windfall | what i desire most, what i fear most

Babies are weird, [ Denji agrees. They fought one not too long ago. That Typhoon devil, the way it sheared through buildings and streets and people with its pudgy legs, infant cry, and cyclonic brain fats still a vivid memory. How Reze could cooperate with something like that is beyond him. ]

But I still wanna see. [ Because saying it two times before wasn't enough. Despite his persistence, though, he doesn't reach for the drawer again, his legs kicking back-and-forth off the side of Aki's bed. ] And I'm sure your bird buddy here wants to see, too! [ Angel just said babies were gross… ]

I didn't know parents were s'posed to keep stuff like that. Does it have pictures of, like, you in diapers? Eating worms? Shoving a crayon up your nose? That why you're all shy about it?

[ Obviously, Denji doesn't have his own baby books to speak of, so he wouldn't know what exactly is documented inside. It's probably why he shows the same interest in them as he would if Angel discovered a secret pile of adult erotica. ]

[At nearly the same time as Angel says, "I'm not a bird", Aki tells Denji, ] He's not a bird.

[There's a brief pause as they recognize that they spoke at the same time, but Aki is the one who continues.] It's not interesting. It's things like... Weights, and milestones. You know... There's nothing like childhood in there, only infancy. You know that's different, don't you? You won't find it interesting.

[Angel has seemed to catch on that this isn't something Aki is keen on them looking through, but he also knows the ins and outs of Aki's neuroses a little bit better than Denji, on account of the whole dying thing, he thinks. He tilts his head to the side as Aki tries to make the contents sound as boring as possible, aware there must be more to it that he isn't saying. To him, it feels pretty obvious, but Denji... He turns his head to the side and sighs.]

I don't want to look at something boring like that. I'm thirsty. I want something to drink.

[Aki tells him to get something, himself, but Angel only sighs again, more dramatic, dropping his chin onto his knees.] I hope I die of thirst like this. I - [And Aki interrupts, "Alright, I get it, I get it - shut up, before I kick you out." Then points at Denji, saying, "Don't you dare open that up," as he leaves the door open to go to the kitchen.]

[There's a small beat of silence once he's gone. Angel won't stop Denji if he opens the drawer, but he speaks up either way.]

...Chainsaw-kun, you know he doesn't want you to see him like that, right?

[ Denji doesn't look Angel's way, doesn't even sneak one at the drawer. He lays back in Aki's bed in silence, arms crossed behind his head.

Like what, he considers asking. Thinks about it. Thinks against it. Thinks about it again.

Ultimately, he lands on: ] Yeah, I guess.

[ Half because Denji can make his own guesses — it's not as if the books are stored away somewhere hard to reach and easy to collect dust; if it’s in his nightstand, then he figures he wants it close by for some reason — and half because he doesn't actually want to hear Angel spelling it out to him, the idea not unlike sandpaper graining his nerves. Maybe if it were someone else. Someone not wearing Aki's sweatshirt, not able to work him like a thread around his finger just to get him out of the room when he senses his discomfort.

Denji turns over to give his back to Angel, but then the movement buries his nose in Aki's pillow, and just as quickly as he’d done so, he pushes back — it smells like him, er, probably, not that he really pays attention to that sort of thing when they're shouting and wrestling over stuff like who broke the air flyer-fryer. He rolls onto his other side. Fishes the deck of cards from his pocket to lay it flat in the space between them. ]

Do you know how to shuffle?

[Angel watches Denji for a moment longer before looking at the drawer beside himself. He actually debates opening it, looking through. Seeing what that person looked like before everything happened. Before a human became a human and was instead just a pure thing with no real thoughts or opinions. Hm.]

[Then Denji asks if he knows how to shuffle. He shakes his head.]

I don't know how to play card games, anyway. I'll just watch.

[Truth is, he has no actual desire to play. It sounds boring. He doesn't want to waste time learning the rules for something that doesn't matter. He pulls his knees up and stares at the half-open door, beyond which he can hear the fridge opening and closing.]

...Do you think there was a time when Aki Hayakawa wasn't yet Aki Hayakawa? Or do you think he was destined to be this sort of human from the moment he was born?

