windfall | what i desire most, what i fear most

[ …A lot of times, certain social cues tend to fall by the wayside of Denji's notice, but Angel has this economy to the way he speaks, this frankness that brooks no room for misunderstandings: critical as they are, these are his genuine, plain fact observations. In the same way he can tell that, Denji can't shake this distinct sense there's much being left unsaid that he probably wouldn't understand, no matter if it were broken down on paper or phonetically sounded out to him.

For example, what Angel means by a life like his. What happiness looks like, if it's not this, if it's not just fool's gold, sadness muted by distance. By a fragrant kitchen, food on the table, people to share it with. Smoke licking up the side of your building, that you can ignore, just because the window is closed.

His brushing doesn't falter as he asks, a little emptily, a little curiously: ] So what's it like, then, to live better? Is it dying? Like you always say you wanna.

[Dying... Does he really think Angel wants to die simply to live a better life? He's such a strange person. Like someone who can't do simple math, who stumbles over two plus two. But maybe he should expect that, based on the decisions he's watched Denji make.]

Humans... really have everything.

[His gaze stays pointed somewhere in the living room, away from where Aki continues cleaning up in the kitchen, the gentle clinking of dishes, the occasional hiss of tap water. The thud of the tap shutting the water off. Drip, drip. Silence.]

You're born, you fall in love, and then you get to die. Yet you don't appreciate those simple things.

[Angel has been pretty specific in referring to Denji as half-human, half-devil, so even he isn't sure if he's talking about Denji, himself, right now. If he's just complaining in general.]

That's why humans should suffer, I think. There should be a punishment for not enjoying that kind of freedom.

[ Huh. Interesting way to put his perspective and all, but Denji finds himself staring hard at the creamy feathers striping down, nonplussed. The brush making a short up-and-down sawing motion in the same spot of his wing, instead of bringing it to the arches as he has been up to now. The main reason: He's thinking. Does Angel really want to die and humans to suffer? Or does he just want the freedom to — to have everything? ]

Okaaay, no offense, but you sound mega jealous.

[ …Jealous or not, maybe Angel should have every right to that emotion. Devils don't experience birth the same way humans do, there's no memory of adolescence, no courting rituals for love. Certainly no one to mourn when they eventually lay dead and ruined from some vicious attack — and it will be vicious. It's not accident or disease that will take a devil, after all. ]

I dunno, me, personally? That just feels kinda backwards. Wouldn't people be able to appreciate those simple things more if there were less suffering?

[ He's technically taking a stance here, but Denji isn't really married to it. Mostly because, if there were less suffering, he would be out of the job, wouldn't he? That'd be a shame. ]

Whose fault is the suffering?

[There's no outward reaction to being called selfish, no huff or glower or flinch of his wings (well, aside from before that when Denji kind of misaligns a few feathers with the sawing motion of the brush). He probably is a version of jealous. But that's mostly due to not having much of a choice in the matter.]

Devils only exist because humans are afraid of things. If there was no fear and humans could only enjoy the lives they have, then none of us would have to exist. Everyone could live in peace.

[On both sides - but that's not going to happen any time soon.]

But humans can't enjoy the peace they could have, hence where things stand. It's like a divine sacrament, to suffer and be afraid.

[...He pauses. Considers who he's talking to.]

Then again, someone as happy-go-lucky as you wouldn't be so happy if you didn't have devils to kill to impress a woman like Makima...

[ Oh, good point. ]

Good point, I'd have to go hunt a polar bear or something to impress Miss Makima. But just last week, I learned from TV they're going extinct! So that'd seriously suck ass.

[ They may be apex predators with the strongest bite strength of all the bears, but he'd still like to pet and climb on the back of one. Instead of that other stuff. ]

And, I guess… if devils weren't around, I wouldn't have come to Tokyo — or binged a bunch of cool movies at the theater. [ He would have lived his life without ever finding the one singular film he'd remember for all eternity — or maybe, in another life, he would have found another film, but it wouldn't have been something he shared with Makima. That made them both cry, their faces animated in the light of the silver screen, colored by the depth of understanding of someone else's suffering, feeling less alone — he blinks, suddenly, like he's been under hypnosis and someone's finally said the right word to wake him up.

