digestate: AHHHHHH 🐧 (52 ▮ woof!)
Denji ([personal profile] digestate) wrote in [community profile] windfall2023-09-23 05:22 pm

what i desire most, what i fear most



we can just treat this as our misc csm cupboard 💕
lifesapping: (mogu mogu)

[personal profile] lifesapping 2024-01-29 05:39 am (UTC)(link)
[He's pretty cozy like this. The theater is a little chilly so with his wings wrapped around him he feels warm. They're pretty close to the screen, but so far they're just showing still images of advertisements so it's not so bad.]

[And for once... When Denji asks him to move the popcorn over, Angel only hesitates for a moment. And it's mostly due to not being sure how to do it. He looks at the little boat of a container holding the hot dog that's balanced precariously between his wing and the popcorn bucket and, deciding not to risk dropping it, instead picks it up and simply shoves the entire thing in his mouth, taking the hot dog down his throat in a single bite.]

[Someone behind them who was probably staring at the scene chokes. But Angel swallows, wiping a crumb off his finger, then manages to adjust the rest of the things to be able to remove the popcorn bucket safely as everything else settles in his lap.]

Here. [And he places it beside him, his wings sliding back to give him room to take it without touching them, either.]
lifesapping: (squeeeeeeeze)

[personal profile] lifesapping 2024-01-30 03:38 am (UTC)(link)
Ah... Yeah.

[Each part is a little better than the last. If Denji actually thought he was going to be sharing any of this, or had the intention or willpower to hold back and allow the sharing, then he surely doesn't know Angel and his relation to food at all. He doesn't begrudge Denji for taking anything and, in turn, expects him not to begrudge him for taking anything in turn. He can have the whole side of caramel popcorn if he likes while Angel contents himself with slowly ripping apart the pretzel and eating it like that, occasionally grabbing a piece of popcorn, a sip from the way-too-sweet drink, a piece of candy... There's no real rhyme or reason, sometimes it's just where his hand reaches out to next. When Denji starts bothering him about going to the bathroom over and over, he finally huffs an annoyed sound and the theater goes dark (though their area stays dimly lit thanks to the ever-present nightlight).]

Devils don't pee.

[They do, but that's not really the point right now. He isn't about to explain how his digestion works. Someone behind him (maybe the same guy who watched him deepthroat a hotdog) grunts a quick, "Huh?!" at that statement, but Angel isn't paying attention. The movie is apparently going to start.]

[He doesn't know what he was expecting this movie to be about; the failure to defend your fallen comrades in the face of great destruction brought about by humanity's own hubris and journey toward self-annihilation wasn't it. Angel doesn't know a lot about human politics but it's pretty easy to follow everything. But when the main character's love interest is presumed dead and the man grits himself for revenge against some beast a hundred times his own size and a million times as powerful, Angel can't stomach his growing discomfort. His growing unease in the face of a suicidal attack as everyone around him tells him how stupid he is. How he's not going to win. How it's not worth dying for something like this. They can find another way.]

[But this is a movie, not real life. The love interest is okay in the end. The hero parachutes to safety as the monster is destroyed. Its body descends into the water and everyone is happy. Cheering, celebration. The two lovers reunite in a hospital. There's the tease of something more, of a re-emergence, of a battle that's never truly over. A pithy advertisement for round two, another round of the same story, repeated over and over. As the credits roll, Angel doesn't move, the empty remains of their foodstuff spread around him on the floor, in his lap, on the chair. He stares forward at the names scrolling up the screen, dead silent.]
lifesapping: (3 for 1)

[personal profile] lifesapping 2024-02-04 04:28 am (UTC)(link)
[Denji didn't like it...? Huh. Angel barely paid him any mind during the entire movie, so it's not like he was trying to gauge his enjoyment of the film. But when Denji finally turns to look at him, he isn't sure what to say. Did he enjoy it? Not really. Maybe it was the story, maybe it was the strange monster. Maybe it was the mass amounts of death and casualty that felt as if it only stood to make the monster seem worse. But what did it want? What was its goal? Just destruction and mayhem? Like any other devil?]