[ Angel's asking the wrong person; laying on his side as he splits the deck in two, Denji initially doesn't appear to be listening. He holds each half bent at a curve, then cascades the cards back into each other with a practiced flip. Back when he was younger, he never used to get to play these sorta games. Always just watched curiously whenever he chased his yakuza creditors down to one of their rings to offer up his meager funds from devil hunting. And whenever he got caught looking for too long, he'd end up roped into helping the resident bookmaster with collecting bets or taking part in simple grifts for extra cash. ]

Don't really think anything about that.

[ He shuffles the deck one more time before dealing out the hands for a game of tycoon, or blackjack, or something else that's simple for Denji to explain after this — or more likely, Aki will be explaining the rules to Angel. Because, like it or not, there are three piles of cards here. ]

Aki's Aki. The Aki who wet the bed or didn't eat all his broccoli is still, like, part of the Aki who is annoying as hell today. Once a crybaby, always a crybaby, y'know. Dunno about that destiny stuff, though…

[ In a way, he sorta believes in it. That some people are born to walk through life with adoring gazes glued to their backs, and some people just get by not being spared a glance at all. But sometimes he'll be see a flash of indecision in Aki's eyes, like he's torn between slamming Denji's forehead into the ground or explaining to him why stuff like unclogging the shower drain every so often matters. Does that count as freewill? ]

[Angel notices that Denji is dealing three piles. He also notices that he does seem to know how to shuffle. He really didn't expect that, for some reason.]

[His response, though, sounds more like what he'd expect Chainsaw to say. A matter-of-fact acceptance of the present situation.]

Mmm... So you think it's more in nature than nurture. That someone will always turn out to be a certain way, regardless of the effects of their surrounding environment.

[Aki steps back into the room, holding a glass of water with a plastic straw. He knew he had them somewhere - and he knows Angel prefers them so it will hopefully keep him from complaining about anything else or verbally wishing he was dead for a little bit. Angel accepts the drink and turns the question on Aki - ] Do you believe a human is determined more by nature or nurture?

[Aki only vaguely glances at him before flatly answering, "Nurture," and turning his attention to Denji to ask what game he's setting up. May as well.]

[ Nurture. Which from Angel's commentary seems to be in opposition to his answer. Denji darts Angel a confused look, almost to ask what that was all about, what the point of the question was, what the winged devil would have chosen if the question had been asked the other way around.

But then Aki's looking to him for the details of the game. He gets distracted. ]

Uh, figured we'd do something easy to get the hang of like blackjack. Tycoon has more card rules to memorize — [ and Denji doesn't remember them all lmfao ] — and I think your buddy wouldn't like that.

[ He thought about leaving the card rules to Aki, but whatever. It's not hard. He still does a kinda slipshod job explaining it, so Aki may have to clarify some things on the side. ]

…But we don't hafta play exactly by the rules, that'd be boring! Bets don't gotta be about money — you can bet anything, like secrets, cigarettes, and booze. [ Well, that's the sorta stuff he'd see the yakuza use as leverage at times. Strip blackjack is also a thing, but Denji doesn't know that. Otherwise, he'd suggest it. ] We could even go simpler and not use bets at all, but any losers who bust needa take a shot or, like, toilet water. Or something else. Something fun!

[Angel speaks up to point out he doesn't mind rules, he just doesn't want to play. But Aki pushes his cards toward him and he picks them up with a pout, listening to Denji's explanation with the same expression as a scolded child. Aki recognizes the game, but he's more concerned with how Denji even knows how to play, and his choice of bets. Did he just hang around pachinko parlors and seedy gambling joints before...?]

No one is drinking toilet water. [Why is he so gross? Aki sits back and looks at his cards, frowning.] I don't smoke anymore, and you're too young to drink. And he doesn't like alcohol. [So, what, secrets? He doesn't really want to share secrets. Not with these two.] How about... the loser after five games has to clean up the mess in here.

[Angel immediately refuses this and puts his cards down, claiming he'll happily take shots instead despite not enjoying the taste. Aki rolls his eyes as he drinks his beer.]

