besides the small tea table, careful to rest the back of her down gently. Movement twitches from behind her eyelids, as if she may be having a dreadful dream. She'll probably wake up soon, in that case. Denji's not sure if he wants her to. ]
She needs pizza and ice cream. [ He rolls the hair tie out from Nayuta's braid, threading his fingers through the plaiting; it was already partially undone, so he doubts she'll miss it any. ] You get that, you can get her to wake up.
[ The elastic wrung around his wrist, Denji shifts back up onto his blistered feet, passing by Aki to move to the bathroom — that's one difference from the place they stayed at before. That other inn was wider and had a breathtaking communal bathing area with different types of springs to visit. It'd be nice to go somewhere like that again, but Denji jimmies himself into the tight bathing space without complaint, shutting the door behind him. The loud run of a bath sounds, as does Denji's tinkering with the showerhead.
Just a moment later, a sliver of space opens from the door, steam already wafting out. A quiet reminder slipping through the gap: ] If you go anywhere, lemme know. Alright?
[ Click. The door shuts once more. ]
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That's all…
And that's what happens. Denji falls asleep in the bath, the water only about half-filling the tub because he was too impatient to wait any longer. Half-full is good enough, anyway. His body turns on its side, curled in the corner. ]
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[He needs something to do while Denji is bathing.]
[Aki looks up when Denji shifts the door back open after going into the bathroom, listens to the brief reminder - Where the hell would I go? he wants to demand, but doesn't, just sits down and stares at the wall in silence for a moment. He doesn't know how to continue from here. They'll come here eventually for them, whether that's tonight or in a fortnight. Rubbing his eyes and forehead slowly and with deep pushes of his fingers, he finally tugs off his shirt and looks down at his missing arm, touches the stump and feels the rough but sealed edge of what he lost that one trip to Hell. How he remembers the sensation of one arm reattaching and the disturbing rejection the second arm refusing to sent through him. How he woke up immediately knowing how to use his right arm and still reached out to pick up his mug with his left. The mug, not moving an inch.]
[His body feels sore and tired. It doesn't seem like his arm is coming back yet - if it even will, if Gun is going to re-grow it - so he may as well ignore that for now. This place doesn't seem to have pizza or ice cream and he's not sure if he could waft either under the devil's nose like smelling salts to wake her, anyway, so for now he scoots himself over and opens the first aid bag in search of some new gauze, something to wrap her head wound again since it seems to have slouched on their journey.]
[When he undoes the wrapping, he thinks he might have better luck using some water and a towel, but since Denji hasn't come out yet, he waits. And waits. And continues to wait, listening for the sound of splashing or water sloshing that he remembers hearing back then, but when it's too quiet for too long he can feel a bubble of anxiety forming, a series of silly thoughts teasing him. Could he have drowned? Is he okay? Since when can he bathe quietly?]
[Aki pushes himself to his feet and knocks gently on the bathroom door, saying Denji's name breifly before pushing it open.] Sorry, I need to get a towel for...
[Then trails off at the sight of him asleep in the tub, the water only up to his thighs, rippling around his body. He huffs a breath, wants to scold him for this silly act, but as his lips part to speak, the slap of a hand stops him. Or the reminder of it. The stare Denji had given him, like a feral dog who doesn't trust anymore after given enough reasons to disregard the idea. How different he'd looked from the previous time, above him in bed and fucking him, so pleased with himself and giddy with the impact he was having.]
[Seeing him slightly at peace - part of him wants to turn the light off and let him stay like that. But he's never been good at letting sleeping dogs lie.]
Denji.
[He speaks loud enough for his voice to echo without shouting, though if that's not enough he'll tap on the side of the tub with his foot. He lifts a towel from the pile near the door, nodding at him as he gets a corner of it wet from the faucet.]
Don't fall asleep in here.
[And then he turns to go, head back to Nayuta to try and wipe off the blood.]
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He's still working on that part. It's inconvenient.
There are still times when he gets distracted, can't focus, his brain just whites out the normal thoughts and reactions he should have, and it takes him too far away from the significant details, the ones he realizes too late: the questions Nayuta stares at him with; the things Aki can't say to him. Denji doesn't know what change inside of him it's going to take to find his own answers, learn his own voice, in a place like Tokyo, the thinning stitch between paradise and purgatory. Could be, it starts with waking up.
The hollow thump against the tub slightly rocks the water within, not really splashing into the walls, but he feels the movement tripping up the cut of his hips. Aki's voice pulls out a twinge in his mouth, a frown — like he's still caught somewhere else, like Denji's not sure he heard quite right. Brown peeks out from his parting eyelids, clouded with the leftover fatigue he wasn't able to sleep off. But managing to land on the tall blur heading for the door, heading away, all the same. ]
…Wait.
[ He kicks the drain stopper off, the water slurped down with a thick burble, and with his fingers slipping around the edges of the bathtub, he struggles into a unsteady stand. Hates that it's this tough on his stiff muscles and joints to do something so simple, but he tries to keep the feeling down, looking Aki's way, dripping wet from the face down. It's cold.