That's right, they'd cried back then, didn't they? That was the last time Denji ever cried. ]

…Maybe you're right, maybe human suffering is good! 'cause with human suffering, that way devils — [ Devils, like the one throbbing in his chest. Condensation to the clouds, rain to sea — it always goes back to the unravelable link between humans and devils. ] They can have a turn pickin' a card from the deck and have a chance at happiness, too. It's not all rainbows and butterflies and sunshine, but that's what makes getting a winning hand feel even better…

[ It doesn't occur to Denji, because he was born into this game with a bad hand to begin with (and in his eyes, joining together with one only increased his ability to find some semblance of happiness), that the odds aren't equitably spread among devils. Technically, the same thing can be said of humans, too. ]

Anyway, with all this talk — you believe in nature, then? Not nurture, like Aki?

[ A call-back to his earlier question. ]

[He really is the sort who can find happiness even in the worst situations. It's a little sickening, in a way. But it also explains Makima's dealings with him. A simple guy is easy to order around.]

[Angel pulls his wings in, shrinking them back down to their usual size as the feathers fold in while he stretches his arms up. Nature or nurture, huh. For someone like him, only one answer makes sense.]

Of course it's nature. Because I'm a devil, first and foremost, and an angel second.

[Aki is patting his hands dry on his pants as he heads over, having given them time to hog the front of the doorway while they chatted and brushed like this is some kind of sleepover, but he's getting tired. Angel gets to his feet and stretches his whole body, joints in his back cracking as he does. Aki asks, "Are you two done? It's time to go to bed." And Angel nods. Looks behind himself, down at some of the feathers that dropped onto Denji from before.]

Thanks. [But he's not picking those up, instead walking back into the bedroom to figure out how they're sleeping. Aki tells Denji to go and get his bed, but he doesn't seem as annoyed as he was before with both of them in there. More like he's come to accept it.]

[ The nature of devils, their intrinsic hate for humans that has existed long before wood could take the shape of anything that wasn't a tree, before thought could be inked to parchment — he knows that's what Angel claims to believe in, and he thinks he sorta believes in it, too, like when he'll see a good looking guy and hate him on the spot, that kinda thing. It's just, does nature have to be so singular? ]

Uh, yeah. No prob.

[ Denji's still holding the brush when he looks up to see Aki return and Angel leave behind his molt of feathers, right there at the entryway. He doesn't want to pick these up, either…

But also it seems like Denji doesn't have to, since Aki's kicking him out to drag his futon over to his room. Or at least that's his understanding. He's not just gonna slam the door right behind him once he leaves, right? Eyeing Aki furtively, he slowly inches around the pile, brush dropping on top of it, as if looking out, in case he pulls something fast on him, then rushes over to the next room over. Seconds is all it takes before he's rushing back out again, his stampede raucous as he comes running into Aki's bedroom, the futon picking up lint behind him from the way he's lugging it. ]

— Safe!

[ Denji shouts, sliding back in, like someone making it back to home plate. He drops his mattress down right at the side of Aki's bed, meaning that at any time he gets out of bed in the night to go to the bathroom or get a glass of water, he'll have to walk over him. And Denji will know, like some kind of guard dog intent on tracking their master's movements. ]

[Aki watches Denji slowly scoot around him, unsure what the motion means or what his plan is here, but it seems like neither of them are planning on picking up the feathers and he knows they're going to clog the vacuum. He squats down to begin picking them up, scooping them up in handfuls, but then comes Denji rushing right through the door with his bed and whizzing past him, sending them all up into the air in a flutter. Aki leans back to dodge out of the way, then groans when he looks into the room. Angel is sitting on the end of his bed, staring down at Denji, who has commandeered the most floor space. This room is barely big enough for one person, let alone three.]