Then what, embarrassing stories? [That's better than secrets, and he's more careful than either of them so he's not going to lose, anyway. Never mind that Angel doesn't seem to feel any form of embarrassment for anything and even verbalizes that, claiming it's a human emotion. Aki simply looks to Denji to see if he agrees.]

[ Denji's head dips to the side, a slow-stretching smile sharpening his lips — it's sneaky, not an expression he wears very often. More cheshire cat than golden retriever. He doesn't really need consensus on this, but he glances at Angel, anyway, to check for any protest or forfeiture, and regardless of if there is any, his legs stretch out across the bed. Way too relaxed about his odds. But also, like, Aki's been drinking, Angel doesn't know how to play. How can he not have this in the bag? ]

I'm in. Get ready to cough up that blackmail material, suckers.

[ Whichever direction the they decide to go in, clockwise or counter-clockwise, Denji volunteers to go first since the game was his idea. And someone needs to set the tempo. Seeing as they don't have a dealer, at the center of their circle are two cards next to the remaining deck, a three of spades face-up and another facing down.

Even though he already explained how to play, he gives the brief play-by-play for Angel's benefit. Almost brotherly, for how weird he's been behaving around him this entire night — he kinda likes knowing more stuff than another person. Makes him feel all smart even without wearing glasses! Maybe in a different timeline, he could be someone's older sibling. ]

Yeaaah, so, if I decide to reach for another card… [ Which he does. ] That's a hit and it ends my turn. You're pretty much gamblin' that you won't hit the limit when you do that. Who's next?

[Angel thinks that Denji looks too pleased with himself about this whole thing. Explaining all his moves, what he's doing and why... It's like he's the one holding the high card. But in this game, it sounds like those are dangerous. If you want to win, at least.]

'Kay. [He takes a card from the pile, turning it around before he realizes it can't be upside down based on the pattern. Funny how that works. Aki goes next, also drawing a card, though his expression doesn't reveal whether he's gotten something good or not. And regardless of Denji's move, Angel draws another without any pause, causing Aki to speak up - "You can't just draw without thinking, you need to be strategic about it."]

But I want to lose.

["If you lose, you have to tell an embarrassing story about yourself."]

I don't have anything like that, so if I lose, I get to not do anything.

[Aki stares at him, lips drawn thin. He doesn't draw a card, looking toward Denji for his turn, instead. Forget the annoying devil.]

Whaaat, that can't be true! You've gotta have something you can't yell off the balcony all willy-nilly! Have some fun with it.

[ Or at least tell them why he was asking that weird question earlier. It's still bothering Denji, just a little, and the expression on his face definitely says that he isn't above physically prying those lips of Angel's loose by force if he has to. ]

I mean, even Mister Straight-Laced here is playin' along. [ Briefly, he shifts his gaze toward Aki's current hand, studying the card for a moment. ] And being a buzzkill is his whole thing.

[ He hits again before overturning the face down dealer's card, then flipping two more from the deck. Revealed altogether, the dealer has a hand of 18. So does Denji, as it happens, which he smugly flips over in quick succession. Basically, he's safe this round. Now what about the other two? ]

[Something he can't yell off the balcony... Honestly, Angel is pretty open with most of his thoughts. The ones he doesn't convince himself out of, at least. It's the first time he's really thought about something he might be ashamed of, or something that would be embarrassing to admit. Very human emotions. Things he would gladly say that devils don't feel. But Denji seems so annoyed with him and even Aki Hayakawa looks at him like he should agree with that. Does he have anything shameful in his past, something he still feels bad about...?]

[Aki reveals his hand after Denji does, scoring a fifteen - below both Denji and the dealer, so he isn't winning anything, but when Angel reveals he has a thirty - three tens, somehow - Aki snaps, "How the hell do you score a thirty in blackjack?!" and Angel shrugs his shoulders. If he hadn't hit that third time, he would have won - but he doesn't even think about that, for once actually putting effort into something. Something he did that he feels bad about, and wouldn't otherwise share...]

[...Well. Given the company he's in, maybe he can share this story. He pushes the cards forward to give them back to Denji.]