His hand stretches out, open. ]
Towel — toss me one, too.
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[For a silly but brief moment, Aki thinks Denji is going to say something - anything - else. That he's going to ask to talk to him about what happened, about tomorrow, about what might happen beyond here. That he doesn't want to stay here, that he doesn't trust him, that he wants to take Nayuta and leave. That he wants Aki to come over to him, and then wrap his arms around him or press his forehead into his chest or lay his chin against his shoulder and tell him, it's fine. He's not actually that upset.]
[Standing by the door, one foot in and one foot out, there's only a brief hesitation when he finally does speak, and Aki reaches down right after that to pick up a second towel. Which he then realizes he can't do.]
Yeah. [He tosses the one he's already got toward him, picking up another when that hand is finally free. Embarrassing, to expect either of them to simply wash this all away, to pretend like none of this matters or like they can push past it with no friction. He doesn't even know what happened and he knows it isn't like that - but how long has it been since he's dealt with anything like this? Interpersonal drama. It was easier when he could be upset with him for leaving while nursing a headcold.]
You okay?
[It leaves his mouth before he can help it, but his tone doesn't carry enough of the actual worry he feels, sounds aloof and unconcerned, like all Denji did was trip a little on the stones paving the road. He looks at him, briefly, his eyes going down and then back up, searching for some kind of remnant of what happened. But he doesn't let his gaze linger.]
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I can't tell… Do I look like crap to you?
[ Though he should probably care more, about the marks left on his body from Gun, or how Nayuta might be react to seeing him like this if he doesn't heal soon enough, indifference hangs from his every word.
Aki's the one in the doorway, tugged between the rooms, but Denji feels like he's caught in that same space, too, as he drips out of the tub and onto the floor. Strange and uncharted, like he barely knows himself, barely knows why he's reacting the way he is. Is it better that he feels calmer, or worse because he feels emptier?
He can't wrap his mind around it, but he can wrap his towel around his waist at least. Pad across the tiles to a point that's closer to the exit, and therefore to Aki, but still safely out of reach. He doesn't try to squeeze past. ]
Sorry for leaving the water running. You — oughta take your turn next. Oh, but your arm… [ A twinge ripples through his brow, conflicted. It used to be that if Aki had trouble bathing himself back then, it was Denji who was thrusted into the position of helping him balance, aim the showerhead, anything else. Much of the same stuff he'd help Power with, except Aki rarely ever asked or expected his assistance. Should he offer? But his appetite for just being near him feels different. Not how he's used to.
…In the end, Denji gaze dips to their toes. ]
If you don't touch me, and only lemme touch you, I can help.
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[Did he take that as some kind of insult? But Denji isn't the kind of person to care too much about his outward appearance, Aki has always believed... Shrugging his shoulders vaguely at the question, he feels like he should say something steadying and simple, that they'll figure this out and not to worry and that he should get a good sleep tonight. That Aki will wash up and then head to bed, too, once Nayuta is cleaned up a bit, too. That maybe Denji can help him with that.]
[But then he brings up his arm and Aki opens his mouth to refute any issue, that he'll be okay, he doesn't need to worry, and when he only begins with It's fi- before their words overlap Aki is the one who goes silent to let Denji finish. Suggesting help in a way he's never heard him offer it before.]
[A twinge of pain shakes through the arm that's not there, like he's clenching a fist and his nails are cutting into his palms. His jaw clenches and on instinct he wants to say, No. But Aki also knows what's waiting on the other side of sunrise. They'll find them eventually and they'll separate them for good and this time, this time for sure, Aki has the chance to actually say good bye. The chance to feel him, remember him, and commit him to memory more perfectly than before.]
[Is it selfish - Of course. It's undeniably selfish. Whatever happened has spooked Denji enough that he doesn't even want Aki to touch him. But if he's going to offer this scrap out to him, it would be stupid not to take what he can get. That's what he tells himself, his gaze dropping and brows tightening, the skin on the arm he no longer has growing dimpled with goosebumps.]
Yeah. I'd appreciate it.
[He steps a little further into the bathroom, pushing the door shut behind him. Still keeping his eyes off him, like approaching a wary dog.]
I won't touch you.
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Relief and disappointment clash to overtake the tension pinching every muscle in his body, the sensation too wrong, too confusing, and as it turns out, too short-lived. The hammering of his heart shoots back up, returning with a vengeance, at the click of the door. The realization that they're shut in together in here, which is stupid. This was his idea. He shouldn't be getting all shaken up.
But it's like some type of gravitational law is at work: With every careful movement that leads Aki in, Denji skirts around the tiny perimeter, consciously trying not to walk with his back completely pressed to the wall. Trying to be normal about the fact that his senses are on high alert, that he offered his aid without fully trusting him. Two animals, and only one is circling. Another thing that rubs at him wrong.