[He doesn't move from his seat, hands in his lap and a small kernel of popcorn stuck in his hair. His gaze moved from the blank screen to Denji looking at him, he finally shrugs his shoulders once.]

I think it felt too hopeful.

[As if a monster like that could be defeated by one man's pseudo-suicide attack. No, it would definitely take more than that. But how much more? Can something like that ever be truly destroyed?]

A single person can't hope to ever create that much change.

[He sits up as he says that, stretching his arms over his head. Most of the people have left but he can feel the stares from the ushers, waiting for them to leave both for their own peace of mind and so they can clean the theater. But Angel doesn't move to stand.]

I guess that's why this sort of thing is fictional, though.
lifesapping: (.......)

[personal profile] lifesapping 2024-02-05 06:34 am (UTC)(link)
[It's uncomfortable when Denji, of all people, is able to nail why Angel didn't like the movie as much as he did. But it's not because he dislikes humans. He totally does - but their ability to be happy isn't governed by his opinion of them, either way. A movie that makes it that easy, for two people to avoid certain death and come together in the end... That sort of thing, he feels, just doesn't happen. But maybe that's why it happened on this screen, instead.]

[Apparently Denji expected it to just be the fight scenes, which Angel can forgive considering how excited he was. He's kind of like a dog in that way, just excited to see anything new. Surely that's the only reason he was interested in elephants mating. He's not really fond of seeing other movies after this, but maybe if they weren't so depressing he wouldn't mind. But if they were too happy he wouldn't like them, either...]

[But then Denji reaches towards him and, without understanding why he is, Angel instinctively turns his head as he tries to move away from the touch, trying to see the angle where his hand is going, trying to avoid it at the same time, and it's not going to his shoulder or his arm or anything but his hair. His hair? Right next to his - ]

[There's contact, only for a second, but it's there. The brush of Denji's thumb against the side of his cheek, a graze of skin over skin, and then Denji snags the popcorn that got stuck in his hair and pulls back. Angel doesn't move an inch even as Denji continues talking, blabbering on about some arcade and a cafe as Angel caculates what just happened. Touch, life. Halo. He starts to reach up to it, like by touching it he can better confirm what he already knows. No - What he's sure of. Hand half-raised toward it, but he's too afraid to confirm for real.]

[His eyes finally turn toward Denji and he looks deeply uncertain, almost - upset. Not like he'll cry, more like he's about to kick him again. His stomach is jumbling uncertainly, twisting and sloshing like cream. Or more like sour milk.]

Did you feel that?

[Maybe, just because he didn't, doesn't mean Denji didn't.]
lifesapping: (college recommendation letters)

[personal profile] lifesapping 2024-02-09 02:47 am (UTC)(link)
[...He seriously didn't feel anything.]

[It's not like his power stings. It doesn't burn or ache or... hurt, to put it bluntly. But he knows it can be felt. He knows it's like a cold sponge suddenly sucking the moisture from your skin, a chilly breeze sliding through your very bones. But Denji just hops ahead like nothing at all happened. It should have been about a week, based on space of contact and length of time he spent actually touching him. Maybe six days or so. But he's just walking toward the exit like it didn't happen. And Angel suddenly wonders if maybe it's gone.]

[His legs pick him up at some point and follow Denji out of the theater, out into the harsh sun but Angel doesn't seem affected, just dazed, confused. Staring off into some undefined space. What were they doing next? He doesn't remember. Something about a cafe? Man, he wants to eat something. Watching this half human move through throngs of people so assuredly - turning through the crowd, sliding through tight spots, dodging clusters of people chatting. Angel looks down at his hand, staring at the three lines running across his palm as he walks. Heart, head, life - Is that how it goes? Something like that, he read once. But where did he read that?]

["Are you an angel?"]

[He doesn't look up at first, accustomed to ignoring most human voices since people don't usually talk to him in public because Aki Hayakawa walks in front of him and seems to exude some kind of authority that makes it clear he's in charge of the situation. But when Angel raises his head he realizes Denji is a good fifteen feet in front of him and they're separated by one or two people and the girl who is walking alongside him with wide eyes is much, much closer than he is.]