Umm... Back when Makima found me, and she brought me here, we had to take a plane. [He was on an island, after all, though he doesn't bother explaining this.] And we stopped somewhere and had to get on a different plane, and right before that she brought me some food. So I was eating it, but there was more food on the table, so I grabbed some of that, too. But I guess that was what she got just for herself. And she didn't get mad at me, but I felt kind of bad about it when she told me.

[He didn't really feel ashamed or embarrassed, mostly confused. He thought sharing food was normal. Especially for humans. Though he couldn't say why he thought that.]

[He looks at Aki, who looks... vaguely annoyed (he got to travel with Miss Makima...??).] Does that work? [And Aki mutters that that's fine, adding he needs to actually try to win a round this time.]

[ It doesn't work, but Denji doesn't say so. Just muses: ] Miss Makima really is great, huh?

[ Surprisingly, he appears more thoughtful than envious, more curious than annoyed by how Angel's playing the game, how the story he supplies them doesn't quite fit what he had in mind. Maybe it has to do with how similar Angel's travels sound to his own: When Makima found him, she shared a meal with him, too. Held him, fed him, gave him the trench coat off her back. Being so caring and kindhearted, obviously, she wouldn't mind sharing food with another devil. So weird to think that he'd ever considered running away from someone like that. Someone shimmering with so much goodness inside and out, he's sure that if anyone cracked her open, the only thing that would bleed out is endless light.

Anyway, he'll give Angel a pass this time. He likes being reminded of Makima. Thinking about her always puts him in a better mood. ]

Man, I wanna ride a plane someday… [ Denji begins dealing them in again. The dealer's hand this time showing a nine of diamonds. ] Heard grub tastes better when you're all high up. Eh, but Enoshima only takes a train ride to get to from Tokyo, doesn't it…

[ Once the deck returns to the middle, he reaches over to pluck a bag of chips from the stack of snacks. ]

What kinda place were you at that you had to take an airplane?

An island.

[He doesn't expand upon that, because there's nothing to expand with. Angel doesn't remember much, if anything, about that place, aside from that he was there for long enough to start disliking humans enough to kill them. Even if it was so much warmer than the city, so much nicer. Even if he wants to go back there - but that doesn't really matter. It's not going to happen, so there's no use dreaming about it. For some reason it's very easy to put that whole place out of his mind.]

You're gonna go to Enoshima? [He looks at Aki for confirmation, since he assumes it's all his idea, being the mother and all.] I thought people said Aki Hayakawa doesn't take any vacations.

[Aki frowns, taking a card after looking at what he's been dealt, answering simply, "It was an idea Miss Makima came up with." Angel hums, long and drawn out, a sound that would be teasing or mocking if not for how flat the sound is and how neutral his expression remains.]

I heard it's a really busy place with a lot of people. Sounds like a nightmare. You should go relax in the countryside, instead.

Edited 2023-10-26 03:55 (UTC)

[ An island. This vague little shit… If the conversation weren't already being steered toward more familiar waters, Denji might have asked Angel if he remembers ever playing volleyball, building sand castles, or smashing watermelons. The last time he went to a beach, he got his neck, and a bit of his heart, snapped in two by a girl, so it'd be nice to know good things can happen there instead. Not just sucky stuff.

But, oh, well. After wiping a few crumbs against Aki's bed, he adds another card to his hand. ]

You wouldn't say that if you'd ever been out in those parts.

[ The countryside, he means. ]

I mean, I sorta get it. Less folks bothering ya, maybe, but tell me why even small stuff you wouldn't notice becomes way louder out there! Like mice runnin' around or the rumblin' of your stomach. [ Then again, maybe that sort of quiet isn't so different from whatever Angel experiences every night in his holding cell. ] …At least in the city, there are warmer baths, fresher food, and hotter chicks. [ He ticks his fingers as he lists the apparent perks of living in the city, then shoots a glance Aki's way. ] Back me up here, dude. Nothing beats those top three things. Nothing!