The neighbors are seriously going to kill you, one of these days... [The feathers successfully gathered, he tosses them into the bin in the corner of his room, passing Angel a look next. Where, exactly, does he plan to sleep?]

[But Angel seems to understand the question, answering simply, "I'll find a spot. This bed is too soft, anyway." Which... fine, he trusts him to at least not kill him (or himself) in the middle of the night, so Aki passes him and sits by his pillow, carefully stepping over Denji's bed in the process.]

Do you still snore...? [He only heard it once, after they had that huge feast and all slept in the living room. But he was drunk that time and could ignore it. Power was way worse, anyway. It's going to be so annoying if he needs to get up in the middle of the night... At least Angel has a nightlight, which casts a dim glow in the room when he reaches over and shuts out the lamp.] Whatever, just try and keep it down tonight.

Hey, that's def — defimition! [ Defamation. ] I only snore when I've had lots to eat. [ The way that he doesn't consider the sheer amount of sweets and junk food he's packed away in his stomach tonight "lots"… ] If it's so loud, just stuff your ears with cotton!

[ Ignoring all else, Denji begins fluffing up his pillow, his blanket, and the bedding of his futon with the giddy fastidiousness of someone excited to be getting exactly what they want. Which, right now, is —

…Uh, he's not sure. Probably, he's happy to be spending so much time in Aki's room for the first time, but it's been kinda nice to do things with just guys. He shares a room with Power every night, but that's different, that's more like rooming with a sibling that keeps hogging all your stuff and threatening to kill you. Not like a real slumber party.

Anyway, even though he's practically buzzing with energy right now, once his face smacks down against his pillow, he'll probably be out like a light. He is who he is. It's as he's getting comfy under his covers that he pauses. Looks at Angel.

Suddenly: ] Do you wanna sleep with me? [ That sounded weird. Rephrase that. ] Do you wanna sleep on the other end of my bed. [ That didn't even sound like a question, but whatever. ] I might kick you, but there's space, I guess.

[Aki gives Denji an odd look at his suggestion and it only fades a little when he rephrases it. Angel's expression doesn't change as he stares down at him, eyes moving over the base of the futon, like a cat debating getting up.]

I'd be pretty upset if you kicked me. [He might get a groan or something. Wouldn't that he awful? But Angel climbs to the edge of the bed and slides down onto the end of the mattress, brushing his hand over the top of it up test how firm it is. It seems to pass his muster, and Aki tosses a blanket down from the bed to him and he pulls it over himself, his wings stretched out toward Denji in a sort of shield, but it looks more like a pile of pillows than anything.]

[Aki stares down at them both for a moment, a sort of frown on his face, but he doesn't say anything about it. Just lays down on his back with a sigh. Says a single Night and stares up at the ceiling. Sleeping with other people in his room feels so strange.]

[ He peeks his head over the top of the bed frame, curiously watching Aki's form, then moving his attention to the other end of the bed, the imprint of his foot under the blanket nudging up against Angel's wings. Outside the room, he hears the front door open, the chirr of Meowy greeting Power. She'll probably raid the rest of the fridge before claiming the empty bed next door, he thinks, and he listens as exactly that transpires. Once the noise of her fiddling around fades, he drops back.

The first to crawl into bed, but the last to settle in.

He said before that the countryside was quiet, so quiet you could hear the peep of a pest skitter, but it's weird. This apartment feels quieter, even though this is the most people he's seen inside of it.

Denji doesn't kick, but he does snore, roll over, and rearrange himself until his feet are tangled in his pillows, a plumage of feathers tickling the tip of his nose, the hairs of his brows. It's a wonder he hasn't been shoved aside yet. But maybe it's only a matter of time. ]

[It's a quiet night, until Denji starts to snore. Aki sleeps through most of it and he'd probably sleep through all of it if something else didn't wake him up first. He blinks up at the ceiling blearily and doesn't quite know what he's looking at for a moment, if he's still asleep or not. But when he comes to enough to recognize what's happening, Denji lets out a nosehair-curling snore and Aki shifts, leaning over and nudging him. He's hitting his leg, he realizes. He must have rolled and turned a full 180 degrees...]