Again, he tells himself, he really shouldn't feel this way. So guarded, toward someone he seethed out a profession of love to just hours ago — stupid. The bitter memory presses a droop to his brow, an echoing ache between his legs; he still hasn't been able to think back to that moment, examine how he felt, if he meant it. There are so many other ifs to deal with before coming within touching distance of that one. Like if Aki remembers anything at all from the whole mess, if Nayuta will wake up, if they'll even have a future where their lives intersect after tomorrow and they get to talk about it. If Aki could…
His knees bang against the tub, harsh. His towel sways at his thighs. No, not that one.
Denji catches himself from stumbling, tightening a fist around the tub's flat acrylic edges. Then he reaches over, and with a squeaky twist, steaming water pulls from the plumbing. Glancing back at Aki to check on whether he's ready or not, Denji pauses for an assessing moment, holding his frame in his vision. ]
Put it up — your arm. I'll get your clothes off.
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[He has the strangest memory of Makima, in this moment. Even with her incarnation in the other room, even with her image being nearly totally pushed from his mind for the better part of a year, he can still clearly hear her voice in his mind like the ring of a bell. He had crossed paths with her on a walk with one of her dogs, he recalls. This one - the name, he didn't remember - was the least friendly to outsiders, she had said, so she was trying to expose him to more environments. And true to form, the dog had stayed right by Makima's side, his head turned away but his gaze constantly on him, the whites of his eyes bright against the dark color of fur around them as he pinned Aki in his gaze. "It's called whale eyes," she told him, her voice always so positive when discussing her pets. "Doesn't his eye look just like a whale's, looking down at something so much smaller? But he's the one who's afraid - It's cute, isn't it?"]
[Sure, Aki had said. Cute.]
[The whale eye Denji is giving him isn't cute at all.]
[Almost on instinct he wants to reach out and offer his hand when his knee bangs against the tub, almost saying something like Watch out but he's cognizant enough about this moment to keep his hand by his side. When it seems like he's recovered, he starts to reach for his shirt, attempting to undo the button near the top when Denji offers his help. And he'd like to be aloof and say he doesn't need it, that he dealt with this before and he can do it again. But when would Denji be able to offer this again? Will he leave Denji tomorrow with that image in his mind of his whale eyes staring him down, cautious and distrusting? Or can he prove that he's still Aki, that he's still the one in control, that he can touch him and nothing will happen? Is any of that true? He doesn't know. But he wants to believe he'll see a different face before the night ends. He has to.]
Thanks.
[And he raises his arm, assisting as much as he can to get his clothes off. A task he could probably figure out on his own, sure. Has before, sure. But if he'll be alone after tonight, why not luxuriate in this feeling one last time?]
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…A huff of a breath. Working the tension out of his jaw with a grind of his teeth, Denji shakes his head before sending Aki a weak look. Quick and meant to be apologetic, but the strain of the day's events just makes him look all the more anemic and sunken. ]
You don't gotta try to make this easier. Or thank me, [ Denji says after a halting silence, his voice thinning towards the end. His hands arrive at the edge of Aki's waist, curling at the inner seam of his shirt hem, the bend of his knuckles barely ghosting up his skin as he pulls the layer up. Barely anything. And yet just the outline of him is too much, too scalding, feels closer than an actual touch, closer than even having Aki inside him. Closer than having his chainsaws vibrating deep in his sloppy entrails. But if he could have his selection of anything to bear, anything at all, he'd still choose this over bearing the loss of him again. He'd choose feeling skewed and nauseous and on the verge of lashing out a second time over going back home to a box of his things with nowhere to put them, no explanation for what any of it means.
But, in the end, that's not his choice to make. In the end, he can only choose what's leftover from all the other paths that have been crossed out for him: a quiet, shatterable sense of nostalgia.
Softly flipping the cotton inside out over his arms, over Aki's head, the shirt comes away. Denji looks up at him, briefly, his own strange memory taking hold. Only his was this morning, and how easily he'd squeezes his palms to his cheeks and kissed him, one-sidedly, no holding back, no need for Aki to return the favor. But his gaze goes back down to the stump where a left arm should be at Aki's side, and his grimace returns.
He hadn't gotten a clear view before, but now. ]
It really is the same spot…
[ Touching it — is a thought Denji skips over as soon as the impulse twitches at his fingertips. He doesn't say any more after that, but maybe it says enough that he looks away with a sharp pinch to his eyes.
Still adamant about undressing Aki without assistance, he tucks his fingers inside the band of his underwear and his pants, bending into a crouch to drag them to his ankles. Once that's done, and his clothes are pooled at his feet, he mumbles to him, ] Uh, you can step out of these now.
[ With that done, on his way back up he wedges the clothes pile into the towel rack hanging close to the bath. He doesn't eyeball Aki's dick, doesn't say anything untoward and sleazy with his usual overt interest. Rather it appears discomfort doubles with them both nude; Denji presses himself to stay in motion, hurrying over to unhook the shower head on slippery feet, heels sliding unevenly as he grips the wall, tests the temperature with a short spray. After contemplatively rubbing the droplets into his fingers, he turns and — hesitates a beat too long on his next, which is stupid. He pulls at Aki's forearm, spritzing the water against his palm. ]
I've been in here too long, so I can't tell — this too hot for you?
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