["Are you?" she asks when he finally looks at her. Angel nods his head, since, well, technically, yes, he'd say he's both. The girl's eyes light up in delight, maybe excitement, and as Angel tries to catch up to Denji, brain thronged with too many confusing thoughts, the sudden accompaniment of a human girl asking even more about if he'll give her a blessing or if she can pray with him are a little overwhelming.]
lifesapping: (.......)

[personal profile] lifesapping 2024-02-10 06:25 am (UTC)(link)
[He gets told all the time that he walks slow, which doesn't bother him because why waste the effort for a brisk pace? Nothing he's ever going toward is anything he wants to meet, so going at his own pace is more than fine in his book. Except when this girl is following him and the gap between himself and Denji keeps growing and he can't see a way through the various humans in front of, around, and behind him to get closer. And she keeps talking.]

["My parents died in a devil attack," she tells him, almost sounding happy about this, but maybe she's just excited to talk to him. Some humans are like that. "The last thing my mother ever told me was to pray every day, and that heaven would send a guardian angel to look out for me. Can you tell me who they are, or how I can talk to them? Oh, are you a guardian angel? Or what kind of angel are you?"]

[He doesn't say anything to her, staring forward with heavy-knit brows as someone passes in front of his field of vision and, once they move, the blond head he was following is gone. His pace slows as he tries to figure out where he went but then someone knocks into him from the back and instead he tries to move to the edge of the sidewalk where a car blares past, too close for comfort. And she's still talking.]

["I heard angels come down from heaven to deliver messages. Maybe I'm not the person you're supposed to give a message to... Can I help you find the right person? ... Hey, maybe if I pray with you, I can find my guardian angel, right? Since I found you, after all. Will you, Mr. Angel?" And from the corner of his eye he sees her reaching down toward his hand, a motion as casual as a wave, a nod, a bow. But Denji was fine. When he touched him, he was fine. Nothing happened. Is it gone? Is she going to touch him and lose nothing? He turns to stare at her, his hand still, serious contemplation in his eyes. Like he might actually let her.]

[And then she's down on the ground wincing in pain as Denji stands beside him, apologizing for the attack to her breasts. Angel looks from him to her and then down at the hand on his wrist. Mostly on his sleeve, but when he turns his hand in his grip it reveals more of his wrist, more nude skin, his palm sliding against Denji's. Even as he tells the girl that Angel doesn't wash his hands and has a parasite infection, none of that actually computes in his brain. Cupping around his palm, fingers folding over the edge of his hand. He stares down at the clasp of their hands in something like awe. It's...]

Warm.

["Did that devil just kick her?" he hears someone whisper harshly, but he doesn't react to it. The girl has sat up and seems to be trying to stand, trying to say something about looking for her guardian angel. But someone else is quick to point out the obvious - "That's not an angel, that's a devil!" And Angel doesn't have the brain power to explain that he's technically both, still stuck staring down at their clasped hands like he just connected the circle of life.]
lifesapping: (poggers in the chat)

[personal profile] lifesapping 2024-02-12 05:15 am (UTC)(link)
[Angel snaps out of it enough to recognize they're in a pickle and when Denji starts running, he follows at the same pace - surprisingly, maybe, but he can be quick when he needs to. He briefly considers lifting him up and just flying out of here, but he seriously hates using his wings like that and that kind of sighting would probably cause even more trouble... So running it is, all the way until they finally make it away from the crowd and can pause for breath, Angel nearly copying Denji's pose as he leans over and wheezes, both hands on his knees. One feels so much warmer than the other. Like he left it in the bath for too long while the other is cold and dry. Even as his breath is still heavy and face pale, he lifts that warm hand and stares at it, then raises his eyes to look at Denji.]

["I didn't think a devil and a human could actually live as one," he'd told Aki Hayakawa once. Maybe it was a slight, an attempt to rile him up, annoy him. But Aki didn't take the bait, simply saying, "It's useful in some ways. He recovers just like you devils do. It's like nothing can really kill him."]

I touched you, and you didn't die.

[Given the amount of time they ran with the full contact of his touch, he would have taken over a hundred years at this point. But he feels no different, can't feel any new life in his halo. And Denji is still standing, acting like nothing at all happened.]