Denji. [He's whispering, because you're supposed to, and also because his throat feels like cotton. Maybe he did drink too much. Again he shakes his leg from where he leans off the bed.] Denji. Look.

[Because right now, above them, Angel is putting on a light show. Not consciously, judging by how he lays still with his head over his arms, but his halo is glowing and pulsing in a way that reflects off the ceiling in a nearly blue wave. And wave, indeed. The way the light shifts, the ceiling almost looks like the ocean with an island in the center, where the hole of his halo is. The light ebbs and flows against the center and out from the ring, mimicking a constant roll of waves.]

Aah? Whussit?

[ His words formulate in a scratchy sound, like sieving sand through a tray. Same as Aki, there's a strange texture in Denji's mouth as well, but it's more like… fluff? His jaw slides back and forth, rolling the thing up against the roof of his mouth until he's able to pull it out, the brown of his eyes finally bleeding open to squint at it. Feather. Why's the white look a different color, though?

That's when Denji finally notices the spread of light overlaying the entire room, undulating. He arches his neck, staring up. ]

Woah… Reminds me of one of those projector-things from the movies. [ If all they showed were a spectrum of waveforms and patterns. That'd be pretty sick, actually. Denji could be entertained by that stuff for hours. ] You think it's like a mood ring? Or, like, what it looks like inside his head when he's dreaming?

[ Then again, maybe it isn't exclusive to just his dreams, considering what happened earlier. Regardless, he begins crawling closer to the halo. He's not going to touch it, because Aki will likely raise hell about it. If not outright lunge at him, he thinks, wryly. But maybe he can get away with something else — for science!

Leaning his face into the ringlet's glow, he blows a steady fwoo of air at it, then immediately flicks his eyes upward, hoping to see if it'll make the wave ripple. Like a breeze nudging a flame. ]

[Aki disagrees that it's like a mood ring since Angel is pretty clearly conked out, though he sits up slightly as if to confirm he's actually still asleep. It's thanks to that movement that Denji gets away with blowing on him without Aki stopping him, as he's too far away to yank him back and hiss some kind of warning about how Denji needs to stop touching him all willy-nilly - but when he blows against the ring of light Angel lets out a low groan, rolling onto his back with his eyes squinted, the blue glow slowly fading back into its usual neutral color. He blinks his eyes open and stares up at Denji. Tired, exhausted, and hair wild as if he just went through a wind tunnel.]

What're you doing... Did you open a window? [He grabs the edge of the blanket that's gotten tangled in his legs and pulls it over himself, squeezing his eyes shut.] I was dreaming good, you ruined it.

["He blew on you," Aki tells him, though clear from his tone he really didn't expect a blow on the part of his body he's always assumed isn't really... capable of feeling would make him wake up.]

Yeah, I blew on you, [ he echoes Aki, utterly remorseless about waking him. Squatting beside Angel, his face pops upside down, right above him. Bright-eyed with curiosity. Really, how lucky Angel is that Denji doesn't give back into the impulse to send another puff of air at his halo, see if that somehow sends a breeze through his hair or something. ]

What were ya dreamin' about? Your weird hat was short-circuiting. It looked — pretty. Like the sky or really, really clean water. [ The kind that he's only seen in nature programs, some environmentalist going on about how in so many years, this type of view will be all gone. ] Or a disco ball! [ Or a night light. He could go on and on about like items, but probably nothing could possibly be comparable to the shapes they just then. ] It woke us up and everything.

[ Normally losing shut-eye would make him bitchy, but he doesn't appear to mind right now. ]

Can you turn it on again for us? I wanna see it.

[Hat? What hat? Angel stares up at him blearily, the sight of him so close and right over him decidedly unwelcome. He pulls the blanket up further, all the way up to his nose. Like he can hide from his annoyance.]

I can't control it like that. It does what it wants to do. [From where he sits on the bed, Aki's brows knit tight at that. Because what the hell does that mean.] I was having a nice dream. No one was bothering me. It was nice. And then you woke me up.