[If he's been out to those parts...? Angel's brows crease together in confusion. How is saying he lived in an island not unlike living in the countryside? It was far better than living in this hell of a city, by any stretch, and he feels even more assured of that as Denji lists his criteria for the city's benefits. Warm water, fresh food, hot chicks. He's pretty sure he had all of that where he was before Makima took him here. ...Maybe not the last part, he thinks belatedly. He thinks? He's not sure. None of the humans there ever really made an impact on him, after all.]

The city is more dangerous. Though I suppose someone like you wouldn't understand that.

[Denji who has nearly touched him directly twice tonight, after all, probably doesn't get why Angel would be concerned with living a quiet life, even if it meant not having as many amenities.]

[Aki deals a card for Angel, since he isn't picking anything and didn't even look at his hand. Sometimes he has to force him to move his feet a few steps and then he'll start going. As for Denji's summation of the benefits of the city versus the countryside...]

I grew up in the countryside and I had hot water and fresh food. [No comment on the women. He isn't interested in discussing "hot chicks" with Denji and Angel, of all people.] There are benefits to both, but you're never fully safe, no matter where you go. Cities have more opporunities for individuals, the countryside is better if you've built a community.

[He draws his own card and raises a brow. Reaches behind himself to find the little thing of cheesecake he's been waiting to eat. Whether he's eating it out of celebration for a good hand or comfort for a bad hand, he doesn't show.]

[Angel tilts his head to the side and asks, "So, since you've built a community, would you go back to the countryside?" Aki looks at him with a confused stare on what he means by community and Angel motions to the room around them. "With your little family, here."]

...No. [Are they a family just because they live together...? Either way, he doubts Denji and Power would enjoy country living, and even moreso - ] I still have things I need to do here.

[ Denji's complaints over what "someone like him" is referring to exactly go mostly unheard beneath the torrent of conversation. In noticing nobody is paying attention to him, though, he sulkily pipes down, getting used to the pattern.

He doesn't like this weird topic. This night was supposed to be fun, but at every turn, he keeps getting reminded of — Reze. He's over her, he's pretty sure, probably. Kinda sorta. He has Makima, and he doesn't feel as crummy anymore whenever Aki brews his coffee, actually likes watching the fold in his brow as he concentrates on blooming up the coffee grounds when he pours into the dripper. But now he keeps thinking back to what she said to him before, about the country and the city. Are food and fun all you care about, she'd said to him. He hadn't understood the odd glaze to her expression, still doesn't, not really. Yet, for a moment earlier, he thinks Angel was wearing the same look.

Aki says something about needing a community, and Denji's not so sure about that. Sometimes all you need is just one person to go there with you. He thinks a little bit about how he'd been ready to go anywhere, maybe back to the countryside with her, at the end. He doesn't know why. What was he thinking back then? ]

So when you're finished with what you need to do, that's when you'll be ready to go?

[ Denji doesn't reach for a card to add to his hand. Neither does he reach for more food or for the dealer's cards, either. ]

By yourself? Or would ya take — [ His mind scrambles, tries filling the next blank in his sentence with us, then moves on to me, and that's when he hears his stomach sickly gurgling, so he blurts out, without thinking: ] Angel? Since he wants to go so bad.

Edited 2023-10-30 01:51 (UTC)

Angel?

[Aki looks at the devil with a surprised look. Obviously, it's something he's never once considered. Mostly because, well...] I couldn't take him somewhere like that. He works for Public Safety.

[Angel nods at this, then adds, "I hope I'm dead by then, anyway." As simply put as someone saying they'd prefer chocolate over vanilla. It's clear from his expression that Aki is both used to this and also hates it.]

...Either way, if I have time left after Gun is killed, I'll probably finish things here instead of moving back anywhere.

[What he doesn't say is If I survive or Should I manage to. The Gun Devil's death is a given to him, but his own future is more nebulous. Even with his right eye.]

So, you didn't like living in the countryside, then? Why not? [He doesn't really ask questions about where Denji was before Makima found him. Mostly because they come with depressing answers.]

[ Does working for Public Safety really matter that much…? Like, yeah, Angel isn't supposed to be here, but just look at him right now. He's holding a pair of cards for what might be the very first time… Moreover, Power is technically out roaming without supervision at this very moment, so the possibility of Angel affording more freedoms, despite his status as a devil, doesn't seem too outlandish a possibility to Denji. If their division continues to do good, beat up more bad guys for Makima, so on and so forth, it's only a matter of time until they impress the big-big wigs and reap the rewards they were promised.