[It's still hard to believe, but it's getting easier. Or maybe he just sees Denji as a willing test subject. Angel steps forward, raising both hands and placing them on Denji's cheeks, palms flat on his skin. Nothing. He squeezes a little, really pushes in - and nothing, nothing happens, no siphoning, nothing. It's like touching a glass window and seeing the idea of warmth inside without actually feeling the heat of the fire within. He moves one hand up to push Denji's hair back enough to expose his forehead, doing the same with his own, and pushes them both together, like the skin on his face might be different from his hands. Nothing.]

...You aren't dead.

[Said with his forehead still pressed into Denji's. He doesn't sound disappointed or upset or angry about it, though. There's still that quiet awe in his tone as he speaks.]
lifesapping: (poggers in the chat)

[personal profile] lifesapping 2024-02-15 10:08 pm (UTC)(link)

[No, of course he's not pushing him away. Doesn't Denji understand this is unique? Unheard of before this moment? Even Makima wouldn't -- ]

[But then he's being shoved off and into the vending machine and Angel groans quietly, his wings flinching as they catch the majority of the force and save him from actual harm. He frowns and reaches up to rub his shoulder before looking at Denji with something like a glare, though it's pretty mild compared to how it's been before. No, he can't do anything that might scare him off. He needs to see how real this is.]

But you're still a little bit human... You must still have some amount of a life span, even with a devil inside of you. [Right? He doesn't know anything about what the contract is between him and that devil - maybe the devil is protecting that life span?] But I can't take any of it. No one else has ever been immune to that.

[Not that he knows, anyway. Not that he's been at liberty to test. He has no desire to, either.]

Usually, people say it's a cold feeling... You don't feel that? [And he's coming at him again, though this is becoming less about testing the limit of his ability to touch Denji and more the simple desire to continue that touch. Subconscious or not, that's why he's still moving forward to try and grab at his exposed forearm.] Let me try here.

lifesapping: (wish I was dying in 2 years)

[personal profile] lifesapping 2024-02-19 09:44 pm (UTC)(link)
[...No, it doesn't make sense. His power has no qualm with overwriting the claims of other devils. And if he gave his life to anyone else, like with the curse devil, then he would simply drop dead once surrendered. So what is it?]

[Angel flexes his fingers and seems to be considering touching Denji again despite his clear frustration with it... But he's reminded of how he felt last night, grabbed and yanked and patted all over. No, he'd rather not welcome the comparison.]

...It's strange. I've never touched a human without watching them die.

[So he's never been able to focus on the feeling of the touch. The texture of his skin, the warmth coming out of it, the feeling of callouses on his palm. Do all humans feel like that?]

[He holds his hand up, palm facing Denji, a sign that would mean Stop if not for what he says next.]

You try, here. I want to know what I feel like.
lifesapping: (please just let me take a nap)

[personal profile] lifesapping 2024-02-20 04:03 am (UTC)(link)
[The idea that he could feel what his skin is like through the act of touching himself... It's odd, to Angel. It would be like feeling the texture of cloth when covered by another layer of it. It's too distant, not easily understood. But Denji's skin is so easy to understand. So different from what he has felt. How thin his fingers are, how firm his palm is. He stares at their union while Denji explains what it feels like to touch him and, for some really weird reason, he kind of wonders what Denji might taste like, too.]

[He lets his hand drop after a moment, still staring openly at the inches of exposed skin below the roll of Denji's sleeve. Different. He says he feels the same as any person, but Denji isn't squishy, isn't like fondant covering a moist cake. It's hard to comprehend. Like being able to touch a cloud without it dissipating beneath your fingers. Melting into cold vapor. No, Denji can't understand that, he knows.]

[So why does it have to be Denji who has to be the one to feel him?]

[The other side of the coin of touching: being touched. Simple things he hid himself away from, if not out of distaste then out of practicality. Yes, he hates humans, of course he does, of course. But the idea has crossed his mind. Once or twice, sure. The idea of someone touching him and Angel not minding it, them not being hurt by it. Taking his hand, rubbing something off his cheek, touching - the act of being felt.]