[He doesn't expand on the idea that he can't control his own halo, so Aki finally speaks up, asking, "What do you mean, you can't control it?" Angel lowers his eyes to look at him, visibly annoyed.]

Can you control when you fart or poop? [He rolls over onto his side, away from them both. No matter which way he turns, though, his halo stays put over top of his head, parallel to the floor.] Don't be silly. I'm not battery-operated... Just think of it like snoring.

[ Angel's annoyance fully soars above his interest and his awareness. Denji is openly preoccupied with eyeing the halo oddly, what with there being no apparent movement as the slenderer devil shifts around. Not that he has any right to be weirded out, being the person he is. ]

Happy snoring?

[ Bit of a rhetorical question. It's only happened twice, but that's the only thing he can think of to be the only common denominating requisite for his halo to illuminate: that Angel be relaxed enough. Maybe it's his form of tail-wagging or belly-flopping. ]

So this thing. [ He keeps changing his position, twisting his neck to peer at the inner lining of the halo, like the difference in angle might explain something. ] It's like made outta your skin? And you can feel stuff happening to it?

[He's still going... He rolled over and made it obvious he planned to go back to sleep and Denji is still going. Angel sighs loudly.]

It's not my skin. And of course I can feel things that happen to it. It's part of me.

[He glances over his shoulder and shoots Aki a look, almost like he's asking for help but it comes off more annoyed that he isn't doing anything about it. For his part, however, Aki seems privately interested in the questions Denji is asking, since they're things he never knew. Or thought about, but still.]

...Can't you feel if something happened to your chainsaws? But they're not made of your skin. It's like that.

[ Poor Angel, prisoner to Denji's every unfiltered thought. But if no one else is bugging him to leave their guest alone, he's too happy to continue. ]

…Yeah.

[ Astonishment reeks from his breath. It shouldn't surprise him so much, given that it's his body, a thing he should be deeply familiar with, but the amount he understands about what he's capable of is vastly outmeasured by what he doesn't. It's not something Kishibe can teach him or Makima can always coax out of him — and even the thing with Beam was largely Denji putting money on his own luck. ]

Huh. Yeah, you're right, even though my head's all covered up in metal, I can still clobber myself out of a mental attack! It's weird and hurts a lot.

[ Brain damage will do that to a guy. Brain damage will also make a guy ask: ] So if it's part of you, that means that gettin' all touchy-feely with it's a big no-no, still?

[Clobber himself... Is that what Denji calls what he does to himself? He's heard about it from Aki a few times, usually because Aki is clearly concerned with his chosen method of clearing an attack like that, but Angel doesn't really get it. He just grows back with blood anyway, right? What does it matter? But maybe it does have lasting effects if he's asking to get touchy-feely with his halo.]

...You can touch it. [He almost sounds a little hesitant to admit this, but it's true. Only his skin is a danger to humans.] It's like my wings.

[Aki finally speaks up, sounding a little agitated. "You two should go back to sleep." But Angel has pushed himself up, staring at Denji warily. Like he's expecting the worst, because he kind of is.]

[ Angel doesn't listen, but Denji's attention flickers, briefly, his back straightening for a moment before easing back into a more relaxed posture. Sure, he hears the annoyance in Aki’s tone, the self-same one he uses whenever he's telling him not to touch a hot stove, to keep his fingers out of something still simmering. Or more recently, "Don't go around opening people's things without asking." Sheesh. What right does this guy have to be annoyed when he's the annoying one? Always hiding stuff from him, always swatting his hands away as he did earlier when he'd reached for his hair. Just what is it about Denji's touch that Aki dislikes so much?

Whatever. His finger taps a few times against the halo, half-expecting it to wobble from its perch above Angel's head or his hand to pass through, like, maybe the thing is simply intangible light; neither of those things happen. His brows raise. It's sturdy, almost as if it were a thick cut of glass; it doesn't budge, doesn't bend. If he pushed hard enough, he doesn't think it'd even go off-center from being braced against a pressuring object. Angel really wasn't kidding about it being like his wings. He's heard those things are as reliable a fortress as a steel vault.