…All this is to say that Aki's answer isn't the one he wants to hear. It isn't a clear-cut yes or no, but, he guesses, that's precisely the kind of response he's come to expect from Aki. It's an answer suiting the adult offering it. ]

Didn't say I disliked it, [ mumbles out Denji, staring at his spread cards, like he's pondering whether to collect another from the deck. Sure, he toiled. He went hungry. He was dealt a hand, and he paid the premium price in full with added interest. That's all. Still, it wasn't so bad. He met his end in the countryside, but he also met Pochita there. ]

It's just not as good as it is here. Like I said, it's quiet, so when someone's beatin' the living shit outta your door at night, it's even more annoying! And, uh, the mosquitoes kinda suck. [ Spoken like he doesn't share a bed with one nearly every night. ] But they go away in the winter, so… [ The rest of his words trickle off, halfheartedly. As if he doesn't really expect anyone to hold anything but a polite interest in his experiences. He keeps talking, though, as more things come to mind. ] Ah, that's another thing, the colder months suck! You can't live off the land anymore 'cause all the food outside dies, so you gotta actually buy stuff to eat.

[ Finally, Denji flips his cards over first, a twenty in his hand, then shows the faces of the dealer's, a sixteen. Suspiciously, he doesn't look very surprised by this count. ]

— Alright, who lost this time?

[Living off the land... Denji lived off the land? Was he growing his own food? Aki looks a little concerned by this (while also getting some of his questions about his diet answered accidentally - someone fine with eating scabs is probably used to eating what they can more than other people), but he's distracted before he can ask more about his gardening skills by him setting down the cards.]

[How the hell did he get a twenty?? Angel got a nineteen, and Aki only then realizes he wasn't really paying attention at all and got a twenty three. He drew because Angel drew - and Angel drew every time again. Aki groans and sets his beer down, looking at Denji targetedly.]

Are you cheating? Since when do you know how to play card games, anyway? You're too young to know how to gamble.

[Angel, accurately, mumbles something under his breath that Aki is trying to distract from his hand. Aki gives him a warning look that has no effect.]

I'm not cheating.

[ And yet the way his gaze averts tells a different story.

He learned lots of things from living on his own. While kids his age were taught life lessons within safe and contained environments like school, Denji couldn't be picky about where, or whom, he learned how to differentiate edible berries and plants from… Although, being the undiscerning idiot he is, he'd still sometimes accidentally poison himself, anyway.

But mainly, he learned tricks such as: ] Keeping a running count — it's not cheating, it's just, y'know. Math.

[ Math he's been doing inside his head ever since he split the deck apart and delegated the cards, subtracting and adding and deviating values together every time someone shows their hand, or does and doesn't retrieve a card. He's not a mathematics whiz or anything, no way in hell, but when you're around folks like those yakuza pricks growing up, it's hard not to pick up a thing or two. Plus, it's no different from balancing a checkbook! ]

What, you dunno how to count cards? It's not hard. You just gotta use your brain.

[He's counting cards...?! Since when does Denji know how to count cards?! He didn't even know you were supposed to wait three minutes until cup ramen was ready until he moved in here!!!]

You... That's definitely cheating. We're talking about stuff, how do you have the brain power to count cards at the same time?

[Not that Aki couldn't. But Denji is, well. You know. He's Denji. Since when can he multitask like that?]

I'm going to shuffle this time. [He reaches out to gather the cards from all the piles.] So you won't be able to cheat. Got it?

Ahhh, why're you pickin' on me?! Shows how much you know about me. I've got oodles and oodles of brain power!

[ … ]

That I use during emergencies only.

[ And to distract from the fact that playing cards isn't at all an emergency worth using his finite supply of intellect for, he tosses his cards up like confetti for Aki to have to pick up since he's so insistent on reshuffling. Have fun, jerkwad. ]

I won kinda fair and square! So someone has to tell a story!! My vote goes to Sore Loser-senpai, here.

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