[And here stands Denji, capable of all those things and more. Why? Divine intervention? This is a cruel blessing, if that's the case.]

I wonder why it's you, then. Who can touch me without being hurt.
lifesapping: (huh.)

[personal profile] lifesapping 2024-02-23 05:49 am (UTC)(link)
[It is what it is. Sometimes it feels depressing to have the same idea about life as Denji. Even though he lives a life seeing the glass as half full and Angel sees it half empty, their words sometimes align in odd ways.]

Moving...

[That's right, he was following Denji to something. What was it he wanted to do...? Something about an arcade? He has no idea what they'll do at an arcade, but he's pretty sure he mentioned something about a cafe, too. Maybe he can get him to buy him more food. Because yes, even after eating one of everything the concession stand had to offer, he can still eat more. And he hasn't even had to piss yet.]

...Yeah. I'm ready.

[And he is. This time he can stay close to Denji, not separated by other people as he doesn't need to avoid him as much. Doesn't need to keep his distance, and in fact, doesn't need to keep any distance. He keeps pace with him easily, and with it, wonders how close is too close, anyway. For someone who has spent most of his life staying a polite distance away to avoid possible contact, the sudden dropping of that guard is strange. He could just reach down and grab Denji's hand if he wanted to. And his own does brush against it every now and then, like he's testing it. Seeing if it really still doesn't kill him. How the tables have turned.]

[It's not that his halo is glowing brighter now. More like it's gone more white than yellow.]

Do you have some kind of card for an arcade, too? [Last time he had Aki's money cards, this time he had something on his phone to get all that food. Denji must be made of discount cards.]
lifesapping: (college recommendation letters)

[personal profile] lifesapping 2024-02-26 06:25 am (UTC)(link)
[He has so many cards. Angel watches him dig through his wallet for the missing arcade card and can't help but wonder if this is common for a human to have so many cards. Compared to Aki Hayakawa's wallet, it's thick and plentiful... Does that mean it's unusual to have a lot of cards? He's pretty sure he's only ever seen him use one or two, usually he pays for things with cash... Then again, he doesn't really consider Aki Hayakawa a shining beacon of normalcy in human society, so this really feels like comparing apples to oranges right now. And a normal human may as well be a carrot or something.]

Ehh... I don't like picking stuff.

[Naturally, he denies the chance. Angel lets his eyes trail through the arcade, not moving from his spot to get a better look at anything in specific...]

[...until his eyes land on the last thing Denji mentioned, staring at it as it plays its little idle movements. Every now and then, a black-colored monster pops out, a big "D" written on its front. It has evil-looking red eyes and a big, toothy smirk. He watches it pop up in different holes as the automatic tinny voice orders, Slay the devil!]

That thing?

[Does he come here for training or something...?]

Why do you like it so much? It looks like work to me.

[As in, their job. Why would Denji do his job on his days off?]
lifesapping: (huh.)

[personal profile] lifesapping 2024-02-27 05:34 am (UTC)(link)
[Yeah, he's heard of fun. That's what he assumed an arcade was full of. Instead it's noisy, cramped, and the floor is a little bit sticky in some spots. Angel follows Denji to the machine, watching the youngsters do their best at the fight, but he's following the devils more than the hammers. Pop, pop, pop... Slowly, his head begins to tilt, eyes trained on the left-most machine.]

It's in a pattern.

[He points at it as the boy on the right grins as he wins, the other boy demanding a second go. They don't even look at Denji or Angel as they both push a couple tokens into the machines and the fight begins anew. As it starts up, Angel again points to the left-most machine.]

Look... Every five devils, it goes to the top left corner, then moves down two, and over two. Then it goes to the center, and goes down one. Then, it...

[As Angel speaks, the machine does just as he predicts, following the pattern he voices from his brief watching. Every now and then it pops up in a semi-random spot, but Angel figures even that must have some kind of rationale to it. Maybe the pattern isn't so obvious anyone could figure it out after one or two observations, but Angel frowns like he's watching someone struggle over tying a basic knot.]

This looks way too easy, with that kind of logic to it.

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