The tapping eventually converts into a smooth trace around the halo's outline, a part of him hoping it'll emit a ringing sound, the kind he always hears sing off from the mouth of an open glass whenever he does that same motion — but the movement doesn't last long. Apparently, because Denji is giving consideration to another idea.

Suddenly. Very suddenly: ] Has anyone ever told you this thing looks kinda like an onion ring?

[ A very casual ask to the not-so-casual ding of his teeth scratching into the glowing ring, Denji gnawing on it like it's some plastic chew toy. ]

[It feels good. Weirdly good. Extremely good, similar to when he brushed right over his scapulars and right by his skin. Close without contact, a solid beam of light that's connected to every part of him. Both himself and his partner. He can feel every poke, every prod, every stroke. Is his face growing red, or is it just the way the light is getting a little dimmer? Making his toes curl as a tingle runs up his spine.]

[Then Denji's teeth are around it and Angel yowls like an alley cat, his knee coming up abruptly to kick Denji while his other foot skids against the blankets on the floor to send him away from him. He reaches up to grab his halo as if he needs to check for a piece missing, a chunk taken out - if it's still there and didn't ditch him for Denji's mouth.]

[Aki's the one who actually speaks, however, moving at the same time as Angel's howl and grabbing Denji by the back of his shirt, snapping his name and dragging him away. "Don't bite him!" And a shake to make sure he gets it before looking across at Angel - where he's seated with both hands clasped around his halo, mouth drawn tight and teeth grit, his face as bright as if Denji just touched his most private area. "Are you - okay?"]

You're - awful. [...He's kind of staring at both of them, though, so Aki looks vaguely offended for a moment.]

[ Angel kicks like he slaps, but something about this impact snaps into his stomach stronger than when he was on his knees choking on street meat. The suddenness of it is the main difference, and what ultimately does the trick of successfully deposing Denji's molars from his halo, sending him sprawling onto his back — Aki's presence surely helps, too. The scruff of his shirt collar is yanked hard to his throat when he's grabbed, like his handler is trying to pull back a reactive dog instead of his teenage roommate. ]

E-Easy, easy, easy, easy!

[ Denji shouts, as he's finally able to loosen out of Aki's grip, his voice desperately crescendoing in pitch. Caked on top of Angel's accusing look is Denji's own dirty one, directed only at Aki while he wrenches away, his hand rubbing tenderly at his throat. Damn, that's gonna bruise. Ugh, and now he can hardly squeeze out a defense for himself that isn't just a strangled hacking fit. ]

Look — [ He has to clear his throat twice in a row, just to speak as if he's been gurgling grains. ] I was curious 'cause your halo looked kinda tasty! But I didn't bite down that hard! [ Another cough. ] You're not bleedin', see? Look at him, Aki, no blood in sight!

[Aki has never been on the receiving end of a look so vicious from the least vicious devil in all of Public Safety but being on the edge of it as he gives it to Denji is enough to rattle him a little. With the way he's holding onto the ring of light, Angel's face looks a little darker than usual, especially in the dark bedroom.]

It doesn't have blood - it can't bleed. [This is like saying a ripped shirt not bleeding is no cause for alarm. Totally different mechanisms for harm. Aki groans quietly at Denji's attempts to cajole them into calming down, frustration obvious. He knew this was a mistake, to let Angel stay over, to let Denji sleep in his room...]

[Angel gets to his feet, finally letting go of his halo as he glowers across at the bedroom door.] I'm not sleeping near him. He's going to try and eat me while I sleep.

He's not going to eat you.

[Aki reaches to grab Denji by the arm and hoists him up, pushing him to sit down on the bed.]

Here - He can sleep up here, instead. That way I'll feel if he gets up and tries to mess with you. Alright?

[Angel glances back over, still frowning, but looks to see if Denji will accept this condition. If he'll sleep in the same bed as another guy.]

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